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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend dumped me two days ago over and anguement we had in which i threw a chocolate bar at the wall. She's had problems with her dad hitting her in the past and in the morning she told me that i reminder her of him cos apparrently he used to throw things. she wanted time to think but we were at a festival together so were together a lot of the time and since i was so scared about loosing her i kept on at her to talk about it, which she didn;t want to do, in the end she got wound up and just ended it, i spoke to her two days later and she say she is still in love with me, but doesn't trust me not to hurt her. Even though we both still love each other she is really stubben in general and wont change her mind even tho she made it in anger and is unprepared to work for love since that had just got her hurt in the past. i deeply love this girl and have no idea what to do, she wont talk about it and rufuses to even think about "what ifs" and such and will now barely talk to me, though we have talked every night since we met a few months back. what should i do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 Just try to give her some time, maybe send her some flowers with a note.Try to make he see that she knows you better than to be abusive.Just try to make your you keep at the same tone or she may feel threatened.Make it clear that you repenct her decision to leave, but offer your support even as a friend.Then you can maybe work from there once she regains her trust in you.Best of luck
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 June 2006):
 Hello. Having a relationship with someone who has been abused takes extra effort from you. You will have to make allowances for her behaviour, and you will have to be willing to make a lot of extra efforts to create a strong relationship.
Her projection onto you (of her father), her stubborness and defensiveness, and her not talking about it are all typical of someone who has been abused. All of these things you will have to accept, and then very gradually overcome. There isn't an instant-cure or anything you can do that will make these just go away unfortunately.
The best you can do is create a loving caring place for her to be (with you), where she can learn to feel safe and herself. Abuse tends to create very deep insecurities, if you can help her overcome them by being something utterly secure for her, you can really help her and build a strong relationship. Some things you can try;
- Remind her very often that you love her, and especially that you accept her for who she is. Abuse often involves criticism, so what she needs from you is the opposite of criticism: praise and unconditional acceptance.
- When she is having a tough time and starts to direct anger or resentment towards you, rather than rising to it and fighting back, just let her vent. Be a safe person to whom she can express anything and know that whatever she does she's not going to get attacked (verbally), criticised or retaliated against because of what she says or does.
- Gently share your life, feelings and secrets with her. Don't put pressure on her to reveal herself, but tell her that you would like it if she can tell you about her past, in her own time and in her own way. If you initiate by talking about yourself first, then she may cautiously follow. Be very careful to not judge or be critical of what she says when she is sharing this personal / private information. If you react badly, then the chances of her sharing again are lessened
- If you think she is really struggling with this, you might want to suggest councelling / therapy for her. The several people I know who have suffered from abuse have all benefitted a great from therapy.
- There are a lot of good web resources dealing with abuse, including good advice on how to be the partner of someone who has been abused. Have a look around and see what you can find. You can also message me if you need some links. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didn't feel i threathened her she was laying in bed against the opposite wall. i would never hurt neone and have never so much as been in a fight with another male.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (15 June 2006):
 I think you are going to have to somehow regain her trust. If her dad was that abuseful it will have mentally scared her, and anything like that in the slightest is going to worry her and set her back there. You may have to give her a bit of time, she has already seen that you can flip out and she may not be prepared to take the risk that it was a one off. She needs time to decide whether she cant trust what you say. If shes made up her mind then ther isnt a lot you can do about it. If she has a fear already in her mind that she takes you back and you do this again shes not likely to back down. Shes been hurt in the past and doesnt want to put herself in that situation. I know you say you wont do it again, but how does she know this ? You will have to let her think about it, give her space, try to stay in contact, but shes always going to be wary of you whatever happens. Sorry its ended this way, but if shes scared of this happening then its doubtful she will be back just in case. Leave her be for a while and then get in contact when its not so fresh in her mind and she may come round, but you may have to respect that she doesnt want to put herself in a hurtful situation.
take care x
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A
female
reader, sibaan +, writes (15 June 2006):
 you need to understand that wants someone has been abused once it haunts them everyday....
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