A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of twenty years has recently started to go to strip clubs and bars while out of town for work. His work buddies have lots of stories to tell that involve the other guy doing something wrong but not them. They have each blamed the other for seeing prostitutes and picking up girls in bars. My husband has never been interested in going to these places before, with or without me. So why now? These activities were hidden and just by accident came out. When confronted, he said yes I went but did nothing wrong. This man also chose to go out with the guys on valentine's day and had no gift for me or a night out. In the years we have been married, I have only received a handful of birthday/anniversary/holiday gifts. Money is not the problem. We don't fight or have sex issues, so what am I missing here?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Looks like he's sleeping with prostitutes and strippers. I doubt he'd ever admit that but i'd make sure you use protection from now on. You could always hire a detective because your life and health could be at stake and you deserve to know. Read up on what exactly goes down at these places and you'll be shocked...these girls don't use condoms. Most prostitution occurs at massage parlours and strip clubs so it's anything goes for a cheap price. Look at cash withdrawals on your bank statement and also unfamiliar credit card charges. I'd get to the root of this and protect yourself against the worse...you can't afford not to.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 April 2012):
 He's been your husband of 20 years. You are comfortable together. You know everything about each other. Everything is OK. Money is not a problem. Sex is not a problme. There are no secrets.
Well there were no secrets.
When was your husband going to tell you about the strip clubs? These things were hidden and just came out by accident.
I think give him the benefit of the doubt. These are not places he frequented earlier, and he said he did nothing wrong. I want to believe him.
But he is mixing up in a group of guys - and some of those guys appear to be players, or want to be players and potentially a bad influence.
You know your man better than anyone. Has he always seemed the strong one? Make his own mind up and stick to his principles?
Or does he sometimes 'go along' with the more persuasive ones in a group to keep the peace? If the latter then I would be a little concerned that he could be led astray in a pressured moment.
But if the former then he is strong enough to stay an observer in the group and say no and mean it, then all he is likely to do is observe but not emulate the guys in the group.
And yes, maybe he thinks he'll be seen as a boring guy if he does not mix with these bragging 'lost their way' boys.
Some of it is bravado and exaggeration. But there could be an element of truth in all this. Certainly some of the guys some of the time are playing up. Some may even be seeing prostitutes or trying other risky things. Picking up a girl for a liaison could result in a STD being brought home to infect a partner.
These guys are not a good influence and I think your husband knows this. But who knows the politics or a work place? Or how men are accepted or rejected in a work situation. Jobs and promotions are hard to get and hard to hold on to.
Reassure your husband of your support.
To change the behavior of another person then first change your own behavior. If things are really good at home he is more likely to prefer to come home than to hang out with these other guys.
So ask yourself, truly, despte your assurances that all is well - is he missing some extra romance in his life?
Valentines day passed without him doing anything to make you feel special? And vice a versa?
Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries go unrecognised most of the time? by him towards you? And vice a versa?
Special romantic nights out occur (just you and him together) at least once a month? yes? no?
Money is not an issue, which is good. And you don't fight and don't have sex issues?
Could it be that no one is doing anything to upset the other (much) but no one is doing much to really excite the other (much) either?
And so he's sunk into a rut and forgotten how much he loves the woman he promised to love and honor 20 years ago. It is not too late the rekindle things to a higher level of passion than at present.
Consider introducing some changed behavior on your part as a way to encourage a change in his behavior.
Fix his lunch and write a love note to tuck into the lunch container. Leave him a love note in lipstick on the ensuite bathroom mirror.
Change your hair style.
Give him a loving foot massage while he relaxes in his favorite chair.
Suggest you get the bedroom de-cluttered and then redecorated with a fresher brighter feeling.
Start going on walks together, just the two of you.
Book a holiday together. Just the two of you. No other couples you know to be invited to join the holiday.
Sit up in bed and read out passages to each other from the Joy of Sex.
Relook at how you relate and think about how you can make your home more condusive towards love and passion and remember those anniversaries and special occasions.
He may start to feel a night out with the guys is not as captivating as a night in with you. And all those player guys will sigh with envy.
What do you have to lose? by trying a new approach?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Midlife crisis?
Sit him down and talk to him in a non accusative way. It's a matter of trust. He needs to be open about this, why he feels like he needs to do this now.
Does he usually make a deal out of Valentine's Day? But this year he didn't? Or do you expect him to, but do not vocalize this? Do you give him cards/gifts for special occasions?
Going to a stripclub doesn't HAVE to be wrong, that is up for the couple, so you two need to be on the same page with what you BOTH find OK in your marriage. LYING about going and being defensive about it, is however wrong in my book.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 In my book, this counts as cheating. Tell him point blank that you are upset about this behaviour and that he should not go again, not if he respects your feelings, not if he loves you. I can't understand how a married man could go ogle at naked women and have the audacity to think his wife wouldn't have a problem with it!
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