A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I will be married 15 years tomorrow. We have three beautiful children together and are expecting our fourth this summer. Today, he received a friend request from a girl he used to date in high school on Facebook. He once told me that he even wanted to marry this girl back then. I didn't think anything of it since I have an ex that is a friend on my fb. My husband has a cell phone through his job that he uses for work and he has another phone for personal use. He left his personal phone at home this morning. While I was sitting on the couch folding laundry his phone sounded an alert that he had a new facebook message. Out of curiosity, I picked it up and it said that he had a new comment from this ex girlfriend. I checked to see what was going on and he had posted on her wall that they should go out for lunch sometime. She told him that she lived in the town he works in (about 45 min away from where we live). Just on a hunch, I checked his messages and he had private messaged her and given her his work cell number. I was floored. I immeditely started crying. If I had made a lunch date with any of my exes he would have been totally pissed and accused me of cheating. Also the fact that he wrote it on her wall that I couldn't see from my page because I'm not friends with her seems really suspicious. I also found out from looking at her info from his page that she's divorced and not in a relationship right now. Am I making too much of this? Should I confront him or should I wait for him to tell me? I'm just so upset right now.
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divorce, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): I'm afraid he is definitely looking for a fling - I think the other advice is spot on, if you can get some support definitely turn up and be surprised. Failing that you could wait until the day has planned to meet her for lunch and then ring him when you are five minutes from his office in the car and say "I thought we could go to lunch today - I'm meeting a friend afterwards" or similar. However you want to play it you need to make him (and her by the way) look like complete fools. I bet she does not know you are pregnant. I cannot imagine many women with any moral compass who could knowingly carry on a fling with a man while his wife is expecting? Stay calm and catch him in the act. His reaction at the time and thereafter will tell you just how much he cares.
A
male
reader, sam44  +, writes (26 February 2011):
People down here have some good advice, try Lucy Lee's advice it sounds best, if its not good enough go for Abella. Tracking him down sounds like a good plan, dont let this go away without thorough investigation.. it might get serious between them, you know what i mean? Goodluck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Auntie Abella, has some good ideas :)
I think the fact that he hasn't mentioned that she lives near his work is odd, or that he is thinking of taking her out for lunch. Seems to me that he is hiding it, which isn't good.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 February 2011):
 you should be floored and upset.
Do not confront him yet. Get a girlfriend to book you and her a table for two in her name at this same restaurant for a booking starting 20 minutes after his booking. Say nothing about going to lunch. Go to the venue. Sit down enjoy your lunch. And act surprised to see him there. He can't be angry that you did not
mention your booking - yours was booked by your friend. He afterall did not mention his booking. Suggest you share a table, him, her, you and your friend.
Talk to her civilly as if you and your husband are on good terms (he has possibly hinted it is otherwise).
He will know he has been sprung. But what can he do? You will act the happy loving wife. Talk about your children and ask about hers.
Sure your relationship is in trouble. But by being lovely and civil you will act in a completely unpredictable way.
That will floor him.
Once home, alone with him, suggest a weekend away, just you and him. Because you care and love him.
If he is no longer as committed to you it is likely that he will say no to being away with you for a whole weekend. Then you can suggest, 'we need to talk'
But if the weekend does go well then use the weekend to start re-igniting the communication between the two of you.
As much as i hate facebook and regard it as useless and pathetic, in this instance it may allow you to keep an eye on her interest in your husband. To do so you may need to sign up with a fake picture, fake everything and after you have posted a few innocuous comments that make you look ok to her, then ask her if she will accept your friend request. If yes you can keep an eye on things. I absolutely cannot stand FB but in this instance i think doing what the private investigators do to look at clients on FB is justified and it will be cheaper if you do it yourself.
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A
female
reader, Lynque +, writes (26 February 2011):
At this point I honestly think you have nothing to worry about. He has been honest about this girl so far; he told you the nature of their relationship. If you haven't had problems in the past before, this is not the time to panic. Also, the fact that he posted on her wall and not through a message is a good thing. Those are basically your two normal options for communicating with someone through Facebook and he chose the less private of the two. Please try to relax and give him a chance to tell you about his plan to have lunch with her. I'm not sure how private of a man your husband is, but if he does not tell you and goes ahead with meeting her, it's up to you to decide whether to confront him. Give him a chance before you cause an unnecessary fight though.
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