A
male
age
30-35,
*lysses
writes:I don't know how to be/live positively when I can't find/see any positive or redeeming features in myself. The only way I can encourage myself to do something is by bringing myself down and disparaging myself. for example I went to the gym and kept telling myself that I am worthless, invisible and nobody cares about me or my existence so just do what you want. My thoughts weren't about working towards fitness and health it was all about what a lousy person I am for staring this late and how it's all pointless in the end. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to like myself but living morose and pessimistic doesn't feel healthy or correct. The facts about me are that I am an academic failure, 24yr old man child with no ambition or life plan, less than average intelligence, been told I am very ugly for most of my life, never kissed a girl, had a girlfriend or had sex, nonathletic, short, black African and have severe social anxiety.How am I supposed to be positive despite of everything that I am?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Hello, Ulysses!
There aren't any magic-words people can say that will instantly make you overcome the symptoms of your anxiety disorder/depression; and make you suddenly like yourself.
Our mission here, is to talk to people; comfort and encourage you. To allow you to vent your problems and frustrations; and hopefully we can offer you the benefit of some down-to-earth advice. Our advice will be based on our own knowledge and experiences. Otherwise; you would have to follow-through with your prescribed medical-therapy and continue working with your mental-health professional.
We are all a product of nature. Our genetics determine everything about us. Unfortunately, the mind doesn't always see things as they really are. Especially; when there is an illness or disorder that gets in the way. An illness that may obscure our perceptions and effect our moods.
You have to understand that your illness or disorder; has more to do with how you feel and see things, than how things really are. You possibly have a true clinical disorder requiring the treatment by a trained and licensed mental-health professional. That's not your fault. You wouldn't know you had a severe "social anxiety;" unless you were professionally diagnosed. That isn't a term you learned off the top of your head. It was diagnosed by a professional. You're even cognizant of the symptoms and able to articulate your feelings. Only, you'd get better results under professional-care; not on the internet.
I hope you take your medicines; if you are required to take antidepressants and other meds. If you don't take them as prescribed, skip dosages, or avoid counseling with your therapist(s), your disorder gets out of control. It will distort your emotions and lower our self-esteem. Everyone on the planet was born for a reason. We all have imperfections, and we all sometimes lose or have no ambitions. Some people discover themselves and their calling right-away; but for others its a journey filled with trials, obstacles, and tribulations.
Your mission first and foremost is to deal with your anxiety disorder, and to get it manageable. Do you realize that you actually attempted to go to a gym? Do you also realize what it took just to get yourself there? Well, your "social anxiety" won; because you didn't fight hard enough. It may always be a challenge, for you my friend. It is for all of us. For some people accomplishment comes easy. Then there are those of us who have to work at it. I mean really hard. If you don't have the will; then you seek to find someone who can help you figure-out why? Not just search the internet. Unless it is for professional-help and treatment!
You are not worthless, you are not ugly, and being a black African is the beauty of your natural-being. Your heritage is rich, exotic, and unique. You can't live your life comparing yourself to others; and convincing yourself you're any worse than everyone else.
Ponder on the question, why do you feel so worthless? You really never allow yourself to try anything; because you discourage yourself with reasons that aren't really true. It's the illness in your mind that tells you that. The only worthless people on the planet are pedophiles, rapists, murderers, career criminals, and bad politicians! Some fall into a grey-area; but they are salvageable.
You never kissed a girl, or did anything; because you have never really "tried" to do anything you really wanted to do.
Disparaging yourself is an excuse to refrain from doing anything to avoid failure. Not a way to motivate yourself. You've got that totally turned around backwards!
If you think you're invisible, how can you be ugly? You need the benefits of a real psychotherapist or mental-health counselor who works with people like you; to help you to function in society.
Must I assume you are poor, and do not have the healthcare benefits needed? Someone apparently supports you, if you are a man-child unable to fend for himself. I doubt you are living homeless; if you have access to a computer.
You can sit down and write out a wish-list. Everyone has a fantasy of what they would and could do; if there was a way. Set a goal to achieve something small, just for practice. I think the gym was a very good idea. It will build physical strength and stamina. You set a goal, and make it happen. You want stronger arms, tighter abdominal muscles; then try and see how long you can do it, before you give-up. It's only a practice, not a chore. There is no failure; because no one is grading or judging you. You're just too tough on yourself, no one gets the chance to or say anything; before you knock yourself out. You're trying it alone, when you need help.
One small step at time. You fight to show that little voice you will try harder no matter what it says. Talk to a counselor and tell them everything you told us. If you don't have a healthcare plan; then look for a free mental-healthcare clinic near you on the internet. You found us, find something closer; and look for a professional-counselor you can communicate with online, on the phone, or in-person. They will direct you to resources and help you find ways to overcome your probable mental-illness or possible anxiety-disorder; and give you hope. You're only a failure; if you fail to try, my young friend. You may never rule the world, but learning to rule your mind and thoughts about yourself should be your goal and mission in life.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 Because it's all in your head. A good therapist/psychologist would help you manage your thought pattern and correct it. On your own, it is harder. But it is a thought pattern that you must change. It's not your intelligence, it's not your physical attributes, it's not your ambition, it's your thought pattern. All the things you wrote about yourself could just as easily be flipped from something negative, to something positive. It's all about how you choose to see things in life.
I can not help you correct your thought pattern unfortunately. This is something that takes time, and work, and something you must work on every single day until you are better. Something a therapist would be able to help you with, over time. If you can find room for it in your budget, I believe it is worth it.
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