A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:lets make this short and simple.........my husband wants to be intimate with other women.but he wants to be with me. (or so he says)i dont want him to sleep with any one but me. im 39 wks pregnant and it hurts to be intimate. we used to be swingers but im done with that life style. i didnt want to do it in the first place. i only did it for him....he has ocd and is playing that for a card of reason why hes so obsessional with it.im about to be done with it all, the marriage and relationship. its hurting me to bad!please if any one is going through the same thing or has any advice please respond.thank you.
View related questions:
swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): The problem I see here is that you used to condone your husband sleeping with other women, in the form of swinging with him. Now you want to change the dynamic of the relationship by making it a monogamous one. From your husband's point of view, you pulled a bait-and-switch. You've "trapped" him, with a child coming along no less, and are attempting to "change the rules of the game". He's obviously not going to be happy about that, at all.
I'm afraid I have to say you should have seen this coming. Your mistake was accepting the swinger lifestyle just to satisfy your husband when it was never something YOU wanted. This is a relationship that was doomed from the start, unfortunately.
It's time to end the marriage. The two of you have different values, and different views on what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship. You want monogamy, while your husband wants an open relationship. There's no compromise.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2012):
 Fist off I will call the Bullshit card on the OCD/Sex thing as well. Even though OCD doesn't manifest in the same way for everyone who has it, sex is rarely a component.
This explains OCD very simply:
http://ocdinformation.wordpress.com/2010/08/15/in-what-ways-does-ocd-manifest-itself/
If you read the last part: (quote)
Moreover, OCD has repeatedly been described as the opposite to sociopathy, if put on the same scale. Patients with OCD usually have a tendency towards feeling guilty, and to be often concerned about the moral side of things. They overworry, and take great care not to hurt others.
If he KNOWS it hurt your feelings and he still pushes I would say it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with OCD.
OK, back to the topic. "You two WERE swingers, so for him it's become the "norm" to have sex with others then you. Going from multiple partner to just one can be hard for some I would venture a guess. As someone WITH OCD myself, I can see why THAT may be harder for him to adjust to then you. Specially since you two have done it as a couple and you "seemed" OK with it. Now that you are pregnant it's no longer OK.
Swinging should NEVER be done by anyone who doesn't WANT to do it or who does it for others. It's just not healthy. But that is a moot point now.
I would sit him down and tell him HOW you feel, try and reach a compromise you can both agree on and if not, well, then YOU have to make a choice for yourself & the baby.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): I like sex, i have sex with my partner most days, but that said i realise that what makes my relationship good is that i love her dearly, respect her, don't want to let her down...and we have amazing sex.
I recognise that having great sex is in addition to having a most wonderful partner.
I would suggest to your partner that there is a time for focusing on sex and a time for being mindful and working on a relationship. with you being 4 months pregnant i would like to think that your partner is more in the mindset of getting ready to become a father, prepping your accommodation for a new arrival and generally making sure that your needs are met as you are carrying his child and will continue to do so until the end of the summer.
now is not the time for him to be thinking about things he can use his cock for.
if his sexual needs take precedent over your feelings then i guess you do need to have a long conversation with him about what you want and expect from him.
your body is full of raging hormones and you are using much energy growing your child, and i don't think it is beyond expectations to expect support from your partner rather than dealing with your husbands sexual urges.
also it is a step forward because before you were swinging and now he wants to swing on his own. how is this gonna work out regarding babysitting/child care? you gonna be looking after the child whilst he indulges in sexual liasons with your reluctant consent?
like i wrote, now isn't the time for literally fucking around, you need support.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 March 2012):
 I am sorry you have to go through this while you are pregnant,it must be a terrible situation. I am afraid that my only advice could be : to thyne own self be true. It's often a lost battle tryng to control other people, the only person you can successully control is yourself. So, if you have firmly decided that from now on you'll only be in a monogamous relationship, that 's what you have to stick with- which, of course, may mean to ditch your non monogamous husband.
You can tell him, of course, that marriage implies mutual faithfulness - unless BOTH parties agree to an open marriage. When one of the parties withdraws their consent, the other party can either adjust and adapt to what is a legitimate request, or break the marriage, since its structure has so basically altered from what agreed. But ,they should not pressure for having their cake and eating it too.
I can see , in a way, that your husband too is in a bad predicament, I guess he might even accuse you of bait-and-switch;it must be difficult, and make no sense to him,, having known and loved a swinger wife and out of the blue now finding himself with a jealous and monogamous one.
It's a bit like a smoker marrying another smoker and then one day she quits and says " Sorry, I hate smoke , smoke is banned forever in this house and from my life , we can only stay married if you stop smoking ". He may even see your point, but in practice it will be a big : WTF ?
Neverheless, you can't and shouldn't condone something that hurts you and humiliates you , just because " he is used that way ". It's not really about him, it's about you , you have changed and evolved, if he can keep up with the change , great, if he can't... he needs to go, in your own best interest.
Oh and the OCD thing ? That's bullshit, OCD is often curable and always monitorable and manageable through therapy and meds too, if necessary. If it's really all his OCD 's fault, tell him to bring his butt to a good specialist right away, and get himself help to save his marriage !
...............................
|
