A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 27, engaged, and scared to death. Here is my story... I dated my fiancé for about 1 year or 2 years in his eyes. He is a pilot in the Navy and gone all the time. He was married for 5 years before he met me. I have always felt he is not over his ex wife. I asked him to remove her pictures, videos, emails, and digital pictures from his home if he was really serious about me and starting a future. I told him I felt this was a reasonable request considering they did not have any children together. Months went by and he did not get rid of anything. I confronted him about the issue and told him I felt he disregarded my feelings. He still did not remove the memorabilia from his prior marriage even after our talk. I finally threatened to leave or in fact told him I was leaving. He then began to cry and got rid of the pictures etc… but the damage was done. By this time I had moved on. I transferred to a new job closer to home within my company. I was quickly introduced and set up with a co worker. I immediately fell for him and we dated for over 1 year. He had never been married and we had so much in common. Don’t get me wrong, there were problems, but I feel they mostly stemmed from his insecurities towards me. He probably had every right to feel insecure as my now fiancé refused to let me go. My only release from his constant struggle to win me back was when he went on cruise for 8 months. I kept telling myself my new boyfriend, who I felt passion and love for was not good enough; he was not financially stable, a different race then I, hard headed, and had medical problems which stemmed from injuries during his time spent in the Army. While the pilot was stable and we “just looked good together”. Don’t get me wrong, my fiancé would do anything for me and is a kind and gentle man, but I felt pressured into this engagement. Once home from cruise, he came crying to me, had his mother, sister, dad, and friend call and write. He even wrote and mailed me a 2 page letter confessing his love. I felt cornered and trapped. All the while leaving my ex boyfriend; the man I cried for, alone and in limbo. I know life would not be as easy if I was married to my ex, but I know I love him deeply. Life with my now fiancé will not be a struggle financially or emotionally as he compromises on every level, but is this enough? Having mutual respect and goals? So the question is…? Do I settle, get married, and dismiss my fears? Can I pass them off as pre marriage jitters… or do I end it…? I have been in several long term relationships. I feel I know what it would take to make a marriage work. Do I go with the stable guy I love or the one I feel passion, love, and “in love” feelings for? Is it okay to love someone, but not be “in love”?
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co-worker, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, my ex, navy, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (1 August 2007):
Hi! Sweetheart: I know how you feel, was in the same boat at about the same age as you. And Yes! scared to death too. You have lots of questions that need lots of answers. But then only you can answer your own questions with your heart and mind. I'm soon to be eighty years young,and have been around for quite a spell,but that only means that I still have a lot to learn. So lets see what I would do if I were you. I don't have the total picture of what's going on in your relationships. Please feel free to talk to me,as it wouldnt be fair to put either of your Bf's in a bad light by what I think. Sound advice no one can give you without the whole relational picture, past and present, of what's going on in your life. You can contact me through DearCupid.org. God Bless you and keep you and your's.
A
female
reader, Variety  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Don't marry him. If you were bullied into the engagement how will you ever be happy? Then think about the other guy. It may be that neither are right for you but you were scared of having no one. Maybe you would be better on your own.
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