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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 40 and think I'm a pretty decent kinda guy, but, I have hardly any friends! I feel a real saddo even though I know I'm not - but, I only ever seem to be able to make relationships with women and when they end, I'm always left completely desolate and alone again. For some reason I only ever seem to have made transient friendships which seem to fizzle out no matter how much I try to keep in touch. And because I'm unemployed with domestic and financial problems I don't get out much. I just don't know how to expand my social circle! I'm about to start a new job, but, it's a pretty solitary role, so, unlikely to help. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pammie73 +, writes (24 September 2006):
Hello,Firstly, congrats on your new job. Sometimes, having something else to focus on can help stop our minds analysing all the time - I myself can often be lonely due to the nature of my work, and I find that whenever I am not working, it is much harder to deal with, as I have all the time in the World to dwell on problems etc.I guess you do just have to make that effort to meet new people and build a social circle - not easy, I know...but you do need to get out there.One way I find that's good to meet new people is via joining a local gym or attending an excercise class. Or, what about an evening class around a hobby/interest of yours? Local sports centres tend to be quite affordable, as opposed to the bigger health clubs/gyms.As already mentioned, the internet is great for meeting people too.And I agree, you should focus on building friendships....anything else that may materialise will just be a bonus.Best of luck!XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006): By reading your posting, you are halfway there to solving your problem, hun. You have honestly assessed yourself by asking 'why' you are in this rut? That was the first hump. You realize, only you have the power to get proactive and change...and you clearly know, no one else can do this for you. If you feel lonely and isolated, you need to learn how to surround yourself with quality people and friends, that support, challenge and encourage you. So how do you get out of this rut? Start expanding your thinking towards others, rather than just thinking about yourself and this problem. You are too focused imward. Look hard at the people around you already--you co-workers, your neighbors, your family, the clerk at the post office, the people you know at the grocery store, the librarian, your landlord, etc, etc, etc....the list is endless. They all play an important role in your life. They are part of your world and they are not only just secondary people, hun. They all add familairity and belonging to you.. but you are overlooking these people becaue you have taken them for granted. Take inventory of the people who are already in your life, dear! It's right there under your nose. Are some of these people-possibilites of friends you could connect with more deeply? Now let's really look at another reason why you are having this problem. Is it because you feel it's too risky to reach out to others? If you do, you are not alone. Hey there are no guaruntees in life, you could reach out to others and be disappointed and rejected. We all go through that, too. But there are those of us who say "so what' and we keep trying...we are willing to keep trying to take the risks. After all, you could really connect with a great person. So what have you got to lose? Get out there and build connection through friendship...don't be superficial and take a sincere interest in other people's lives. And just remember, there are tons of people out there who are open, willing and very interested in making new relationship. You just got to get out there and network! Just one word of caution...use you head wisely when picking new friends. Take it one day at a time, dear and just be careful...the key word is "quality'. Fnding quality friends is crucial. Good luck, dear and just be positive, open and happy.
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (23 September 2006):
 First step is to stop thinking about what you havent't got and get what you want, Obviously you have access to internet from posting this so have you tried making friends online I know a few people that struggle to make friends easy have found that finding friends online is alot easily due to them not being face to face with you, but becareful not everyone online is who they say they are.
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A
female
reader, Tiagre +, writes (23 September 2006):
First of all, stop making excuses to yourself. If you don't get out much, because you don't have time, make some time! I'm sure somewhere in the next ten years you have a free evening, KEEP it free, and then call up someone (even if you don't know them very well, come on, I'm sure you know someone!) and invite them out. I know it's scary, but it'll boost your confidence.
When you're out with a friend (male or female!) keep things light. You dom't want to drag them down with your own problems, so discuss something recent - a film or book that you LIKED. Not one you hated. Drop words like 'fun' and 'interesting' into the conversation and they'll subconciously associate them with you. (By the way, it works the other way round, if you say 'boring' or are negative all the time, people will associate you with feeling bad. So avoid at all costs!)
Be yourself, and don't be afraid to disagree with someone. If they say they liked something you didn't, say your opinion, just don't offend them. Don't do this all the time though, sometimes it's just not polite.
Take care!
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