A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of nearly 28 years betrayed me. He slept with one of our 'best friends' while we were living together (before marriage). I did not know this. Had I had known I would have left him. Over the course of 15 years she became emotionally agressive to me, saying bad things about my husband in 'secret'. I won't go into the details but in a nutshell she used the knowledge of him to put a wedge inbetween he and I. She is married. When I found out about the sex thing, her agressive behavior made sense to me. I confronted her, and she in turn has since whined to my husband that I am a meanie! Plus told an associated friend so I am sure I am the gossip in the friend circle and have already been ostrisized by one of them. I refuse to see her. My husband said he will not divorce his friends of so many years. He knew them before he did me. I tell him to put priorities in place, that the wife should be top on the list of relationships. He is now crabby all the time and mean to me and thinks this whole issue is my fault! He says I have to get over it, and is basically sticking up for the female friend (linked to our entire social circle). I have seen a counselor but husband refuses to go. I am tempted to tell her husband everything as he only thinks this is about past issues, not bullying abuse on her part. Yes, I was dumb for tolerating it for so long but I was naive and didn't think my husband would ever do anything so hurtful as to withold important information, or side with is friends instead of his wife. This whole thing is making me sick, literally. We have grown children. Is there any hope? - Any suggestions how to handle a bullheaded man? Signed - Hurting for Too Long and Getting Too Old
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): Hi, me again for those who are reading. I agree, I did not have a backbone. He hid things from me. I gave him a letter, he knows all the details. But just doesn;t think its that big a deal! He minimizes me, and invalidates my points using justification with twisted logic. I think I am married to a master manipulator and a narcissist who knows how to create a good smoke screen to cover up misdeeds. Now that I have called him on it, he said we are "stuck with each other at this point", and just wants to live peacefully. He still thinks things can be repaired. He has shown his selfish soul. He has lost any hope now of my heartfelt trust, and he doesn't know but his friends will now feel uncomfortable around me. I told him I would go to her hubby and tell all... that set off alarms in him and he said it would only cause harm to an innocent bystander. But this bystander is backing his wife while not being informed of all the details. I am sure they will all know, eventually. Then it will get ugly again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): I'd leave him, as much as it hurts, I'd leave him. I think it's disgusting how he's cheated on you and lied to you for so many years, how do you know he's not done it again with this woman? you don't, because he's a cheater and a liar. I'm not one who advocates self- righteousness but, male anon is right - this man owes you your life back.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Well she did go to your husband for support. Perhaps it's time for you to chat it up with her husband and tell all. Just know that he may not side with you in quite the same way because you do not share a sexual past with her husband. So it could very well back fire. But it might be worth a shot. Clearly your husband still has feelings for this wretched woman, otherwise he'd disassociate her immediately for causing such a ruckous. I must admit the description of this whole charades sounds like something you'd hear from a couple in their 20's. So I think there's a complete lack of maturity in your entire social circle. Your husband may not openly abandon these friends but if you introduce him to new friends and fill up your calendar with other places, people and events the old friends will eventually fade away. In the meantime you have to stop talking to this woman. Don't accept her calls, her emails and feel free to unfriend anyone you causes you this much drama.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): You have so little power it's humiliating. Really, just look at it objectively.
- Your husband is a cheater and a liar. He also deliberately trapped you into marrying him.
- Don't be fooled! He has shown no remorse because that would mean that the power balance in the marriage would change. He knows fully well what he did and plans to get away with it.
- I say that this marriage is not over. There was no marriage to begin with. Everything was a lie, from the very beginning. This man owes you your life back.
Start standing up for yourself before you end up watching tv while your hubby is banging her in the next room. It's not too late to grow a backbone.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I recall your writing about this some time ago, I'm sorry the issue is still not resolved. I agree with writing it all down in a letter, especially the bullying you sustained over a period of time, and how you beleive he behaviour put a wedge between you and him for most of your marriage. Dont accuse him directly, but you can say when you did XXXX I felt this.
Try again, and if it fails go back to counselling to get some strategies in place to leave him, you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life with this bullheaded old man who is too proud to even budge an inch.
good luck
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Write him a letter, and in that letter do not leave out any details at all. Write down everything that this woman has done and said to you, explain to him exactly how you feel and leave him alone to read it.
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