A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is probably going to be a bit long but i feel that it will do me good to write my feelings down and maybe get some advice from other people!Me and my ex girlfriend had been going out for over 3years. We were both young when we met (i was 18, she was 16) and it was our first relationship. The first 3 years were brilliant, we were both so happy with each other and i felt that we stayed together for all the right reasons even though we both couldn't compare our relationship with a previous one. It was a very loving caring relationship and we both agree that we gave each other the best times of our lives and were lucky to find someone else so special. After 3years we were still very happy together and still made the effort towards each other, we went travelling for a month round europe in summer 2006 and got on so well, we both felt the relationship had got even stronger.I am in my third year of university, the first 2years of uni we were split up in different cities but we still made time to visit each other and we got through it. Things have all changed now unfortunately. She started her first year of uni in september, we are both living in the same city now but im in my third year. we both thought it would be a really good year living nearer each other after being split up for 2years.Problems started after the first few weeks of uni as she never had time for me and i felt neglected and hurt. we split up in october but we both couldnt help staying in contact and saw each other a few times. when we did see each other it was really nice, just like old times hugging and kissing etc, she even stayed at mine a couple of times. looking back on this it seems silly because we were just going round in circles, she was still confused about what she wanted. she wanted to make the most of being at uni but didnt want to lose me and still loved me.we carried on like this untill january 1st when we both decided that we should have no contact for a few weeks so we could see how we felt after that. we both stuck to what we said and didnt have any contact for a month, we met up 2days ago to discuss things.she said that she felt that she has made the right decision and that she wants to just be by herself at the moment. i have asked her many times why she wants to be single, is it because shes met someone else/wants to be with other guys etc but she says its not that. i believe her and trust her when she says this but i just cant understand why she wants to end the relationship when it was still so good and we were still making each other happy. ive always said that i want her to make the most of uni but i cant understand why she cant have a busy social life and still be with me. i feel like shes replaced me with lots of friends and it hurts so much. i really dont want to lose her forever, we have both said that we dont want it to be the end but have also said its not fair to keep in contact with each other or to promise that we will get back together.so thats how thing are at the moment, i miss her so much and miss every aspect of out relationship, looking back on it it was all very good, its not like i look back and think of lots of bad things as there were very few bad times. i find it hard to move on as i have still got hope we will get back together in the future and i know that if we were we could have loads more happy times together.i dont really know what im asking, but does anyone have any advice, has anyone else been through this?i feel so down.sorry its so long, thanks for reading!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): Mate same thing going on college third year, both of our 1st relationship met in first year, she broke up with me for no reason and it took a few months to even get a reason out of her, I asked her all the same questions and it seems exactly the same that shes made new friends and its just that excitement of new ppl and doing different things. 10 Months along now and we are still just going in circles but alot less its only since christmas that i have been happier when i decided i didn't need this and that it was making me so unhappy. I was actually looking on here for some advice myself because am finding myself slipping back into feeling the way i did before xmas but what the others have said already makes sense.
It will get better try and do things that will make you happy, I found going out and just meeting ppl has helped so much. She does care but just wants to have fun and be free and you should do the same, sitting at home and thinking about it only makes it worse. I know how your feeling and it does take a long time to get over it or even feel slightly happier.
Good luck stay strong
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): Thanks to everyone who read and replied to my question, found the comments useful and helpful. I feel really down and sad at the moment but i can understand the reasons why things have turned out how they have and im sure in time i'll feel better. I just have to live my life and see what happens in the future, hopefully it will be for the best. Thanks guys
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 Hi. Well firstly sorry to hear to you're feeling so bad at the moment. Don't worry it will pass with time. She's just started at uni and made new friends and is discovering new things in life. She may still love you but the passion has gone out of the relationship and you can't make it come back by being needy. Just face up to it; her interest level in you is low at the moment and you need to give her space for her to sort out what she wants. You're both still young and this is your first relationship so don't despair even if the two of you don't get back together you'll still meet someone else in the future. You sound like a well balanced and together person so I'm sure you'll have no problem. In the meanwhile try not think about her too much. Go out with friends and family, do some sport, have fun. Don’t live in hope, you need closure. You'll feel better soon. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): has anybody ever been through this?
OF COURSE, i have. she wants to have a life of her own without you being in it & you would just have to accept it.
i know, it is hard, but you must let her go no matter how much it hurts.
because it was both of your 1st relationship... perhaps she wants to explore & be in other relationships, too.
you need to stop thinking about her. you wouldn't be able to move on if you do. keep yourself busy. go out. meet new people. surround yourself with friends.
enjoy life without her being in yours.
time will heal. i promise.
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 yes... i've been through that.... and it was much worse because it eventually lead to deep depression and suicidal attempts.... so please dont let that happen to you!
me and my first b/f met in homeroom freshman year of highschool, and dated all 4 years, and though i dont want to get into the horrible details of the end (though we still loved and cared about eachother through all of it...). We had a relationship that was beyond wonderfull... and i'm sure you felt just as me and him did, like we were in this happy little bubble floating above everything else, and everything in out bubble was so bright and colorfull. We were extremly close and even emotionaly conected, however, this turned out to be a bad thing in the end.... for if one of us was sad the other would be sad, etc. we tried on and off over that summer and even the first few months of university, but as you noticed when you did that, it was just confuseing going in circles thing, and was filled with saddness and doubt, even though when we were together it was like nothing had ever happend. we eventually decided, together, that it'd be better if we weren't dateing, but we did remain friends. it was hard for a long time because it would feel like old times again, but we stayed true to our desicion and supported eachother (with general life stuff) with encouregment when needed and happyness when they suceeded (like passed a hard test, etc) and so forth. It was probably harder on him though, because a lot of guys seemed to want to date me even though i wasn't ready yet, and the girl he liked wouldnt date him, and so forth. it's been allmost 4 years since all of this and the end of university draws near (we both went diffrent places far away, though we had planned this before we even knew we were going to have problems and so forth, so that might have made it easier for us where you on the other hand are in the same general area as her, which must make it a lot harder), and we are still friends. I have been dateing a wonderfull guy for about 2 years now, and he finnialy has anouther g/f who he cares about very much and they haave been dateing for allmost a year now. It is still hard at times, because even when we hang out now i still have the urge to kiss him or cuddle, and sometimes still have dreams of him in my sleep, but in reality it is more that wonderfull relationship i miss the most, which was like a true blending of our souls. We now now, looking back on things, that we weren't perfect for eachother, but we both agree that it was a wonderfull thing we will never regret.
as for you..... i am so sorry. it probably seems like most of your life has been ripped away from you. but... there is a chance you two could get back together, but it does take "two to tango." If its ment to be, it will happen. Right now it seems she needs space to find out who she is and what she wants in life and so forth, which is why she wants to be single even though theres noone around she wants to date. Being single after a long relationship can be a very liberateing feeling, so please try to understand.... it dousnt mean she dousnt miss you or all the greatness of the relationship... she just wants to live a life she hasn't been able to yet. You said, when you were both still together even, that her haveing a lot of new friends upset you, which is natural because noone wants to feel replaced or ignored, but friends are very important, and its hard to adjust to college and a social life and all the work/hw and everything all together.... you should be happy she has friends. you should deff. be makeing more friends too, esspically now to help keep yourself busy and try to have some fun. use this time to rediscover who you are as your own individual person, try some new hoobies, join some clubs at school, and so forth. It also might be best to refrain from calling or e-mailing her all the time.... and it will take a long time for you to move on if thats what needs to be done. You dont have to date anytime soon, but belive me when i say u WILL meet amazing girls and have other relationships eventually, and that they might even be better. re-exame your relationship with this girl and learn from it.... what was good? what was bad? what do you really want in a g/f, and perhaps wife? i was AMAZED to find out i could find people who loved me for all the things i loved about myself, things that my 1st b/f didn't mind, but didn't care about (like rennisiance faires, etc), and that its actually possable to find someone who was everything i had ever hoped/dreamed for, and even more! that was certinitly a tottal shock... lol
but... i wish you the best of luck hun.... you're going to be sad a long time, but you wont be this sad forever
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): Hello, I am sorry for what you are going thru and would not wish the pain that you feel on anyone. I am currently going thru something similar. My bf of 3.5 yrs just broke up with me and told me that he needed space, didn't want to be with me, has been talking to another chick for the past few weeks, etc. Things have been pretty bad in our relationship for a while now...but he never complained about anything. It was really hard for me to hear him say those things to me because I had no idea that he was even contemplating ending the relationship. He is the only friend who I have and trusted since I moved to California 3.5 yrs ago and now he is gone. He was such a great part of my daily life that Im finding it difficult to not call him, and to just move on. I also still find myself caring about how he will feel. I tell myself that he is only confused right now and needs time, then he will come back to me. But what if that doesn't happen? What if he decides that Im NOT who he wants ever? So now, I am going to worry about myself and Im MAKING myself move on. Maybe he was only in my life for to learn certain things from me and to teach me certain things. Each of our relationships is a learning experience and as much as it hurts to face reality, you have to realize that there is nothing that you can say or do right now to change her mind. If you two are meant to be together, your paths will cross again. If not, then you will find (over time of course) that this break-up may have been one of the best uncontrollable decisions in your life. I hope that things work out the way that you want them to. But if not, please realize that God has a plan for you. There may be certain things that you want for yourself (like your ex) but maybe she isnt the woman that God has for you. And, it may take a few more break ups and experiences before you find that person but you WILL become stronger and more focused through each one. Remember, what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. Take care of YOU right now because YOU are what matters most! Good luck.
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