A
female
age
36-40,
*ildearangel
writes:I have been trying different things in my marriage to make things better and I am tired and just do not want to deal with more rejection from him, so what do I do? Here is a little info on our relationship... We have been together for 6 years and married for 1 and a half years. Everything was fine until 6 months into the marriage. He stopped wanting to have sex, we went from 2-3 times a week to every Saturday to every other 2-3 weeks, all the while I was trying everything from lingerie to role playing (wigs and all). Eventually he fessed to being addicted to porn and now promises he doesn't watch it anymore but we still only do it every other week or so ( if I am lucky)... ( side not, I am only 25 and he is 31, is he just getting old or is he tired of me?) Things got worse when he had to work out of town for 7 months He came home for Fri and Sat but other than that he was gone. Each week he was gone he talked less and less to me. I have told how lonely I am and he gets mad at me and tells me to shut up, and I just need a reason to complain. We have gone 3 weeks without talking ( other than the typical "what's for dinner?" "Where are the keys?" "can you pick up some milk?" ) I was trying to prove a point to him, but it did not work, my point... If I am not talking to him there is no talking at all. I love hearing about his work and he loves talking about it but he does not talk to me anymore, I listen to him talk to our friends about stuff but he never tells me? I find myself ease dropping on him all the time because I am interested. I just wish he wanted to talk to me. I have asked him to go to counseling, he says no, I have asked for a divorce, he says no, He says he loves me and that should be enough? Am i being selfish? Needy? Please Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): to the female anon who wrote : "I have cried, begged, screamed and threatened to leave, but nothing works."
hon, this is a big wake up call. If you threaten to leave and it doesn't work, that means your husband is OK with you leaving. that means he actually wants out of the marriage (but is too coward to be the one to end it) so it's pointless to continue to beg and cry.
If you have threatened to leave, now you need to back up your words and actually leave or else your words are just empty threats and carry no weight. Future threats will of course result in nothing if he knows you won't follow through because you never have. honor yourself by sticking to your word and doing what you know you must do.
I wish you the best as you rebuild your life without this jerk who disrespects you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): I'm in the same situation, but we have a child who is nearly 6. He has abandoned me emtionally, physically, and left me feeling unwanted and lonely. We sleep in separate rooms. In fact we are rarely in the same room together. If I go into the lounge, he says he's tired and goes to bed. I have cried, begged, screamed and threatened to leave, but nothing works. After reading these posts I realise that I or my child should not be involved with a man who is so selfish. He too watches porn he says he finds me attractive, but still nothing. He goes out with his drinking buddies all the time and on occassion he hasn't returned home till the next day. There have been stories that he pesters females when he is out, but he denies all this saying he only wants to be with my child and me. I know that both of us should be strong and leave these selfish idiotic men and get on with our lives and be with people who value, care and respect us. I wish us both luck as we journey forward.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 February 2011):
you sound very self-aware, which is good. Maybe you could see a counselor to help you decide what to do.
I understand that you are not just hurt but also confused because he wasn't always like this. it's not fair to marry someone under false premises, i.e. telling them that you share a common vision of your life together only to then completely change his mind. It's like his personality suddenly changed. (that's why I would suspect he's having an affair). This sudden rejection and without any explanation is unfair to you.
other possibilities are that he is depressed , as in clinical depression. Men often don't want to admit that they have depression, but some symptoms can be lowered sex drive and becoming withdrawn and irritable.
maybe tell him that if he's perfectly happy with the way things are and doesn't want them to change, well this is making you miserable and you can't live like this because you see no point in this marriage if you're just going to be platonic roommates. If he refuses to divorce, ask him what's the point of remaining married if both of you have completely different views of what a marriage should be? Who gets to decide whose version of marriage this should be?
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A
female
reader, lildearangel +, writes (18 February 2011):
lildearangel is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for you comment and advise. It is hard because I love him so much, but to be perfectly honest I think I am in love with what we had. I have tried so many times to just live my life and not let things bother me but then I think what is the point in being married. He has straight up told me "I want to live my life and you live your life, and as long as we sleep in the same bed that is all that matters" The thing is that he did not talk this way 2 years ago, just recently. So I am stuck with all the emotions I had for him then influencing my feelings now. What I mean by that is I find myself excusing him when i remember what is was, but I don't want to live that way, don't get me wrong I don't want to be up his butt 24/7 I just hate silence 24/7. and you know the more I write the more I am thinking that I just don't want to face the truth. I miss him, I miss us, (sniffle) Ugh, I feel like a total sap right now, for the past month or so I have just shut down and now that I am talking (writing)about my life... well I know I have to do something it is just hard too, But this has helped, so again thank you.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 February 2011):
He sounds, to put it bluntly, totally selfish and uninterested in you as a person and in this relationship.
Maybe you two just have very different ideas of what marriage should be, and very different needs for the marriage. You obviously want and have a need for someone who is emotionally available to you on a regular basis, who will communicate and be intimate with you on a regular basis. It sounds like his expectations and needs for marriage are just simply to have a roof over his head at the end of the day, and anything more is a chore to him because it's not what he wants or is interested in. either that or he has huge problems with you, but is refusing to say what it is which is even worse.
And that's looking at things positively. A more negative (but also plausible) possibility is that maybe he is having an affair. That would explain why he is not interested in being intimate with you (he's getting his needs met elsewhere) and not talking to you (he's being avoidant, as people who cheat usually are due to the guilt). I don't mean to be alarmist, but I do think it's a possibility you shouldn't rule out. Especially if you've been together for 6 years and things all this time were great and only started going downhill like this a few months ago.
what's concerning is that you say "I have asked him to go to counseling, he says no, I have asked for a divorce, he says no, He says he loves me and that should be enough? "
This is unacceptable. He knows you're unhappy, but he refuses to do anything about it, refuses professional help, and refuses ending the marriage. In other words, he wants things to be exactly the way they are. justifying this by saying he loves you is a cop out. Just because you say "I love you" to someone doesn't actually make it true, nor does it give you license to do whatever the hell you want.
And he's not allowing you a choice in anything, it's his decision to shut down the marriage by not communicating, it's his decision to not go to counseling, and it's his decision to not get divorced thus keeping YOU trapped.
Since you did obviously ask for divorce (since he said no to it), you must be really miserable and no one can blame you.
If you want a divorce, go ahead and get one even if he doesn't want it. Don't let him control your life by keeping you in a state of deprivation and yet not allowing you to be free to find someone else. If he refuses to meet your needs, then you have the right to leave him. This is a perversion of what marriage should be. Marriage should be something that enhances both people's lives, it shouldn't be a life sentence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): You cannot trust this partner. He does not talk. He does not respond to you. It's not a matter of trying harder. The more that you chase him, the farther and the harder he runs. People who use porn from an addictive paradigm don't just "stop". They need more help, accountability, whatever.
So, where does that leave you? You are in a marriage without a partner. You have some work to do.
1. You need to decide if you can find support that will help you, and make a plan to go after it. You might start with a counselor or therapist. It should be someone experienced in dealing with the variables in relationships that you are dealing with: porn addiction, attachment styles that are not working, communication issues, etc.
2. You need to focus on living your life, both now and in the short to midterm future, without the expectation that your partner is going to materially contribute to your needs socially or emotionally. You need to figure out how to be in a house and be comfortable with yourself, while dealing with someone who is a stranger, for the time being.
3. You need to continue to develop your personal skills by relating to people who can offer you support, and to whom you can also offer support. The reciprocity might have a stabilizing influence for you in the middle of such a strained home dynamic.
4. You need an exit plan, should you choose to leave or divorce,that allows you to provide for yourself financially and sets you up to live an emotionally fulfilling life. This includes both academic and job related education and skill building, and interpersonal and intrapersonal dynamics skill building.
5. I don't think an "Either...or else..." statement will work here, but a therapist and a good support group might help you to stand up to the task of defining how, when, and IF you want to "speak your piece".
6. Words haven't worked with this guy. Actions may or may not impact him. I urge you NOT to wait around for him to get it together before acting to protect your emotions, your dignity and your future. I'm not a strong advocate of divorce. It could reasonably be argued, however, that he has emotionally withdrawn. Only you can decide if he has, in fact, emotionally abandoned you in all but name and marriage license.
7. Whatever your decision, whatever your plans, take inventory of the resources you have, and use them. Make lists of ways you can set aside cash, solicit support from friends, family and the community, and prepare for the next phase of your life.
8.. In the future, you may want to speak your piece, but for the moment, you might do best to hold your peace. By that I mean that you will have more freedom and time to devote to problem solving if you are not chasing him with the latest declaration of your intentions. Best to have a short interval, not a long one, between "I HAVE HAD IT!... and "I'M LEAVING'. This wisdom extends to discussing this with people on a "need to know" basis. If they don't NEED to know for you to get help, don't mention it. Obviously this does not apply to a confidential therapist, support group, pastor, charitable source of support etc. Just to the friends and family who may spill the beans before you are ready for them to. Probably best to get that timing checked with a therapist.
So sorry for the situation you are in. It is hard when our loved ones are unresponsive. Yours may be one of the hardest situations to deal with, however, because he knows you don't accept the status quo and he is NOT going to change, at least as you've related his responses here. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide individually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Sounds like he's having an affair and the porn addiction is a cover. File for divorce independantly.
I would have suggested counseling and then I would have suggested talking about divorce. You've done all of that, so there's really nothing you can do.
You aren't needy. You married him because you wanted a relationship, not a roomate. You can definitely find better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2011):
 The problem is HE won't try. You can't fix this all by yourself. He's most likely getting something on the side and just likes your cooking. I wouldn't settle for what you have right now. You are far too young to put up with a loveless marriage.
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A
female
reader, lildearangel +, writes (17 February 2011):
lildearangel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I know I don't need his permission for divorce, it is just that I don't understand why he still wants to be married to me when he doesn't act like he even likes me. I don't want to feel like I have given up, I would rather try everything possible and fail, rather than just walking away and regretting that I did not try more.
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A
female
reader, lildearangel +, writes (17 February 2011):
lildearangel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I know I don't need his permission for divorce, it is just that I don't understand why he still wants to be married to me when he doesn't act like he even likes me. I don't want to feel like I have given up, I would rather try everything possible and fail, rather than just walking away and regretting that I did not try more.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2011):
This sure doesn't sound like a savable marriage to me. He isn't acting like he gives a rat's ass about you. You don't need his permission for a divorce in this country. I'd go for it, you aren't happy.
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A
male
reader, askmeanything2  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 I dont think you are being selfish at all you have the right to know whats going on in your husbands life and work.
I hate to say this but it sounds like he is having an affair while being away and feels guilty when he see's you or talks to you.
You need to ask him face to face and take note of his reaction when you do ask him .
good luck hope all works out for you.
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