A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here it goes. I have two children. One that is 2 and one that is 2 months. I just found out 3 weeks ago that my Husband went to three massage parlors through the past year. The first time he went was a month before I got pregnant. I confronted him about it and we have been talking together about it for these three weeks. He promises he only went for a massage. That he would never cheat on me. He couldn't do that to our family etc. That he went because he would get a "rush" that he would leave and masturbate in his car to pictures online. That the financial stress made him crazy this year and going would allow him to feel a relief from his job. He says he feels like he's been a failure, that we have been stressed the past few years about money. I say, no excuses that he went there. That the only failure he has on him now is he lied to me and went there. I'm at home with my kids. I feel like i'm trapped. I want to believe he did in fact masturbate in his car but one only can imagine what is running through my head. I'm sleep deprived from having a newborn and have anxiety over my husband. Bottom line, he hurt me and says he will work for our love the rest of our lives...But i'm hurt. I'm hurt so bad it's consuming my thoughts everyday until he comes home and talks with me until I resolve my worries. Then it's all the same the next morning and i'm sick in my stomach. I have no family where I live so I have no help when I feel overwhelmed. Truth be told, i'm a wreck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): This hits home! I have a 5 year old daughter and a 3 month old son. My boyfriend of 8 years who has in the past been addicted to online porn and gone to strip clubs despite me saying I'm against it has gone to a massage spa. Realizing that I sound totally racist, it is employed by mostly Asian women and meant to be an all men's spa experience. (They would no let me in their establishment to have a massage. My boyfriend gave me a receipt with a fishy sounding name of a massage place by his work, the amount the receipt was for and the credit card bill didn't match! As much as I want to believe him I don't and don't think I ever will. I hope that you have solved your internal struggle with this and know YOUr NOT ALOnE...I feel trapped here too, I also don't want to ruin my children's shot at having both parents around because of an assumption.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): What's done is done. Now what you need to be very clear to him about is, he has no business going to places like this when he has a wife and kids at home. It's selfish, disrespectful to you and his children and completely out of line.
He's stressed at work? Awwwww....so are lots of other people and they don't go to places like that and they don't sit in their cars and masturbate in public (which may or may not even be true).
If he wants that kind of life then he should not be married...he needs to be a man, grow up and deal with life appropriately and he needs to be more involved at home with his family.
He needs to know how devestating this is to you...please take care of yourself and do not allow this to go on anymore. Men only understand consequences when it hits home. If you allow this behavior, he is going to keep doing it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): 1. He did not masturbate in his car. He came at the massage parlor that's the whole point of those places. A massage therapist or spa is NOT a massage parlor. A massage parlor means specifically massage of the sexual kind. He is lying to avoid getting in even more trouble with you. 2. I believe he is telling the truth when he says he did it because of financial stress. You are a stay at home mom so he feels a lot of financial worry as the sole provider especially if money is tight. That's a heavy mental burden and it can invoke a lot of shame and it never ends. It is not just stress he was trying to escape from its deep emotional pain. Having sexual arousal and orgasm is a brief respite from emotional pain. Orgasm creates endorphins and dopamine in the brain which are feel good chemicals. for someone who is deeply unhappy, sex and orgasm can be addicting as it is such a contrast to their "normal " feelings of unhappiness. But having 2 young kids the home is chaotic and another place of stress so he probably isn't going to get relief at home. Some people drink to unwind and relieve emotional pain. others take drugs. Others do sexual activities. These are all ineffective ways of dealing with pain they are merely temporary escape mechanisms that have negative consequences. But that's why he went to the massage parlors. It really was to relieve tension because he couldn't cope otherwise. He needs to learn better ways to lessen and cope with his pain that isn't so hurtful to the marriage. For example playing sports or exercising or meditating or taking up a hobby. Maybe he needs anti anxiety medication. Don't add to his stress by constantly bringing it up. Theres nothing to be gained by rehashing it over and over. You cannot undo the past. Focus on the present and what he is doing now to handle his stress and his shame of feeling a failure, in a non destructive outlet. It is not your job to help him handle his own stress but you don't need to add to it either as you've got your own stress to deal with on your own.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 January 2013):
Let me ask you a question: did he apologize and beg for your forgiveness? Or did he say he didn't do anything wrong and get upset when you accused him?
If he apologized he's guilty. It's a subconscious reaction to apologize when you're guilty even if you're telling the other person you're innocent.
If he's telling the truth he's more likely to be upset when you accused him and irritated with the drama.
After reading that he admitted he was offered a happy ending, it makes it clear that at the very least he went there looking for more than a massage. Maybe he didn't go through with it but it's doubtful.
I've had many massages by many women and NEVER been offered a hand job because they were massage therapists, not massage parlors. If he needed a massage to relax he would have gone the former. If he needed a "release" he'd go to the latter.
Let's say everything he told you was true. Doesn't it bother you that he went there and jacked off in his car? He's got a problem no matter what.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 January 2013):
 Oh my... this guy, unknowingly, just totally gave himself away. He said he went three times and was asked TWICE?? No *way* that would ever happen at a reputable parlor to a new or infrequent customer. A licensed massage therapist can get into career-ending trouble for offering it, and the very few who have taken the risk to offer it only do so to *very* regular, long-term, fantastic-tipping clients they have a very established history with.
The only place, and I mean the ONLY place where a guy would get asked out of the blue as a NEW or infrequent customer is at a NON-reputable massage parlor, and one of the seedy places that probably double for tanning parlors and you have to look for in code words on Craigslist or the independent newspapers. This means he was *LOOKING* for places that offered happy endings, and most likely the only time he went to his car to jack off afterwards is the time they didn't offer it to him.
Mark my words, he has LINKED massages to orgasms and goes specifically for happy endings. You don't need a polygraph, because he's not a good liar to begin with. I know this to be true because I have two friends who ARE long-term massage therapists, and the world would end for them for getting caught giving happy endings...prostitution laws and such.
This whole thing is in the murky area between a lap dance and a full-on prostitute. Your guy has done this a lot more than three times, though not necessarily while you were married. It's up to you to decide whether you want to put up with the activity. Many women, myself included, consider it cheating. Many women would toss the guy out on his arse for doing so and feel very betrayed and devastated, which I'm feeling you are right now.
I personally don't think I'd toss my husband out as a first action. However, I'd tell him that trust has been poleaxed and that if I ever hear of him spilling a drop of bodily fluids at a parlor again, I'd be stomping his legal guts out inside a courtroom.
Just take a deep breath. These parlor ladies regard your husband as a gross, necessary evil that they have to endure to make a living. No way do you have to accept his behavior, but I think with his eager cooperation, maybe some counseling together, and his full-support in your marriage and children, your marriage isn't done.
However, if you are done with your marriage, and you have every right to feel that way, there is always a way out. The court system provides spousal and child support orders to make sure he can't financially abandon you. There is always a way through even the worst of times, so keep your chin up. You have air in your lungs, two healthy kidneys, two healthy happy children who love you, and you will be strong, and you'll look this in the face.
You've had enough time to confirm things. Now's the time to make your stand. I'm guessing he'll acquiesce to whatever you say happens next, because he knows the truth, and you do too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Thanks for responding so fast. I did in fact ask him to go through and describe what took place. He went to 3 different places, said only two of the women asked if he wanted a hand-job at the end. He claims he just said no and that's when he looked up photos in his car. I saw the photos... Girls butt's etc. I looked into having a polygraph test done and might actually go ahead with it. Its hard for me to believe he didn't receive a happy ending either.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 January 2013):
This one's a tough one. However, if I were a betting person, I'd say he's easily getting a "happy ending" to every massage he's going there for. I doubt he's having sex with them, but many times if someone is a regular customer who tips well, the happy ending is offered. That's when a masseuse pretty much gives the customer a handjob at the end of a massage.
He may be skating the fine line between truth and lies when he talks to you, because while it may not be outright sex, another woman is giving him completion. I doubt he'd go to a massage parlor with an erection the entire time just to go to his car to "finish". I highly doubt it.
In fact, you could suggest he go to a spa as opposed to this parlor and get a deep tissue massage from a licensed therapist who would lose her license for even suggesting a happy ending.
I think he's getting happy endings because he's the one who is referring to needing an orgasm in the car after the massage. Who does that after a massage if it's simply therapeutic? Sounds like more the behavior of someone after receiving a lap dance than a massage.
I think you've gotta calm down some. You're right, he does need to come clean, and yes, you do need to know that he's telling you the truth about things. I think he is still lying to you, but the truth is, YOU need a break from the babies, and he should give it to you. His way of relieving stress could come by way of a happy hour after work with the boys once in awhile, not spending a LOT of money at a massage parlor. Maybe that's where some of the money problems are going to.
You don't tolerate the behavior. Have you even seen the pictures he supposedly masturbates to? Don't get distraught. Get pissed at his lies and don't put up with them. Also, YOU should relieve your own stress! Why are you always home with the kids and he's always going out? YOU leave HIM home and YOU go out!
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