A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there!So, I've given this issue a lot of thought and just seem to go round in circles and I think I need some new perspective.I am an intelligent, independent girl, I've been to university, I've traveled by myself, there's just one area where I feel like my mind just gets it all wrong. You've probably guessed this area is guys. So I was in my first and only relationship for 5 years. I've moved around a lot so haven't really had a chance to meet anyone else long term which is absolutely fine by me, I'm happy enough by myself.My problem is when I meet someone I like, which doesn't happen very often, I seem to fall way too hard and way too fast, and almost become obsessed with the other person. It happened a couple of times at university, most notably a very close friend I hooked up with, completely fell for and wasted 2 years of my life moping about. That was a few years ago now and I find myself in the same situation with another guy.I met this guy, a friend of a friend, at a gig. We hung out and had a great time, had a few drinks and he kissed me. Afterwards he told me he'd just broken up with his long term girlfriend a couple of months ago and wasn't really looking for anything. I saw him a couple of weeks later for another night out and we ended up hooking up again, although again I didn't have sex with him. I messaged him a month or so later when I was in the area to see if he'd like to grab a drink and catch up and he made it very clear that although he'd like to catch up he was still not over his ex and wanted to make sure he wasn't leading me on. As it happened, circumstances have meant we haven't met up yet, but he did mention going to another gig with some friends in a couple of weeks.My problem is that even though this guy has been very clear about his situation I can't stop thinking about him. The way I see it, we had fun hanging out, we can keep doing that as friends, and if in the future something happens then great. But I know the amount of feeling I'm investing in a guy I've only met a couple of times is crazy and I don't know why I am so strong and independent, and laidback in other areas in my life but meeting a guy I like sends me crazy. I know it's not normal and I'd like some help dealing with these feelings a bit more rationally.Sorry this is so long, guess I just had to get all the crazy out haha.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 It's a common thing. There's even a song about it. Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson. I think you would make an adjustment. Your heart feels love doesn't come easy, that's why you have to cling onto it when it comes by. Your mind has to train yourself to think because love doesn't come easy, that's exactly why you have to take it slow and not rush things. You were very young when you first dated and it was easy for you. Most teens who date do it because they feel like it. They didn't have to think about adult things, compatibility, readiness, where to live, etc. When I was 16 I didn't even know that terms like "friendzoned" existed. Both guys were just friends you hooked up with. I know you didn't intend to have anything more. You need friends in life but you just happened to catch feelings. And you let it drag on even though they told you they were not looking for anything.
I wouldn't say what your attachment style is not normal, in the sense that you need a psychologist to analyze you. Some people bond very quickly. I would say it is natural for a woman to be open towards relationships because it's more of a priority for us. Your desire to care and nurture surpassed the knowledge that there are people who would waste your time. You just have to pick your friends carefully and find other guys to date once one of them says they don't want to lead you on. I would suggest not to drink with a guy until he says a real relationship is what he's looking for. So you don't fall in love before you can say no to him.
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