A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Oakie dokie then,I am getting concerned regarding a friendship, it may be a little on the difficult side to explain but here goes:My husband has made frinds with a guy at work about 6 months ago, they get on really well and enjoy a good laugh, lets call this guy Tom (Example).Anyway, i have been getting to know Tom's wife, she is lovely and a real friend i adore her. I help her look and entertain the kids if our husbands are away and we spend alot of time having brews.Anyway, whenever we are all together maybe having a few drinks or a get together Tom will be ok one minute with me then the next he will make a few comments that really bug me or upset me.One of these comments was regarding me wearing a top. The comment was: 'That's the 3rd time i've seen you wearing that to go out in, don't teach my wife any of you wardrobe malfunctions'.The problem is the vibe i get from him is quite simply that he is 'tolerating' me which is fine coz in a way i am 'tolerating' him and don't really like him.All i have been doing lately is staying clear but we have been invited to Tom's house on Sunday for a b'day party. I find Tom very dominant in a conversation and heaven forbid argue with him!I feel a bit stuck in the middle as my hubby is friends with tom and i enjoy Tom's wife's company, what to do?And i haven't mentioned this to anyone as yet:s
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I'm afraid in this situations, you have little choice but to tolerate him. If you want to remain friends with his wife and you want your husband's work situation to be OK, then you need to put up with his presence in your life to some extent.
That said, this does NOT mean that you have to see him regularly. Nor does it mean that you have to sit back and let him ride roughshod over your feelings.
I suggest that you sit down with your husband and explain that you find this man difficult. Make it clear that you're not asking him to break off the friendship, or to take any other kind of action. It's just that you're being hurt by rude and arrogant behaviour. Tell your husband that you'll be polite to his friend, in respect of his feelings and those of his wife, but that you'd also like to limit your contact with him to some extent. This doesn't mean never seeing him, but maybe seeing him less regularly.
Also, don't stand for insults in public. If he says something rude about your wardrobe, take him to one side. Ask his permission to raise a difficult topic with him, and say that you find it hard to talk about (this buys his confidence and openness). Then explain to him that you feel a little bit hurt by his personal comments about your clothes. Do it quietly, and gently. He will probably try to bluster his way through with something along the lines of 'Oh God I don't mean it, can't you take a joke woman!'. This is classic defensive behaviour.
I know it's hard to stay calm in the face of such patronizing behaviour, but try to keep your voice steady and your tone gentle-but-firm as you say 'Tom, it really does make me feel very uncomfortable. I'm not good at dealing with such negative personal remarks and I find it awkward when you do this. I'm asking you as a personal favour.'
I have a situation similar to yours, with a friend who is rude, does not respect boundaries and sometimes behaves like a spoiled child (not only will he make deeply inappropriate personal remarks, hewill, quite literally, take his trousers off in my home and lie on the floor and go to sleep). Don't be forced into feeling that you're being oversensitive here. But don't lose your grace and dignity arguing with such a man on his own terms. Be quiet but firm and strong!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Hi, thanks for the reply.
Yes sorry i should of used 'X' as an example.....Sorry to all the Tom's :)
The remark was made in front of my hubby as we are military X has just been promoted to the rank above my hubby so yes i totally get the rank thing! X always says he is not rank orientated so i think he has totally contradicted himself!
One other comment was on me wanting to see the same concert in x2 different locations and with different people as i live abroad, this was met by rants from X saying there's no point, waste of money, blah blah blah. He's very loud when he talks and blunt ton the point which i find quite scarry and off putting as i am not a confrontational person but seems as though X is trying to rile me.
I am trying for the sake of our spouses and i think if i mentioned this to my hubby he would maybe try to ease off with X but i dont want to put hubby in that position.
I thought it might of just been me reading into things too much as i am one of these people who think alot about other peoples thoughts of things.
I never know what to talk to X about and if he asks me something i feel 'On the spot' and like he's judging my reply, it's tense and horrible but i try to play it cool as i dont carry a rank, i'm a wife! I think next time X is in conversation with me i WILL NOT let the rank fly with me!!!
Thanks guys :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): He sounds like a jerk, so when he says these crappy comments remember - JERK!!
I would confornt him when you get the chance, just the two of you. Chances are, as he is a jerk, he will either deny it or make another crappy comment.You could tell him how it makes you feel and that you want him to stop. Keep it simple and to the point.
Dont involve your husband too much - let them be friends. However, spending time as a foursome? I dont think I could. My social time is so precious to me and so little that I only want to be with people who I have a good time with. So you could, if he refuses to stop making these comments, mention it to your husband and say that you are uncomfortabl spending time with him anymore. I think thats okay. If you want to carry on spending time as a foursome then that is fine, i'm just saying I dont think I could. Carry on seeing the wife and all will be well! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Always trust your instincts. Mine have been spot on several times when it counted.
This man, I'll call him X, so as not to offend all the lovely men call Tom in the world (i'm smiling). X is being unbearably rude to you. And sounds like a control freak. Ask your husband about the work X does. Same level or different level to your husband? What's in it for X?
Sorry to be cynical. But every relationship has 'pay offs'. But a work relationship can be strategic, or brown nosing. Of course it can be great support sometimes too.
But the people skills of X are on the floor and crumpled at that. Can your husband
See through X? Apparently not.
Did X make that horrible remark so your husband could hear it? If yes X is positioning himself as superior to your husband. If your husband did nothing then your husband feels intimidated by X. Of course your husband should have made a positive and supportive comment about you in that top, to let X know he was out of line.
Did X make the remark when he knew your husband could not hear it? In that case X is a proven manipulative bully who does not like you.
Talk to your husband. Find out more about X. Let your husband know about the remark. Ask for better support next time. If there IS a next time.
If you like the wife of X then meet her for lunch in the day time. You 2 can still have a friendship. Even if your husband cools it with X.
And do not fall for X claiming he was just 'having a joke'
No it was not a joke. The remark by X was a put down, to belittle you, and put you in your place. I would not trust X as i think he is bad news
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