A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:In 2003 my husband left me, saying he needed to find himself! We spent a year in counselling only for me to eventually discover her had another woman. She contacted me and said they started the "relationship" in 2000. My husband said not until he left home. All water under the bridge. My daughter (now 11) left the US to return to our family in the UK in 2005. My husband saw our daughter regularly on visits and calls every day. We also remained in contact on a daily basis and divorce papwerwork was never finalized. The Other Woman, never moved in but has been a constant in his life. He tried to persuade me to make a go of things, but I would always get a call from TOW (the other woman) saying they were still on, which my husband admitted to. Finally over the past year he has slowly had an "ephipany" and really wanted us back. We moved back from the UK at Xmas, only within a few days to discover secret calls and messages to and from TOW with the conversations of them getting back togther and to let us settle in. When confronted he moved out. Now what do I do? Do I bite the bullet and stay here, or take our daughter back to England where she was happy and doing well. She did not want to come back and I feel so guilty in what has happened. I am now finalizing divorce papers and my husband is planning a future with TOW. So much for working our marriage out. I feel totally demeaned, humiliated and stupid. He really let his family down, yet right now I feel I am blamed every time I open my mouth. Any advice?? I am truly desperate. Our daughter is unhappy, but all he cares about is his feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): I am "the other woman" in a relationship with a man who has been separated from his wife for nine months. Our relationship began the day she moved out. For the first five months of our relationship, we were blissfully happy. He told me he and his wife were divorcing but after months passed with no divorce action initiated, I began to doubt. Then I got a call from his wife, telling me that he had told her it was over with me and that he wanted her back. I was devastated and told him it was over.It has never been over, I'm afraid. The point that is often missed when men become involved with someone else is that they FALL IN LOVE with the other woman. That's the case with me and my boyfriend: Of course he should not have a girlfriend while he is still married, but we simply can't let go.Meanwhile, he feels horrific guilt about failing at his marriage and can not let go of his wife of 14 years, either. In the past few months, they have gotten together a few times a week for lunch, which is very unsettling for me. They stay in contact, although both he and her have told me that they have never connected sexually. Absurd as this sounds, he is "faithful" to me.She would like to believe that I mean nothing to him, but she's wrong. I have asked him to let me go... to go back to his wife and stop all contact with me but he says he can't. He shows up at my house, calls me, emails me and invariably, I let him back in. I love him deeply.Meanwhile, she won't let go of him, either. He says he just wants her to tell him she wants a divorce so it can be HER decision and he can be absolved of his guilt. He has asked me to wait while he lets go of this important person in his life, a little bit at a time. She and I have spoken and she told me he has begged her to reconcile and has assured her he has not had any contact with me.I must be crazy, huh? What self-respecting woman would stay in such a disgraceful situation? He has broken down in tears because he doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. I happen to love this man and I understand the pain he is in. It's not easy to let go of someone you love--even when the relationship is broken. That goes for his marriage to his wife and his relationship with me. You can be sure this is devastating for me, too and is doing a lot of harm to our relationship as well.He is so torn up about this that he and I are seeing a counsellor to work through it. We both want to do the right thing. I tell him if he loves his wife, go back to her but he says, "I can't. I love you and I can't be without you." He's asked me to understand that he needs to see her now and then, needs to hear about how his stepchildren and family are doing, needs to see that she's okay. He says he loves me and wants to be with me.The most sensible thing for all of us to do would be to extricate ourselves--his wife should stop the visits that allow him to hang on and I should stop being his back-up plan. I wish I could find the strength to do that but I love him and he loves me. And in my heart I have no doubt, he loves his wife. So as much as everybody loves to villify the "other woman" and dismiss the relationship as superficial or "all about sex"... think again. Know that she may be a crucially important person in his life who owns a giant piece of his heart.My advice to you, the wife, would be to demand absolute honesty--and that he have NO CONTACT with the other woman. He should be able to show you cell phone bills and his email messages and prove to you that he is no longer communicating with her. You can be sure that as long as he is in touch with her, he is still emotionally connected and may be torn between both you and her. I suspect that if my boyfriend's estranged wife closed the door on him, turned him away completely, she would suddenly have his attention. He would realize that he may have lost her and I think that would terrify him.I also know the same would be true with me, if I shut him out. He would be devastated to lose me. Somebody has to muster the courage to stay, "enough. This can not go on."Maybe one day, that someone will be me. But not today. I still have faith that he will find the closure he needs and we can move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all of you who responded to my question, your insights have really helped me. I will be moving back to my family in June, when our daughter finishes school for summer, and will leave husband and other woman to have their life together. They have no clue of the new pain and hurt my daughter feels, and he only wants to be a dad when he chooses - she was on Spring Break this week and where was he? Away with TOW!! Our daughter deserves so much more from a dad than that! Insult to injury - he has been calling while he is away with her! Needless to say I have not responded - moving on and up!! Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate your kind words. It is good to know that I am not the odd one. I am planning to move back to UK in June, I feel that is best for me to move forward. To make matters worse TOW arrives in town this w/e. Feels like salt being rubbed into the wound. Also "doting father" who was desperate to get our daughter back, now only wants every other w/e, as this frees him up for the other woman. Am I sick to have an urge to send her a message saying I hope she enjoys the w/e with him as my daughter and I are paying a high price - emotionally, physically and financially for their "happiness" together?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Hey Sweetie, you poor thing, I would say that you have given him more of chance than he deserved and he has blown it!
I would suggest though that you perhaps make a fresh start somewhere else in the US. I think you will both have a greater standard of living over there, I have lived in America and the UK and would live there full time given a choice.
Good luck with everything, but yes, forget about him now and move on, you will feel so much better in time and will meet someone who really deserves you and who will treat you properly. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Dear poster
Other aunts are dead right do what is best for you & your daughter ex can rot in hell!
Actually your daughter is doing you a bif favour wanting to go back to UK as he can't get to you there leave him with his OW it won't last & not your problem anymore.
Take Care
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Hi,
first let me say how sorry I am for you ending up with such a cheating rat. My advice is to be as far away from this man as possible, don't think his little games will end there. I'm sure he will come back again with some other bs reason for you to get back together.
In your position I would move back to the U.K if you can, your daughter is happy there so why not? You never know you might just meet someone who will treat you with some respect and remind you what a real relationship is about - trust. Good luck.
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