A
female
age
51-59,
*ooty70
writes:A year ago I discovered my husband of 10 years had been joining internet dating sites and has in fact had sex with at least 2 of the women he met on these sites.I have been to marriage counselling and on anti-depressants and trying my best to get past what he has done. My family are upset and angry and shocked, as I have been, since finding out and he hasnt seen or spoken to my parents or family for 16 months because I have felt too ashamed and humiliated to have them together. My husband seems to think that things should get back to normal and he has no problem in seeing my parents, it is me who is keeping them apart.Anyway, my question is should I advise HIS parents of what he has done? His mother is aware that he has cheated on me but I think she just thinks he had an affair. She has no idea of the 6 years he had been doing his cheating behind my back or the number of women he has been with. It is tearing me apart by the lack of empathy and lack of support his parents have shown in this situation. They are ignoring it and dont seem to want to get involved or are just not interested.All his mother has said to me was "has he been a naughty boy", and that was way back at the beginning before I knew about the depth of his deceipt and cheating. All she has asked him is if everything is OK. Has never asked me if I am Ok. Should I be upset about his parents lack of care, because I am thinking about it everyday? My husband doesnt seem to want to tell them what he has done and just says that they dont want to get involved, and he wonders why I find it important to tell them. He just wants to brush it under the carpet and put it behind him and move on, but I find I cannot do this unless it is out in the open with his parents and I want to see how they deal with it. By the way, we are in our 40s so should I be more mature and not expect anything from his parents? Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Dear sister,
my advice will be to do not do not do any t hing. Do not drive yourself by hate. it kills you.
i feel that best option is to forgive him and give him chance.
tell him clearly that this is the last time for his error. Also figure out if you need to make some changes in you. was it because of yours nagging and emotionally taxing nature or some thing that you can change. it will be good.
I do not advice any revenge and kill the marriage and all. i know it is even more painful and useless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Sooty, I am sorry for your painful situation. You need to make a plan and decide whether you want to remain in a marriage to a man, who is doing this to you. When a couple marry, they willingly bind themselves to one another out of deep love. And when one's spouse never strays, that actions allows you to to continue believing in that love. Unfortunately, your husband has been unfaithful and that has validated your doubts about his love. And many people in your situation, will remain and simply live with the pain. You need to thnk of your happiness and the tense environment the children are enduring and decide, if your "marriage" salvageable? If you aren't happy, I would suggest you consult with a lawyer to find out what your options are here.
As for the inlaws, you are completely right. They have made the decision to to remain aligned with their son, by staying out of this. And no matter what you ever tell them, they will never turn against their son. If you told them that he cheated on you, they could be thinking a marriage breakdown in imminent and they will want him and the grandchildren to remain in their lives. So they are not willing to 'turn' against their own son.
The first thing to be grateful for, is that you have a strong support system within your own family. They are doing all they can to let you know, you are not alone in this journey.
Take the inlaws out of the picture. No matter what you do or say, they will always support their son. Accept that and make a decision of what route you want to go. Divorce or not. Counseling will help you with what you are going through...you need that advice and counsel to helping you look after yourself and become a stronger person.
I wish you the best...I wish you strength and for the sake of the kids, put them first...and always think of their well-being...always. Good luck, dear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Divorce this man and find another one, someone who will be faithful to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): More Info as requested: We have 2 young children together and we went to marriage counselling together and apart for about 4 months. He lied to the first 2 marriage counselors when they asked if he had sex with these women.
I figure his parents dont respect me and show little interest in anything to do with me or him and only show interest in children's birthdays and christmas etc.
I have to assume that their lack of interest in what he has done equates to the fact that they dont want to get involved and that is their way of showing it by not asking about it. I want them to know even if they do or say nothing, I just want them to know how deceitful their son has been towards me. Sooty70
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A
female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (13 August 2010):
More info please. Do you have children together? Is he in marriage counseling also with you? Do you each see individual therapists? What do you hope to gain by telling his parents if they have shown that they are aware of him being 'naughty' but have said nothing else?
I mean, whether he cheated with 2 women for one year or 15 in 6 yrs do you think his parents response will be any different? Do his parents like you and respect you?
Hard to make any suggestions without knowing more.
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