A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a divorced man who is well educated. I love him and had sex with him. Recently he has been saying about his past relationships and it appears that he had sex with two other women when he was married just because he had a serious fight with his ex wife. He thinks he didnot do anything wrong or didnot cheat his ex-wife as those were pysical desires only, not love. We are still not completely committed to each other, he told me that once he is committed then he will not have sex with any other woman. But in the mean time he cannot gurantee that he wont be attracted to other woman. I am unable to decide whats wrong with me...I know he is a womaniser , but I get attracted to him. He is a caring person, but the facts he says about himself is not an acceptable reason in my principle..but at the same time he is bold enough to say these to me. I am unable to decide what I should do?
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, womaniser Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (27 October 2009):
 Avoid him like the swine flu.
Why would you want to be with someone who can't be trusted?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): From the little bit of detail that this man gives of his life and relationships, I think he is a classic narcissist. They don't view love and sex as ever going together. In fact if they are having sex with you that means they are simply getting their ego needs met, narcissistic supply. When his wife fought with him, he probably sexually frustrated her by withholding sex and love and went out and got sex elsewhere.
He isn't committed to you entirely, so he is going to have sex with other women? Ever heard of a narcissistic harem? Look into his phone list, I bet he has one of those where he can call any one of those gals, you included who accept him on his terms and provide the sex and admiration and ego boost he needs.
Life is hell with a self centered man like this. Yeah, when he is committed he will stop having sex with other women, IF AND UNTIL, you do something that cuts off his narcissistic supply, i.e., you actually start needing something from him in return.
Run as fast as you can. His wife is lucky and probably glad he is gone. I bet she feels like her stress level has dropped off dramatically. Sure he may be educated, charming and fun, but at what cost to you?
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A
female
reader, H-Caring +, writes (26 October 2009):
You can't leave him now or you won't? You obviously have a very considerate nature and this man is clearly aware of this and is using it to his full advantage. I am not saying he is a bad man but he obviously has made some poor choices and very bad judgement calls. Nobody can tell you to stay or go because ultimately you will make that decision for yourself but its just a case of taking the time out and removing yourself from the situation. If this was a friend or relative what would you be telling them to do? Never stay because you feel guilty or that you have to because that is not a good basis for a relationship anyway and this man will realise all he has to do is turn on the sob story and you will always be there. You can still be there for him emotionally if you feel its something you have to do but it doesn't mean you have to be involved with him romantically. I hope this has helped some and good luck.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (26 October 2009):
So he's using you for emotional support...okay? So in other words, he always needs a woman to make him feel better about himself. You can't make him change (I know you're not trying to), he can only change on his own because he wants to. I don't know about this guy...a lot of baggage. But, I'll have to go with what everyone else is saying and don't get too attached to this guy.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 October 2009):
 I don't think I can give you any more advice than Double M's: "Proceed at your own peril".
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for all your advice. But am still in a dilemma. Yesterday I confronted him and told him about this commitment issue and he told me that he will not consider anyone as long as we have this relationship going. His defense is that his wife was not good to him and thats why he went to other women, and he feels that I can change him. I am not sure what I should do..one part of me feels that he is not the right person for me as I will always suffer from suspicion that he is seeing somebody else, the other part feels maybe he will change. And most difficult part is, right now he is going through a very bad phase of life and he keeps on telling me that he needs my emotional support...and even if I decide to break this relationship, I cannot right now just because he is going through a very bad phase and I dont want to make it worse for him. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for all your advice. But am still in a dilemma. Yesterday I confronted him and told him about this commitment issue and he told me that he will not consider anyone as long as we have this relationship going. His defense is that his wife was not good to him and thats why he went to other women, and he feels that I can change him. I am not sure what I should do..one part of me feels that he is not the right person for me as I will always suffer from suspicion that he is seeing somebody else, the other part feels maybe he will change. And most difficult part is, right now he is going through a very bad phase of life and he keeps on telling me that he needs my emotional support...and even if I decide to break this relationship, I cannot right now just because he is going through a very bad phase and I dont want to make it worse for him. What should I do?
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 October 2009):
I think that you'll just end up hurt in the end. No relationship is perfect, so of course people end up getting into disagreements; therefore, if you two get into an argument he thinks that it's a justifiable reason to sleep with some other woman. Regardless if it's not emotional to him, it's still cheating. He uses it as an ego boost when he's feeling bad about the relationship, so he obviously has issues. Also, why would he feel the need to mention that he cannot guarantee that he will not be attracted to another woman? That's stupid, I mean duh! There's attractive people all over the place so of course he's going to be attracted to other people, including you and every other human being on the planet. So to me, that would be him saying that he may not have self control if he finds another woman attractive.
I think as far as a decision goes, you should decide to seek someone else out. If you're questioning whether or not he's a good guy or is going to actually treat you good, then it's probably not going to be a good relationship. He may even be a good guy, but he's not good boyfriend material. So look for someone that is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): It's perfectly normal to have feelings for someone you have a sexual relationship with. So don't feel as if something is wrong with you! All I can say is you do know his past which is better than not knowing! If you want to continue to see this guy, don't expect for him to change for you!I think that he told you all of his history to let you know up front he has a wondering eye! If you are willing to not be the only woman in his life, then go for it. But if you truly love him and want to be monogamous let him go, because deep down you know you will never whole heartedly trust him! Always keep in mind you are worth something and there are men out there who will love you back and be totally faithful to you! Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): I think this man is going to hurt you emotionally. Do not waste your precious time on him as he is a cheater! Take this time in your life and find a man that will adore you and only you!
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 October 2009):
I agree with Double M: proceed at your own peril. Because the peril has been already spelled out before you.
He's telling you that he will have sex with other women, and that you won't be able to complain unless he tells you that he has committed to you. Which he won't do, since he already has a bigger commitment at home, one he has not honored.
Proceed at your own peril, indeed.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): id steer well clear.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): It's your life.
There are millions of men walking around every day who do not cheat on their partners.
If you choose a cheater then you have nobody to blame but yourself when it happens to you too.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (25 October 2009):
 Proceed at your own peril.
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female
reader, H-Caring +, writes (25 October 2009):
It sounds as though this man is scared of commitment. He has chosen to be honest with you about his past which is a good thing and shows he trusts you and wants to let you in but the fact that everything he has said so far about himself is negative may suggest he is putting up some bariers and not ready to let you in fully. Sometimes believing you can change someone or that they may change themselves can lead to a lot of disappointment and heartache, especially if he has already admitted the chances of him sleeping with other women already are pretty high, this is not a good start for a potential relationship. If you are looking for a stable relationship with someone you can trust fully then you may need to consider looking elsewhere as you are already unsure and questioning your own judgement. If you do decide to try and make a go of things then I wish you the best of luck but if not otherwise I hope you eventually do find what you are looking for.
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