A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband call me bitch whore tells me i cant cook tells me im not allowed to touch his money tell me im a fat useless bitch infrontvod my kids, i did leave him but after 5mths took him back thinkingbhe had changed he shouts at me all the time breaks and throws things when he doesnt get his own way, i dont know what to do he has now being got renal failure and will have to go on dialysis doctors have said he wont last more than a year on this as he has other complications i feel so bad for hoping it will be sooner as i cant take anymore of his temper please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): Me again...they did NOT wish that he suffer. Just that he was gone is what I meant.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2011): From what I read the OP does not feel guilty for his illness. She feels guilty about hoping he'll die from it sooner rather than later. From what I read he was a tyrant when he was healthy and nothing has changed now that he is dying.
OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I have had close family and friends, literally days away from dying of cancer and even at their worst moments, they always expressed compassion and concern for those around them. I've also had close relatives who couldn't wait for their terminally ill, alcoholic, tyrant of a husband to die. They wish that he suffer. They just wanted him gone.
Your husband's behaviour is beyond the pale and you are definitely not alone in how you feel.
You don't need me to tell you how difficult it is to take care of someone who has caused you such misery for so long. The fact that you haven't left him to die alone (as you would be justified in doing) is a testament to your good character so stop beating yourself up.
This is very cheeky and you probably won't do it but I'll say it anyway. It might give you a brief chuckle to think about in those dark moments. When he is particularly abusive, tell him that you're considering donating his body to science. He was of no benefit to anyone while he was alive. There is no reason why he can't do some good when he's dead. Then walk away and let him chew on that.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Hi,I agree with everyone else here....the most important thing here is for you to understand that you should not feel guilty for his illness!!! Its Gods decision and you shouldn't live feeling the guilt. Be strong, you deserve to be happy, forgive him, not for him, but for your own sanity, because otherwise you'll be a angry, bitter person for the rest of your life if you don't. Its time for you to make a new life, be happy and hopefully find someone that truly deserves you and that will love you, respect you, treat you the way you should be treated and you deserve to be happy!!Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): Its very clear that he is dying to live but can't and that anger he is showing on you as well as on his own life, now no one can do something for his situation, I suggest you to love him still if you can or else leave for his situation to suffer, and one thing certain if you still love him, he may really remember forever for your love.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 All I can think here for him is karma. He was an abusive jerk, like everyone else has said it's unlikely he'd even give you an ounce of support if the situation was reversed. You don't owe this guy a thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I agree with the others, you don't owe this guy anything. It's up to you if you want to stick around and help your husband or not. Do what your conscience tells you. But, if you do stick around you absolutely must be FIRM, first and foremost be firm with yourself, and also be firm with him, that if he is the tiniest bit abusive to you, you're out of there. Be firm on this, otherwise you do yourself a disservice, and him too. He get's away with his abuse because you allow it by going back to him.
I don't know what makes an abusive person change his abusive behavior, or if it's even possible to change abuse patterns. I'd be curious to know, though. But, I am pretty sure they don't change if the victim sticks around and takes the abuse. So, DON'T take it. When he's sick, he won't be able to wield his abusive power over you, at least not if he want's your help. Remember that, and remember this quote by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: "Power over others is weakness disguised as strength." If your husband is dying, he's going to have to face his own demons. You cannot face them for him, and he cannot make you. Don't let him try. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (31 July 2011):
 don't feel guilty. he has made you resent him. he CHOSE to be abusive to you. now you have your feelings and you are entitled to them.
when you say you wish he would die sooner, if you really don't want to be with him you should leave. if you feel you are just hanging around waiting for his death, doctors can be wrong. they say one year, it may be much longer. whether or not you stay with your husband i hope you can make peace with each other before he dies
best wishes
x
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A
female
reader, bordergirl +, writes (31 July 2011):
If the medical conditions were reversed - do you think he would he be there to support you?
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Leave. He doesn't deserve you sticking around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): He doesn't deserve to have you caring for him while he dies. He should remember that "what goes around comes around" and he'll die alone for being such an ass.
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