A
female
age
30-35,
*ora_Bird
writes:Okay, I know this is a love/sex/relationship ect. advice website, but I'm hoping some one could help me out with this one: I work at a daycare part-time and I really enjoy my job. The age range is 2-11. I am close with all the kids and they really seem to like and respect me. So my problem is that one of the older kids who is about 11 and more developed for his age has developed a crush on me. He always wants hugs or finds ways to be in physical contact with me. Its normal for the younger kids to want to be cuddled, sit on my lap or want a hug, but its just weird for him to want this especially because he looks older than he is. He has the mentality of a kid his age though. I dont know how to handle this without making him feel bad or embarrassing him (i used to have a crush on my grade 6 teacher, so i know this is normal for kids to develop crushes on teachers or care givers, ect.) This is inappropriate behavior, but it is made more bothersome because he is more developed than the other kids. HELP! how do i handle this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): Eleven is plenty old enough for a student to understand that they are more grown up than their peers, and so when they hug you it makes you feel as though you are being hugged by a grown up, which makes you uncomfortable. In short, lessen hurting them by flattering them on their early development.If you lack the skill or courage then you may prefer to involve another staff member. That tends to remove the emotion whilst still pointing out the behaviour. eg "I notice you have been hugging Ms X a lot recently. Do you think it might make her feel uncomfortable now that you have grown up so much?"If the child is developmentally delayed in their non-physical aspects then I'd involve the parents. You'll probably find it is a problem in all their social interactions at the moment. They'll have a current strategy for handling that and you should come on board. For more typical kids there's no need and you just end up managing three people rather than one.I work in education and I've had to have the "uncomfortable" chat with a handful of even nine year old girls over the years. These beginning puberty years can be tricky for kids and expecting some of them to wander occasionally into inappropriate behaviour is expected, and should be handled with care and tact. I don't just mean physically, but with girls the whole handling of hormone-charged emotion seems to take a decade.From a professional point of view I'd be thinking about what inspired the behaviour. Early development, lack of role models, and inexperience? Clinging due to a crisis at home? Copycat (eg, witnessing older brother and girlfriend)? Abuse (although there are usually multiple indicators)? My thoughts on that would colour my discussion somewhat (eg, I cut kids from divorcing parents a lot of slack). I'd begin my discussion with the student probing this point -- there's nothing that brings you so low as to have added yet another burden to a child already with too much on their shoulders for their years.You've got to remember that you too have emotions. It is perfectly fine for you to draw a line and say "these behaviours from this stage of development makes me uncomfortable". But you also need to manage your emotions when that happens so that you don't imply adult motives which are unlikely to be present and allow yourself to get angry. Rather be professional -- look to the causes, dislike the behaviour, like the child, don't fix a problem but grow the child beyond the problem.As you may have gathered, with the next age group up from yours we deal with these issues as a matter of course. So please don't turn this into a huge drama. Kids at puberty are very sensitive about their bodies and related behaviour. Going at it like a bull at a gate will work, but at a high price.Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Singling him out is absolutely inappropriate as you pointed out. I would let the supervisor know because if the kid cops a feel and then brags about you will be the one in hot water. That just seems to be the way things fold out in the childcare world. Also, maybe you could suggest making a daycare wide announcement that there is appropriate touching and inappropraite touching. All the kid could be briefed about what is ok and whats not. Bring his parents on board too. Not trying to be dramatic or anything, but again its you on the line here. parents are being very vigilant about child care workers in light of the scandals with teachers, etc. They may want to privaetly talk with him without making him feel like he is bad. Good luck and I hope I helped a bit!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 I think you should not give him any encouragements and treat him in a more professional way .You could also consult your other caregivers and ask them how they handle such cases.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Treat him like you treat the other 11 year olds. You dont have to say anything to him about anything at all, just don't treat him in any special way. If he wants a hug or sit on your lap, tell him he is too old to sit on your lap, and that you simply will not hug him. Just say no. Say that the cuddles are only for the smallest children and not for the grown ones. He is probably just trying to get a hug to feel your boobs press against him. Dont let him call the orders around, you are a grown up and he is just a child. If you do not want to hug him, inform him of so and give him orders. Tell him to not ask from hugs for you, that you find it inappropriate for someone his age to want to cuddle you so much and that you dont care for it. Do you have any co-workers? If so then talk to them about it and maybe get some advice.
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