A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Been married for 25 years now, anniversary coming up in November.23rd November was the day we got married!I'm a Canadian who's been in London for 28 years now in total. I love my new adopted home city, but still keep in contact with friends/family in Toronto, my old home city.Now a British citizen as well as Canadian.We've got a 24-year-old daughter who's got engaged to her girlfriend and wants us to get involved in the wedding.Our married life's been good until now, when my husband had a revelation he told me about yesterday afternoon.He admitted on our wedding day he'd slept with his best friend for cash, his best friend paid him £2,500 to sleep with him, which in today's money is worth £5,000 adjusted for inflation. Sorry, cost of living crisis got me looking up this sort of thing.Yes, he had sex with his best friend on our wedding day simply as a "it pays the bills and I need the cash" thing. He told me we needed the money at the time. At the time, he'd passed off the £2,500 as a windfall from a competition he'd entered and I was none the wiser.As it is, we spent the £2,500 on essential stuff at the time, forgotten what.Isn't his explanation just a bit weird that he did it for money?Back in 1997, being gay wasn't like today, or at least being bisexual. As I remember it, people were homophobic back then here in the UK. Unless your experience was different.I don't know what it was like for you guys in the US, about being gay in 1997, it was probably the same as here.But since we've been married he's shown no interest in other guys sexually, and been a loyal husband. No cheating or so I thought.Now I'm questioning if he's cheated on me and if he's had any other affairs during our long marriage.Our daughter wants to get wed next Christmas, but I'm struggling to get over this.It's turned bittersweet. I should be helping my daughter plan her wedding not cope with my husband's infidelity.Now I'm struggling to cope.I really thought I'd married a good man but now I'm questioning if my marriage was what they call a "lavender marriage", i.e. he's gay and I'm straight.But then again there were never any obvious signs so I'm wondering if this was a one-off and he was simply motivated by money.He's always been hard-working. Done a variety of jobs. Builder. Petrol station attendant. Football steward. Car park attendant. And then a businessman.I really don't know how to deal with things and wonder is counselling the best solution or would it make things worse.Then there's the question of even telling our daughter.Yes, she's lesbian but it would probably be painful to hear her dad had an affair. She's not that active in the LGBTQ community etc. and I worry she wouldn't believe me.My daughter's closer to me than to him, and although they get on, they're not as emotionally close and he feels sad he never had a son.My daughter had a difficult birth and I was told by doctors I could have no more children, it would kill me if I had another child, so I recall.Is this something to even go on straightspouse about, despite him cliaming it was a one-off incident?And also, exposing it to his best friend's wife. I know they're still married as we went out on a pre-Christmas meal with them last year despite Omicron fears. I refused to let Omicron fears put me off restaurants.Was I wise to or not?Is it morally wrong to expose this to the best friend's wife?Anyway, need your help in coping with the emotional side of things and what to do next.I could move back to Canada but that's a bit extreme.What's the right thing to do here?
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affair, anniversary, best friend, cheated on me, christmas, engaged, friend's wife, his ex, infidelity, lesbian, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): Personally, I think he is a real jerk for telling you this after all this time. What was the point? It just caused you doubt and worry. Don't get me wrong. It was a totally uncool thing to do on your wedding day or any day when you guys were a couple. I just don't see how has his telling you accomplished any good. Unless he was going to out himself to you and that was part of coming out, but he did not do that. Assuming he is not gay and this was purely for money, you just have to decide if you are going to forgive him for what he did and if you will accept his explanation and absent any other evidence assume he is faithful. You should seeking counseling if you feel you need help processing these emotions. It sucks you do not have anyone to talk to about this. Telling your daughter would give you that, but create possibly needless chaos in her life. Telling the wife of the guy who paid him for sex would only spread the pain. Unless you know he is being unfaithful to her now, I suggest you say nothing. Counselor makes more sense and maybe they will have good advice on the rest. As for whether what he did makes him gay or not, I will tell you from personal experience it is possible for legitimate straight guys to be "gay for pay." When I was in high school I let a gay friend practice giving blowjobs on me and he paid me $5.00 each time. He got pretty good and I made over $300 that summer. It was a fun easy way to make some money. I know that is screwed up and morally wrong, but my point is I did for the money and I did not want to do gay sex with him or any other dude or date him or anything homosexual. He just rented my penis. Just saying, your guy might be telling the truth about being straight. I don't know, just saying it is possible. Also look up gay for pay on youtube and there is a talk show about straight porn stars that performing in gay videos for money. So it is gross but possible.
A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (6 June 2022):
Don't make things more complicated than they already are. I see no reason for you to tell the wife of something that happened 25 years ago. She may well already know.
It already sounds like an episode of Trolly oaks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): Typo correction:
"It will not change the [past]."
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): Keep your marital-issues between you and your spouse. Don't go uprooting other marriages; which will have no reparable-effect on your marriage, and serve no purpose other than spite.
You just assume his friend never told his own wife. If your husband told you; there is a reasonable probability of him confessing to his wife as well. There is a 50/50 chance. How would you look if you called yourself spilling the beans, and his wife already knows? She didn't bother you! In any case, deal with your own marriage before you go throwing stones at another.
You haven't found any evidence of infidelity thus far; and I can't pretend to imagine what a shock this must be for you. The fact you've found no evidence of cheating at all; should be of some consolation. One incident or experiment does not make a person gay or bi-sexual. You have to consider the circumstances and
all the facts.
There are cases of "gay for pay" out in the world of sex-workers; and many of these male sex-workers are straight. To earn money, they do whatever a client is willing to pay for. Men incarcerated for long sentences may cross the line; but once they are released, they won't go there ever again. Most will never ever tell; but the difference is...he told you.
You will have to base your feelings on what you know; and judge by the history you share between you and your husband. Your daughter is not a child. She had to break the news to you as her parents that she is gay; but you handled that well enough. Many parents disown their gay sons or daughters. Some will never speak to them again. Imagine that!
Your husband probably had an attack of conscience; and felt compelled to tell the truth to get it off his heart. He had to have weighed all the pros and cons, and decided to clear his conscience. It is also possible that his friend may have blackmailed him; and he decided to beat him to the punch. I can only speculate, nobody knows your husband better than you do.
By making this confession, he has now opened this matter up for discussion. He knew before he opened his mouth this would have a profound impact on your 25-year marriage; so he didn't think he could spring such information on you, and you'd have no questions. I'd say, go and ask him all the questions you have in your heart. I would think telling you what he told you must have been the hardest thing he may have ever done, considering the risks. You need to know why, after all these years, couldn't he keep it a secret? Once you know the answer, you can make a decision on where you must go from here. Honest people find it hard living behind a lie; and God designed the truth to be told, or to be discovered, and to rise to the surface. No matter how hard we try to bury it. I would wonder if his friend may have held it over his head for a long time, and he decided to eliminate any threat?
If he is a Christian, faith and the conviction of the Holy Spirit would force him to tell you the truth. If that was the reason; God will be the guide and healer of your marriage. If this is the prelude to more truth, prepare yourself; but don't get ahead of things. Our first inclination after bad-news is to think things could only get worse; but you have to trust the 25 years you've loved each-other to have some influence over the outcome of things.
I don't see any benefit in discussing it with your daughter; but that's up to him, rather than you. Although, you don't have to keep any secrets if you don't want to. What goes-on in a marriage, is between a husband and wife; children don't need to know all your personal-issues. They may unfairly judge you based on already resolved matters; and it could adversely affect the parent-to-child relationship. You can bet your last pound that your daughter isn't going to share all the details of her relationships or marital-issues with you. Mainly, because it wouldn't be any of your business, lest she needed you to know.
If he's got some kind of ulterior motive behind all this; then wait and see. Your decision may be swift.
Counseling is for when you have serious difficulty, or deficiencies, in communication; or when a couple finds themselves at an impasse, sensing they've exhausted all avenues of resolving their problems. When forgiveness is stalled, or may be nonexistent. When something is done that may be the final straw. It will not change the pass. If you seriously believe it will help, then by all means!
I think now is the time for serious communication; but give yourself time to absorb this. Don't let your imagination, impulsiveness, or suspicions get the better of you. You're in shock, and you need to give yourself a moment to gather your thoughts and emotions; so you will have a clear head, and won't act rashly. Waiting 25 years to hear such a thing is like taking a whack to the skull with a hammer, and a punch to the heart! You have lived a quarter of a century together, and now this!
I don't think you're ready to talk about it at this point. You have to let the shock subside; so you can think straight. (No pun intended!)
In today's society, a marriage of 25 years consecutively is almost an anomaly! Something is working, and you said yourself..."Our married life's been good until now..."
You have something to work with. Don't create suspicions and wild scenarios; because you can only build a case on solid evidence. Not wild guesses and suppositions. He knew this wouldn't go well; so now the ball is in your court. I recommend a deeper discussion; but not until you have your bearings. If you feel a mediator should referee any further discussion; because you feel you might lose-it, then counseling would be a good consideration. He didn't come-out and tell you he was gay; but he confessed to an experience, and he explained the reason why. If it is unforgiveable, and you will never trust him again; then I guess you'll have to do what your heart tells you to do.
At some point, you will either have to put this behind you; or you must decide the fate of your marriage. You can't bear a grudge, and/or stay married to a man you no longer trust; and don't believe to be straight. If you feel you can't tolerate being married to a bi-sexual; you don't have to remain married to this man. When he exposed this to you; he had to know that was the risk of a confession.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (5 June 2022):
 I can see why your upset, who wouldn't be, divulging the fact that he slept with someone else for money, on your wedding day of all days.
He was unfaithful on the most special day of your life, and its taken him 25 years to divulge this fact to you.
Sexual intercourse took place and money was exchanged, in my book this is prostitution, as the other guy essentially paid him for it.
You ask is he gay, or bi. Well he had intercourse with someone of the same sex, so its obvious he must have, or still does harbour gay tendencies. I can only answer it from my perspective really being 100% staight i would not be able to become aroused with someone of the same sex.
Why has it taken him all this time to tell you what happened?. Why did he not tell you sooner?. And was this the only time he did this?. Unfortunately you may never know the answer to that question.
What happens next is really down to you, either accept the fact that it happened, it was a long time ago, try to sweep it under the carpet and move on.
But i feel that that now you know you are finding it hard to deal with, the problem with things like this is the trust barrier has been broken, once this happens it will either make or break a relationship.
If you feel that you never will be able to trust him again and its eating you up inside, this is unhealthy and not good for your health, at the end of the day your health and happiness is whats important.
Your daughter is older now about to start her own life and she entered adulthood with you both together, if you split up i don't think she needs to really know the details of the reasons why. If your really struggling with this maybe seek some legal advice and see where you stand with regards to getting a divorce.
In the mean time give yourself some self love, tell yourself some positive affirmations, concentrate on some breathing exercises, some walks in nature, see friends etc. Things will get easier, and remember you don't have to go through this alone.
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