A
female
age
41-50,
*enniferMidGlosCT
writes:My husband has recently lacked interest in sex in the last few weeks - and everything I've done has always ended in rejection. I tried:• Lap-dancing for him (but he fell asleep whilst I did it - he loved this previously!)• Cooking him a romantic dinner (but he'd been out drinking with buddies that same night!)• Dressing up as a sexy nurse/lap-dancer/in sexy costumes (but he showed no interest at all, previously he used to love that, and would dress up for me as a soldier, fireman, wrestler etc!)I found out the reason why... on the computer he'd been looking at transmen, and had folders full of pictures of them in the innocently-named "My Pictures1". There were even pornographic pictures of transmen.I even found emails arranging to meet one of them for "friendship". If he did have a new friend, surely he'd let me know about it?I work in information technology, and know more about it than he does - it seems fairly obvious that he had no idea how to hide them, not that I wanted him to, but that's what you'd expect him to do with something of this nature.I tried to find out why he was so into transmen, and he wouldn't elaborate on it. I was patient, remained calm and unflustered, but he still wouldn't discuss it.My husband doesn't show any signs of having an affair, so I doubt he would do that - he's always said "Affairs are damaging, don't go there!" - even said it to a friend of his who wanted to get off with another woman behind his wife's back.I asked my husband if he was gay or bisexual, and to tell me frankly and honestly, but he insisted he was 100% heterosexual/straight. Isn't his interest in transmen and wanting to meet one contradictory to this?I've also been getting phone calls off this "transman" asking for my husband - there were 6 new messages on our answering machine for my husband from him.I confronted him over that, but he still would not discuss it.My husband is a decent loving guy in all other ways, he helps around the house, is a great cook, is great with finances, and earns a lot in his job as a manager of a local bookstore (I'm with him for his qualities, not his job or money).I don't understand this sudden interest, my attempts at communicating my feelings to him were rejected.If anyone is able to help me that would be much appreciated since I just do not know where to go next with this situation, and it's getting me down and depressed, jaded a fair bit of the time.Jennifer
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I am a transguy and I would say it's contradictory that he finds transmen sexually exciting but yet states he isn't interested in males....Since transmen are men and behave/look as normal males in terms of masculinity it would appear he does harbour some same sex desires. The only real differences between transmen and biological males is that a transmale will probably still have a vagina and your husband is likely intrigued by the idea of a male with a vagina.Sexuality is pretty complex and i'm not sure anyone is ever truly 100% heterosexual just the same as no one is ever 100% gay etc. Lot's of people have a variety of fetishes and pursue different sexual experiences for whatever reason. I would say for certain that your husband isn't being very honest with you and if it were me i would keep seeking answers from him.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Has he been a regular porn user? or is this new? I know I posted last week saying that it is true that straight men look at transman porn. But, you situation is different, because he has lost interest in you. He has been flirting with an idea, at least. That can be as damaging as flirting with a person. The person who calls (six times!) is evidence of at least some sort of contact.
Just off the top of my head I would say he has been fantasizing and masturbating with this porn. That would explain his lack of sexual energy. He probably has some guilt. That will add stress and make it harder for him to get in the mood.
Take his computer or Internet away for a week or two, for "repairs". See if he doesn't bounce back. Then get a counselor if you want to keep him. Your marriage can't survive his new interest.
FA
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A
female
reader, blackchange +, writes (3 September 2009):
girl i'm sorry to say your husband is gay. he is totally living a double life. i went through somewhat of the same problem. let me tell you it will not change only his different lovers. just leave, honestly because the longer you stay therer the more you are going to hurt.
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