A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello, i been married for 4 yrs and have a baby 2 yrs old. before marriage my hubby and i would talk hours we had long distance relationshp. we nw hardly speak to each other apart do this nd tht... nd hv any sort of physical closeness once every 2 mnths. i talked to him abt me wanting more nd all he says he trying i talked to him recently and he told me since i dnt allow him to watch porn he isnt relaxed to have sex with me. has anyone gone through this? is this right? i feel ugly nd amd loosinb self esteem and confidence. i m always crying coz i try to do all he wants try to please him even initiate sex nd beg for it nd get rejected. is it normal?
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male
reader, Revenant  +, writes (22 March 2011):
This sounds completely ABNORMAL to me... all the guys I know will watch pornography if they do not have an active sex life... and that's OK for most people. But choosing porn over sex sounds very rare to me (though I could be wrong).
It could be that he likes to watch, voyeurism is fairly common these days... perhaps you could try "doing things" in front of him to put him in the mood.
But to answer your question... no, there should be no reason why your husband needs to look at someone else to want to have sex with his wife. Like other people have said, exploring your sexuality together may help, but you have to ASK HIM about his sexual fantasies. It could be that he is just too embarrassed about what he is into and he would feel ashamed if he asked you for these things. I had a similar problem in the past, I was too embarrassed to ask for what I really wanted so I didn't end up getting the satisfaction I needed from sex.
I think communication is the key here and to find out the WHY of it all, and work your way from there. It could even come to it that you have to force it out of him (depending on whether he likes being dominated or not). Most men will spill all their deepest and darkest desires only whilst they are actually having sex.
P.S. the parents thing really shouldn't have anything to do with it. Usually the man wants it all the time regardless of who else is living there.
Hope it all works out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): I'm guessing part of what's going on here is he feels you're being controlling toward him by not letting him do something he enjoys, so he's trying to turn it around on you by depriving you of sex. I suggest you straight-up ask him what he likes about porn. Find out if he's interested in one type in particular, and if that's the case, then offer to do whatever it is that he likes to watch in the videos. As time goes on, he should start to lose interest in it if his fantasies are already being fulfilled by you. It could also be that he simply finds it difficult to give up since he probably did it for years before he met you. Be calm when you talk to him about this, though, you're more likely to get answers than if you do it sounding angry and like you're judging him. Another thing, try not to feel inadequate as a lot of men like porn. I really don't think it has anything to do with the appearance of their girlfriends/wives. I believe it has more to do with them just being lazy and wanting a quick release without having to worry about pleasing their wives. And contrary to what the other posters said, I don't think your husband needs drugs. It doesn't sound like he has ED. If he can only get it up for porn (and has absolutely no problem getting it up for porn), then that's a porn addiction not ED. If that be the case, he needs some counseling and your support to help him get over this. No amount of drugs are going to cure it.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 so sorry he is showing you so little consideration.
living with his parents is a obstacle.
Ok - you can still reach the articles in DC. (that's a different part to the questions.). Click on to the tag 'sex' on a question about sex and other articles on the same subject will be revealed for you to read.
And you can get yourself along to the Doctor, about you. Mention problems re possible depression of your husband and possible need for viagra. Then ask if can make appointment wirh same Doctor to see husband.
Then cajole husband to have a 'checkup'
Also what is your husband doing about getting you and him your own place to live, to allow you more privacy? Tell him it is not that you do not love his parents, but you would like him to be 'king of the castle' in his own home.
Every 2 months is not often for sex. Do you think your husband is being faithful? Does husband have the extra time (when he is not with you) or the opportunity to see an extra woman lover that you do not know about? Does he go away for work reasons or come home too late?
Not sure how you find this out, be alert for him coming home smelling of another woman's perfume? Keep alert for any signs of this. Listen carefully to the things your husband speaks of.
You can still organise to get a very nice new night dress to wear to bed, for next time when husband seems 'frisky' wanting sex.
If baby still sleeps in same bedroom as you and your husband then discuss this problem with husband - that cannot continue. Baby must have it's own room. More reasons why you and husband need your own home, even if it is small.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni live with his parents and doing something togather...tried that... even going out on dates or anything just 2 of us is hard and if and when we go out like shopping, nd have decided will eat out, he suggests we take out and eat with his family. so no dates, no remodelling, he glued to tv or comp :(
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 March 2011):
Dear, dear, dear he is being petulant about his porn?that is emotional blackmail on his part. He is claiming he can't fulfil his marital responsibilities because he can't watch porn? What will it be next time? Will he need access to a lap dancer before he can get going?He has no right to put the blame on you.#Get him checked into the Doctor in case there is depression, which can affect erectile function, and for any other medical issue and a prescription from the Doctor for some Viagra.#At the same go through the Articles on DC for bedroom tips.Get a new sheet set for your bed #If you do have inhibitions you need to relax and suprise your husband next time#Finally a project for the two of you to work on together: repaint and makeover your bedroom to brighten up your mood.Make it classy and sensual (not nasty)On the first night with Viagra get your Mom or his Mom to look after baby for the night, so it is just you and him.And give him lots of encouragement and praise.
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