A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been here historically and your answers have really helped me so I am hoping you can help me with something else as I honestly don't know how to talk to anyone about this or if I should.Before I get into it I need to point out that I am in a happy healthy five year relationship, this person I am about to speak about has never met him but he knows, there is no love interest here.Three years ago I met a boy at a convention through mutual friends and we became very good friends. We have a lot in common and we shared a similar sense of humour and we had the confidence to confide in each other over personal things, he would talk to me about the girl he liked (it changed every so often) and I would complain about my issues at work. We live in different towns but in the same county so when we do see each other, alone or with otherfriends we always make a day of it and have a great time. He is generous and friendly and respectful and canterous and considerate, everything you would want in a friend.I always knew that he was a very shy anxious individual, but about a year after knowing him his mentality changed and he became insanely paranoid, he would message me and if I hadn't replied in an hour he would go insane and spam me with apologies about how much of a shit friend he was and how annoying he felt and he just constantly needed assurance for months and months. He kept convincing himself that I hated him until I eventually snapped and told him I wanted to keep him as a friend, but I couldn't be there to constantly reassure him of himself and that I didn't like being told how I felt all the time. I caved and confided in a mutual friend how fed up of it I was and she had experienced it too, she explained he was on very strong medication for his anxiety and his dosage had just been doubled which had sent him out of control, she'd experienced it before. I easily forgave this because I understood it wasn't his fault and for a good while things went back to normal again.Here and there I can tell if something has changed because we'll be hanging out and he'll say self demeaning things like 'sorry you have to hang out with me today' , 'thank you for pretending that you like me / putting up with my shit' , or 'sorry if i'm annoying you'. I find that he's much better to hang out with on a one on one basis and he is calmer, it always seems to be worse in a group.I've been around people with mental health issues a lot growing up so I tend to put these to the side because I enjoy spending time with him too (it's not that often sometimes a few times a year) but today something horrible happened that I don't know how to deal with and now I've explained the background to our friendship I feel like I can explain properly.I received a text from him while I was at work, a really long one, saying that I would despise him and think he was weird and disgusting but he felt like he was lying to me and betraying me and it made him feel physically sick. He told me I was an amazing friend and that he was a sad lonely weirdo who gets too attached to people and in his brain he sometimes mixes up friendship with attraction and in the past he's done 'what guys do when they find someone attractive' and kept apologising. Basically I didn't understand but what he meant was he had masturbated to me (either the thought of me or to my pictures, I have no idea as I do not want to ask). He said he couldn't say it without being crude and disgusting so he didn't put it in those exact words.I have replied and explained that (initially) I don't understand, but I appreciate his honesty and I am happily in a long term relationship and I wasn't attracted to him in any way but that I did really like him as a friend but perhaps he should think about if he wants us to stay friends or not. He admitted that he's never thought of us in any other way than friends but he just thinks I am attractive and he feels horrible for doing it. He just kept apologising and said he'd understand if I never wanted to speak to him again.I honestly have never been in this situation before so I just told him that sometimes honesty isn't the best virtue, that jacking off is normal but telling me it's about me isn't, that it made me uncomfortable but I wasn't offended. I would have just preferred it if he didn't tell me because he could put his relationships in jeopardy if he does it to other people. He explained that with his anxiety and ocd he feels like he has to tell people so he can apologise and he's spoken to his therapist about it because sometimes he really has to fight his brain. He does however understand the boundaries and I've made sure I don't give him false hope, but I still feel uncomfortable. I don't want to ask my friends for advice because I don't want to embarrass him.I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend because if I continue to hang out with him it would make my boyfriend sad if he knew. Part of me wants to write him off as a friend because I feel violated but the other half of me sees that as a waste of a friendship (and I don't have many friends). I still haven't told anyone yet. I have no issue telling my boyfriend but I want to be certain about how I deal with the situation first. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): If he is masturbating to the thought of you then he is no longer in just friends territory. He has feelings of attraction to you and? So if it were me I would now feel differently about this friendship. If you meet up then I would imagine it will be very difficult to put this to the back of your mind. He may also be finding out how you feel about him. I don't know him obviously, but I also feel uncomfortable about this. He's not just a friend anymore. If you keep this friendship going then your boyfriend should know how the man his girlfriend is hanging out with feels about her, but very much think that he won't be happy about him. If you leave this friendship, with good reason in my opinion, then I would probably spare him the details, but you will probably be asked why. Then tell him the truth would be my advice.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 June 2017):
 I would not keep this guy in my life. Way to much drama and let's face it, you're not really getting anything out of the friendship other than a headache. How exactly is he a friend? Can you share your innermost thoughts and secrets with him? Can you confide in him? Is he there for you when you need him? It's more of a relationship where you're like his mentor and having to tolerate his idiosyncrasies and even that would have been ok... But now he's venturing into gross territory. You never know what he could tell you next or even do... And he's a great one at apologizing so once he's done what he has to, he'll fall at your feet and beg for an apology.
Look I'm sorry about his mental health issues and all that but I have a "Spidey sense" from reading about this guy. He's someone who would give me the creeps if I were you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): It is symptomatic of his anxiety disorder with a combination of OCD to sometimes have issues with maintaining the normal filters we would have in normal situations. He feels so comfortable with you that he has trouble staying within boundaries; and fortunately, you are aware of this.
I would inform him that if he continues to overshare graphic details about his sexual-habits or fantasies, he is forcing you to discontinue your friendship. That's totally inappropriate. Your respect for your boyfriend's trust; and the conditions of your commitment to him, means there are strict boundaries when dealing with other male-friends.
Inform him that if he considers himself a friend; then show you the respect you deserve. Spare you the self-deprecation act; you simply want to be treated with respect. The whipped-puppy routine is getting old! Treat him like you treat any other guy who's out of line!
Please don't mince words. He's not a child. Nor are you responsible for monitoring his behavior when he's around others. Everyone he knows should be accustomed to his behavior, if they really know him.
Having only a few friends does not mean you must endure embarrassment, sexual-advances, and disrespect. It's not the quantity, it's the quality of friends. You have to set some limits.
If his condition requires better management; perhaps you might suggest maybe he should see another therapist. He may also be cleverly testing your boundaries; using shock-value to throw you off-guard. In any case, the behavior is unacceptable; and you should make that abundantly clear.
My suspicion is that he's not taking his meds according to prescription. He may be mixing them with alcohol (or recreational/non-prescribed drugs); and/or he is missing dosages and trying to go free-style without them.
That will throw his brain-chemistry completely off; thus no filter and over-sharing. Erratic behavior and moodiness sound more like he's off his meds; than being prescribed a stronger prescription. Only he and his therapist know for sure.
You're pretty close as buddies, and he seems to like offering you TMI. So ask him if he's taking his medications as often as prescribed, or if he takes breaks between dosages? Also ask him if he is regularly seeing his therapist, or only when he feels he can't do without medication?
Don't cross-exam him like the Spanish inquisition; ask him in a general roundabout "just between us" fashion. Then you'll figure all this out.
You may have to distance him as a friend, or cut ties altogether. He's losing control, and you're starting to have more awkward-moments; than sharing good-times with him as a friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 June 2017):
 I think it depends. (whether you should tell your BF and/or dump this friend).
I DO think if he suffers from obsessive thoughts he might not be at all able to control what/how he says things. And if one of his "issues" is that he feels a need to tell someone something so he can apologize then THIS IS who he is.
As for him jerking off to your picture. Well, I really wouldn't take it personally but I get why you are a little creeped out. One thing is for him to DO it but HAVING to tell you? Yeah, not OK in my book mental condition or not. It's just not something anyone wants to hear from a friend. Some people do it to random strangers, others to friends/co-workers, you name it.
YOU have to decide where your boundaries are. If you feel he crossed them, maybe slowly let him go as a friend. If this is an ONE OFF WTF moment, then cut him som slack. (if you wish).
Would I tell my BF? That depends do you talk about this friend with your BF on occasion? If so, maybe ask HIS advice.
Also, I have to ASK what DO you get out of the friendship? Is it an "equal" friendship or are you his "Florence Nightingale" mental health pat on the back - kind of person. The one who spends most of the time, when talking to him, reassuring him that it's OK, he is FINE, you don't hate him.... If so, THAT must be draining.
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