A
female
age
41-50,
*ophie80
writes:hi i would really appreciate any advice on what to do when your husband has shut down emotionally and broken up with you suddenly.i really want to work things out but im too scared to try,i dont know what to do anymore. before when he broke up with me i was still doing everything for him after and he held me at arms length for months before he told me he loved me all along and we got back together.everything was amazing until commitment(we wernt living together or anything)was mentioned then he kind of shut down again and drifted away emotionally until finally he ended it out of the blue.this time i couldnt bear the idea of letting him hold me at arms length again in the hope that hed come round eventually cos it was awful before.when he broke up with me he was really upset and i asked if we could just have some space to think for awhile but he said it was over so since then iv had as little contact as possible except for a few txts and i cant bear to see him,he picks our child up from my parents.i mean,i really want to but im so scared of being rejected again and i wouldnt know where to start.i figured that i had to let go and move on whatever happens and thats what iv tried to do but its so hard because i do really love him.i feel like it should come from him if he wants me but then again hes quite stubborn and been hurt in the past and it takes some coaxing to get the barriers down.should i give up and just accept he doesnt want me anymore or should i go with my gut instinct which is that he cares very much indeed and doesnt know what to do either??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I feel for you. I am going through the same thing.
The regular psycho babble applies - it takes two to tango - you both made mistakes. You, however, can cope with fears/doubt/hurts and are willing to work on it and he is not. For the sake of the kids, he has every obligation to stay with you until they turn 18, and a moral obligation to the marriage to make things work before he leaves. I am in the midst of this withdraw myself. Withdrawing love is a way of coping for them, but becomes a manipulation if the other spouse puts up with it. He needs to work on himself and since you can't control that, you could ask him to do it for the sake of the kids. Sometimes when you "act" loving you become loving - so maybe he can regain whatever he perceived that he lost with you. However, your health is very important.
Don't know what your religious beliefs are but what i'm doing now is reading psalms and praying for his healing. I am spiritual that way and read and want to believe that He is just as He is compassionate and whatever He decrees is deserving and beneficial. You can always lean on Him. Focus on your children and yourself. You ARE worthy!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Hi Sophie80, its a difficult position - think you have your heart and head doing different things.
I think you should give him some space. Do you know what split you up? and how long ago was it?
On this post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-move-on-after-breaking-up.html
i was giving advice on a technique used to help with the grieving part of losing someone. It might help.
Star.x.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I do think you have to try that is your marriage. I kinda went threw the same thing my wife just cut me out of her life and her kids life. I thought she just needed space but she just threw me away and everything we had was just a lie. Anyways if there is a chance go after it I wish I had that chance with my wife. Prayer works.
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