A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, just looking for some support. I love my husband a lot but only as a good friend/partner. we have been together 10 years and have 2 kids. I feel NO attraction to him whatsoever. The main thing is he doesn't take care of himself, showers only every few days even though he works construction, doesn't brush his teeth often and has the most god awful breath. Sex with him is horrible for me. I am disgusted by his smell, his breath and his back acne and I can't take it anymore. I've tried telling him to go to the dentist for YEARS and he refuses, he also refuses to shower properly or take care of his back (says he can't see it so it doesnt bother him). I don't want to have sex with him, ever, but he will insist and insist and kiss me all over with his gross breath until I just give in so I can get some sleep. Thankfully the whole ordeal is over in just about 10 minutes because he also has NO talent for it and I can't do foreplay because he stinks so bad. I guess the question is how do i tell him i have no sexual interest in him and I just want to be his friend? when i bring up the subject of our frozen relationship he clams up and completely ignores me and says I love him, I'm just complicated. I can't afford to leave right now but I'm saving up some $$. I don't want to break his heart but I cant take anymore...I feel trapped and don't know what to do. Please give me some advice...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): for me personal hygiene is a big thing. i feel sorry for you. cannot image going through this personally.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 I don't think anyone would blame you for being disgusted. Basic hygiene does not take much effort really and if you notice the smell, other people will too! I don't think you have been firm enough with him - if it was me, I would definitely be on a 'bedroom strike' until he cleaned up his act (literally!). He definitely needs to see a dentist because poor oral status can have a profound effect on the whole body - it is not just bad teeth, it can cause all sorts of immune system and cardiac problems. Since he is not acting like an adult by cleaning himself, perhaps you need to adopt a management role in his personal hygiene. By that I mean make dentist appointments for both of you at the same time so he is more inclined to go with you. Begin a routine where you take his work clothing off him as he comes in from work and escort him to the shower room.
Refuse to sleep in the same bed as him until he cleans up his body, because giving into his demands isn't dealing with the problem. Rather than seeing this just as a problem in your marital relationship, you should be motivated to change him for health reasons - his bad acne is probably because he doesn't wash enough so there will be a build up of secretions on the skin produced during sweaty activity. His bad breath is probably gum disease. I am not suggesting you have to bathe him personally in disinfectant but if you remain firm and consistent by not giving in to his demands then he may change!
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