A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have 3 wonderful children together...Herman (I'll call him) works 2 hours away from home and frequently has to work overtime; sometimes as much as 90+ hours a week. There have been many times I have wondered if he is actually at work though. His checks don’t reflect proper payment that he claims.One time there was a gathering for couples with a group of friends from work; which he didn’t tell me. He said it was a birthday party for guys only. People kept calling him all day. He just looked at the caller ID and erased it right away. I asked what the big deal was... They would see him when he got there. Then he got very upset that I found out that it was a couple’s party. Why couldn’t I go with him? There have times he didn't come home for a few days with NO explanation or courtesy calls. I did worry about him falling asleep driving 2 hours after working 14 hours straight for 7 days. In the past I have tried calling him a time or 2 every few hours with no response. I have talked to his female co-worker (whom he works with regularly) on the phone once while trying to find him after a few days. We played phone tag for a few hours. Finally she called back and said that she got a hold of him and he was going to call me. He told me they just ate supper together... HUH??? So, one or both lied to me. What is the point of that; especially if there is nothing to hide?I have seen emails and text messages to this female co-worker (previously mentioned) telling her about our personal problems. I honestly had no problem with that; except for the fact that I knew nothing about these problems. I even saw emails from realtors in her area... When confronting the situation, he just became very angry.I insisted that I get to meet this female co-worker in person after a few years of this. He finally relented. During our dinner, I mentioned the fact that I don’t like being lied to for any reason. I may not like the truth, but, I'll be a lot unhappier when lied to. She just grinned at me. I feel that was her way of saying she knew exactly what game she was playing. Herman supposedly thinks it is only friendship. Even though he knows it hurts me for them to talk with each other.About a year ago, he started saying her name while he was asleep... He doesn’t understand why I am so upset?? Yeah, right... I have asked him to cut all ties with her. Do you have any suggestions on how to make him see how serious I am about them ending their conversation, tests, emails and lunches?? Cripes, I haven’t had as much alone time with him as her, in years…
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): I think you need to begin to take care of yourself.
I know it's hard for you to think this way, but you can't let others make you feel unhappy. You sound like a great lady, and it sounds like your husband has somehow been bewitched, has forgotten the marriage, or perhaps strayed as there were issues that have remained unresolved and its easier to chase skirt at work. He's plainly at work way too much where this other person can tempt him, enjoy his company without having to do laundry or take care of his kids. He may have succumbed to temptation or even actively pursued it. No one will know unless he fesses up.
If I may suggest, try to make sure you put away enough money that you can make a down payment on a rental apartment. Second, I would ensure that you take care of your physical and mental health. All these worries are probably affecting your self esteem - eat right, exercise and show affection to your children. Make sure you let them know that you love them. Try to get enough sleep, and don't abuse alcohol, food or drugs during this stressful time. Take pride in yourself as a person. Remember you are your own person first, before being a wife and mother.
Okay, as for this situation, don't confront him until you have at least 1-2K put aside in a separate bank account as an emergency fund, more if you can manage it.
That way you have some options when you confront him. You may have to leave if he chooses this work & possible mistress life.
When you do confront him, you should ask him to make a choice between making work a priority or home and family. For the health of the marriage, he needs to change jobs. You should also tell him that spending all his time at work has left him vulnerable to temptation, which he may or may not have acted on. And then I would give him a reasonable deadline to act on the job change.
If he complies with your request, you should ask that he also admit to having an extra marital relationship and to surrender his cell phone and make more time for your marriage. Not that you should police his actions, but he should behave transparently and report on where he is until you can trust him again.
If he has a guilty bone and is a decent person underneath it all, he may just break and fess up. Then you will go into grief, but at least you have some thing to build your marriage on.
If he does not fess up, denies and continues, you should make tracks and move on, however hard it is. You'll need a lawyer and a place to go.
Good luck with it all and listen to your heart. Take care of yourself and your family!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): good Day to you and bless you.Find out where she lives or find a head office for your husband and forward all his personal items ,then change the locks on your doors.
He will then realise the game is up. Have pride and be strong.Then he will treat her the way he is treating you.
Good luck
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