A
female
age
51-59,
*ethW
writes:My husband of 16 years has been unhappy for a long time. When I would ask he would say it is not about me and it is just about his job and to just be patient. It got to the point where he was falling asleep on the coach and over the last year not asking me to do anything. Over the year I had been in denial thinking he is just in a mid-life crisis. The other day he told me he did not want to be married anymore. He set up a time with a marriage counsellor, but he said it won't help because he cannot change his heart.I told him to tell the kids he was going out of town and we can talk when we go to the counsellor. That is 3 more days from now and he told me this two days ago. I am barely able to function. He called my son and I answered the phone. I told him how hard it is and he seemed very cold and told me to "stick with the plan" and we will talk to the counsellor. I asked if there was any "hope" and he said we are going to figure that out. I am lost and confused and so very sad. He also seems very confused. What happened? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BethW +, writes (13 May 2008):
BethW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Justgirl for your kind answers. We will see what happens on our first day at marriage counseling. I'll let you know. I will try to be strong!
A
female
reader, BethW +, writes (11 May 2008):
BethW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo The anonymous male reader. Thank you for a male viewpoint. I agree with you. In looking back on our relationship and I did hold back sex. I was so busy with work and kids that I did not pay attention to the relationship. He had an affair 4 years ago and I forgave him and he said he did not want to loose me and we fell in love again. I told myself I wil never say no to sex again. What I noticed this past year that I have been the only one initiating. Now I am paying the price because I feel even though we are going to the marriage couselor on Wed. I feel that I have truly lost him. I also asked him if there is any hope at all to save this, (from everything I read that is the wrong thing to say but I have been so sad I could not stop myself) he said, "on Wed. we will figure it out". He did not say that in a "I want too" tone of voice. Whe he said he di not want to be married anymore I was in such shock. I new he was disconnecting himself from me this past year and I asked what was going on and he said it had nothing to do with me that he was just going through a "midlife crisis" The one night he finally said he was not sure he was the type to be married. That we never had a strong bond and that we had nothing in common. He did not give me a chance this past year and the more I think about it the past two years to create that bond and to be his friend. I have such regrets on how I was in the begining of our relationship. How can I get him to want to be married again? Is that possible?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): I have been married to my wife for 22 years; I think I too am a loving husband and father, but have also had times where I seriously considered leaving my wife... It is difficult for the opposite sex to understand the other on many issues no matter how much you talk it over; we are just "wired" for different roles in life. For myself, intimacy has been a major problem in the past (i.e. not enough from my wife). Your husband's problem may have nothing to do with this, but it is often one of the main problems in relationships. My wife has many legitimate reasons why she has problems being as intimate and sexual with me as I would like, and no matter how understanding I try to be, it does not solve the problem... This may not seem like a "big deal" to women, but it can be and often is, extrordinarily important to men. Men are genetically wired for reproduction and in the domesticated role of husband, we must feel that we are loved, DESIRED, appreciated and somewhat understood by our mate otherwise serious problems arise as our genetic urge for reproduction asserts itself and scrambles all reason. Women have a very difficult time believing that it is so difficult for men to "suppress" this urge; they often think men are just weak but there is a reason why this happens so often. Women are the smarter sex in many ways and must use their innate feminine wisdom, their ability to nuture, to diffuse conflict, to show tenderness and demonstrate a sincere desire for their mate... This is essential to keep him happily engaged in this domesticated role otherwise even a "good" mate will have serious conflicts that may be very difficult to convey. I hope this helps and good luck in restoring your relationship..
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A
female
reader, BethW +, writes (11 May 2008):
BethW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEasy to say let him go. He is a man I truly love and a good Father. I love not only as my husband but as a person. He really is a good person.We never fought and he was never mean. What is mean and cruel is that he has been feeling unhappy in the marriage and never let me know. I have been filled with anxiety and fear and I tried everything I could to make him happy by giving him space and supporting him. We go to counseling on Wed. so I guess I will know the whole truth on what is going on. Would like advice on how to get reconnected and get through this.
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