A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I’ve got a lot going on in this question and I’ll try to make it as short as possible- I apologize if it’s too much to follow, but I feel like it all has to get out. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for 9. We were both previously married to other people for a very brief time in our late teens/20’s and have children from those marriages as well as one between the two of us- all 3 live in our home. Anyway, I instantly felt a bond with my husband from the moment I met him~ he has always claimed the same, we were just two halves that made a whole and it was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had. I had a decent childhood but never felt so secure, safe and just “home” as I did when I met him. About 2-3 years into our relationship, I started noticing that he was becoming increasingly “moody” and learned to kind of just deal with it~ it would pass fairly quickly, didn’t ever really have anything to do with me except that I got the brunt of it and if I didn’t push or try to “fix” things- life was grand. When we did finally get married, his moodiness really started to affect me on a personal level, because it was becoming more and more common and more extreme- I started to consider that maybe he has an emotional problem or psych disorder but I think that it also has to do with the fact that he‘s not sharing the things that are bothering him. He would go off about everything from the noise that the dog made when drinking to one of the kids walking “too heavy” through the house. Not yelling or anything, but just complaining. He’s not a outwardly controlling guy but some of these complaints make me think he might have control issues deep down.It really hurt that out of nowhere he would just be cold, rude and just plain miserable. Every time I tried talking to him about it or say those ill-fated words “what’s wrong?”, we would end up getting into a HUGE fight because, according to him, there was nothing wrong with him but now I have made this issue out of nothing, etc…I know that ‘s his defense mechanism, but it doesn’t make it any less painful or frustrating. OK, so that’s the background. About 8 months ago, we got into a major argument because I happened to look at our cell phone bill (the bill was outrageously high- not because of him, but because of a billing error) and I saw a weird phone number that was called at an odd time. All I did was ask him what the number was- he was sitting right there with me when I pulled up the bill and he LOST IT. He started screaming that he didn’t want to be in a relationship where his wife is so distrustful that she has to check up on his every move (which I do not do-hadn’t ever really looked at the bill except for how much it was and I didn’t ever question or doubt him about anything) and that he can’t stand how insecure I am (I am a confident, happy-with-myself grown up woman and “insecure” is not a word that’s ever been used to describe me, that was the first time I ever heard that one) and that he just can’t take it anymore. I was absolutely shocked. At the time, all I could feel was pain and confusion, but it didn’t take me long to see that it was his way of taking the attention off of something that HE did. Yes, he called an old female friend and I could’ve cared less. I just asked the question and wasn‘t upset or accusatory at all when I did it~ it was nonchalant and more out of curiosity. During that argument, he very quickly and adamantly gave me a laundry list of all of the things that he couldn’t stand about me. Totally had nothing to do with the situation, but it all just came flooding out. He was yelling at me that he was going to divorce me if I didn’t “fix” “it”~ but not really telling me what “it” was. That he was sick of me, that I was a bad mother and a bad wife. I couldn’t believe it. Every day, this man tells me how amazing I am, how lucky we are to have each other and that he loves our life and everything that I am and who I am. He literally uses the words “perfect mommy”, “perfect wife” and “perfect woman”. Then I get hit with this. I was a new stay at home mom, I have worked full time from the time I was 17 years old and was a working single parent for about 10 years. Learning how to be a stay-at-homer was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was overwhelming, but the house was clean, the kids were happy and I thought we were just rolling along. He began to pick apart my housekeeping abilities (toys in the living room, laundry left in baskets instead of being folded, etc..) and that I don’t spend any time with him when he comes home. That last complaint was especially irritating because he comes home from work and falls asleep on the couch -which I hate because I have to try and keep the kids from waking him- and when I wake him for dinner he spends the next 2-3 hours apologizing for sleeping. Every Day! Am I supposed to sit there and watch him sleep? WHAT? I don’t complain about that, my job at home doesn’t seem to ever end and I’ve accepted it and learned to love it. This was the first time he ever seriously told me that he was unhappy with me, our life and our marriage. Within a few days, he was back to telling me how amazing I was. I was so hurt that I went a bit numb and focused all of my energy on making sure that there was nothing for him to complain about. Yes, I would finish dishes, housework or laundry after everyone was in bed and that would sometimes keep me up until 12-1 am. But, that’s what it took and I wanted him to see that. He then started insisting on doing dishes to help me out (thanks dude) or laundry, but now complains that he feels like he’s “alone” in taking care of everything. Yeah, whatever man. Fast forward to this weekend. He’s away in another state for training and we’ve got a lot of external, life changing stressors here at home (bad tenants who haven’t paid, frozen pipes, military orders, moving, etc..) and when I called him this weekend he was gruff, rude and just being a jerk about nothing. I asked him “what’s wrong?” again because he was just so freaking angry on the phone- bad move on my part but it‘s an instinct that I haven‘t fully suppressed. The conversation wasn’t even anything other than our daily “hey, how’s it going” but turned into another shouting session where he told me again that he can’t stand me. He, again, went into all of the things that I need to “fix” for him to stay with me (ridiculous) and none of it is even stuff that’s within my control or really even specific enough for me to do anything about. The more I try to ask him to explain what he’s so unhappy about the more angry he gets and says things like “it’s not worth it because you’re too stupid to understand what I’m saying”, or “you’re so pig-headed” that he doesn’t want to waste his breath). Yeah, so, OK, that’s abusive and crazy talk. He says that he loves me because I’m the mother of his children and his wife but that I make him crazy (can’t tell me why) and he can’t take it anymore. He offered to go to counseling because “then they could listen to me and tell you what I mean and you’ll finally see how wrong you are”, about what?, I don’t know. He’s not even referring to anything specific. I don’t whine, nag or complain and wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I’m fit, attractive, smart and creative. These are the superficial qualities that most people comment on- I don’t care about it, but this is how people see me and he’s always been proud of that. But then he gets mad at me because of my “perpetual optimism“, he says I live in the clouds and can’t face reality- that basically everything sucks and I need to just accept that. WHAT? These comments come from conversations when he’s on a rant about work or other things going on and I either just quietly listen or offer my thoughts on life rather than feed the negativity- I just take it as it comes and accept that I can only act responsibly and with a good heart. HE HATES THAT! It’s like he wants me to be miserable too, but that would also backfire because on the rare occasion that I do have a valid complaint about something or I am in a bad mood (hardly ever) he gets all pissy, makes comments about my inability to cope with life and then tries to take the attention away from whatever my problem is by complaining about something of his own (he usually gets a migraine and spends the next few hours getting my sympathy-I learned that trick pretty early on as well). It’s so weird.I don’t want a divorce but I don‘t want to feel unwanted either- I would rather be alone than with someone who dislikes and criticizes me at random intervals throughout life without even giving me an idea of what “it“ is that bothers them. I am realizing that this isn’t just venting, I seriously think a part of him dislikes me and wants to leave. He says that there are too many “bad marks” on our relationship and that he doesn’t know how it can be fixed. The only “bad marks” are these ridiculous, bizarre fights that get us nowhere. We don’t have any kind of infidelity in our history, make good money and live a good life. We normally have fun together and live in peace-until he gets into one of these moods. I don’t get it, I don’t understand how someone who shows so much love can be on the fence when it comes to our marriage. A week ago, he was professing to me about how he doesn’t know what he would do without me and that I’ve made his life worth living, blah blah blah. Does anyone have any advice on what could be going on with him? Especially from a male’s point of view? I am worried and my heart is breaking because I feel so blindsided.
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female
reader, AdelleHopkins +, writes (21 June 2021):
I had been having serious issues with my husband and we had been married for 3 year with a baby, He just suddenly changed and started cheating on me on several occasion, He was hurting me in so many ways I never thought possible. I was at the stage of loosing my marriage. I discussed my situation with my best friend and she highly recommend I contact Dr Oshun the spiritualist for help. which I humbly did, I demanded a love spell from the Doctor. With hope and faith everything went to a whole new direction after he finished the love spell. I got everything I wanted and wished for, my husband is back to the man I got married to. You can contact Dr Oshun, because he saved my marriage from crashing.
[email address blocked]
A
female
reader, VindictiveKes +, writes (14 March 2018):
Your husband has seasonal depression most likely. Mine did the same thing except worse. I have gone through 7 episodes where he's been "in love" with another woman. He always denies it but I have actual proof of him professing his love. It starts in november and peaks in february, so every february i have to brace myself. We've been together 25 years. He loves me madly then? Cant stand me, wants to leave, blames everything on me etc. This time i told him i cant do this anymore so he left. Now, of course, the woman he thinks he loves whispered words of encouragement and even led him to believe they could be together if he left me. now he's going to pine for her until June, all alone. Its truly tragic. No one knows how depressed and bad he gets. He even admitted to her he was living in hell. Because of her he quit his job and left his wife and children. Normally this man is the most gentle and loving person ive ever known. He knows deep down he's making a mistake. Everything in him screams DONT DO IT but he believes what he is feeling is real at the time. Do yourself a favor and get out now. The toll it takes is too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): It's not a mental illness, and you shouldn't diagnose someone through the internet. It's an, they all are, abusive relationships, and you should leave.
My dad has a diagnosed brain injury that results in similar behaviour, I grew up with it. If not for you, then for your kids, leave. it's better to grow up in a stable loving single parent home than grow up in a volatile cold war of a two parent household. I was in therapy 3 years before I could say I resented my parents. Don't let your kids suffer the same.
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A
female
reader, loveiscomplex +, writes (30 October 2014):
Hello. First I want to say your are an amazing woman. Second you are blinded. He is cheating on you..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): You're not alone !!! My husband is a very good person, loves to help others, and a very hard working man. BUT for example he was telling me yesterday what a great wife and mom I am, he's a lucky man. Today out of blue he started complaining that I'm cooking to much and some random stuff but I hate when he starts telling me that it's because I'm stupid or that's how everyone is in your family!!! When I asked him what's the real problem, he will tell me that it's pointless to say it because you wont understand, you're just too stupid. He will tell me a lot of nasty stuff and put me down make me feel like an idiot.... It's never him and he always says if you don't change then we will have these fights forever, but when I asked what I need to change he says he wont get it.... I feel better now knowing that I'm not alone, because I been thinking it's only mine. I love him dearly and I'm always the first one to work things out and he will never say sorry even when things will be great between us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): You described my husband completely.Yesterday my husband surprised me with a card and today he is saying he made a mistake marrying me.I have often wondered if my husband has a psychological problem. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): OK so I read most of these stories and I'm definitely going through the same , I'm not married but we have been together for 18 yrs we have two kids together and I have an older son from previous relationship to make along story short I'm so fed up, everyday I go through verbal abuse he has become so angry within the last two years well he has been angry for years now but he really says a lot of mean things to me like I'm such a bitch, I'm such a" c" , I'm ungrateful, I'm a whore( but it sounds so much worst when its said in Spanish), but lately he has been threatening me with things like he is moving out. My kids hear a lot of the stuff he says and I'm beginning to think that its really affecting them in a lot of ways, he has cheated on me a few times for the most part I know of 3 different women because he has children with these women so I've been dealing with that too...., I beginning to think he has some type of a mental disorder because he can really love me one day but really hate me the next day his moods are off the charts and lately I've been real scared or feeling unsafe. I'm such a good person I never cheated on him, I take care of my kids and home, I don't go out and I don't have friends either, I'm so broken and our relationship is so damaged so if anyone is reading this please let me your opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): My husband was behaving the same way ...because he was cheating!I found out through the phone bill and called the person he was cheating with, the amount of calls and texts were beyond excessive. It was obvious and he was busted.Your husband doesn't sound bipolar, he sounds like he is living a double life. That's stressful. He is trying to keep two or more women happy. Eventually the other women want to be the only woman. She is probably getting on his case too. He's treating you like crap because he is not man enough to break up with you so he is trying to get you to dump him, or he doesn't know what he wants. Ignore all the yelling and screaming, it's just a scare tactic to get you to back down, or feel guilty. The more a man yells the more full of crap he is. They deflect their guilt onto us because they know they're wrong. It's sick and twisted.Men will not to admit anything until you have proof. When you get to the bottom of what is really going on, they change their tune. -And that is when progress can be made whether it means you divorce or stay together.I put my husband out of the house, and was going to divorce him. But he did and said all of the things I needed him to to show me he was honestly sorry. So were still together but broken. We learned that we were not taking care of each other, just the kids. We both felt neglected and taken for granted. She came along at low point, and he was ripe for the picking. We both know her. She is the office slut.(We all used to work together and I was their Supervisor!)Since I know the person he cheated with I know there not seeing one another anymore. She would more than happy to let me know if they were. I still look at the phone bill, and have spyware on his phone. I don't trust him anymore, but the longer he keeps his nose clean the more it is possible I will believe he meant what he said. I will never trust him the way I did before this happened. It's been almost 2 years since it happened. He has changed, we both have; and for the better. If I had not found out, we would have divorced with me scratching my head wondering why.Be smart, strong, and healthy. Do what is right for you and your family without compromising yourself. Do what you can live with.
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female
reader, milfNcookies +, writes (19 June 2012):
I know exactly how you feel my husband is 20x worse. But I though t it was weird because you seem alot like me and your husband sounds like my husband,( grown kid) qnd you posted this on his birthday!!! Crazy, right?"
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female
reader, heartbrokenagain1 +, writes (30 October 2011):
I have the same problem. I have been married for seven years and my husband goes through cycles where he hates me and wants a divorce everytime I mention his behavior. He claims I don't make him happy and I am not a good wife and not the woman for him. Than after a few months he comes back to reality and say we should be a family again and raise our children together. He has left our home on several occasions for months at a time. His behavior has caused problems with our children emotional state. He doesn't believe he has a problem and put everything on me. It's a stressful situation and I hate that I let this continue so long. I really do love my husband that's why its so hurt to get a divorce but I love my children. They deserve to have a normal life and so do I. I can't make my husband get help or take medication so I think it's best if we get a divorce so me and the children can have a choice of a normal life. I understand the pain that you are feeling it hurts so deeply. Hopefully someone will come in my life and love me and my children unconditional.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I, too, have been on this rollercoaster ride of a relationship for the last 7 years. Unfortunately what I have to share with you is probably not something you want to hear. It sounds like both of your significant others have the same issues as mine which are likely one of two things; Depression with Psychosis (or Psychotic features) or Bipolar Disorder. Do yourselves a favor and google these disorders, as you'll find MANY stories similar to your own (especially if you google something like "Bipolar Relationships" or "Being married to someone with Bipolar Disorder".) When I looked into it, I found endless pages of people with stories just like mine, which was both comforting and heart-breaking at the same time. Another possibility might be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but I'd say this would likely include more extreme symptoms than what both your significant others are currently displaying. People with any of these disorders I've mentioned frequently suffer from what is called "Black & White Thinking" (google that too, if you need more confirmation). Basically B&W Thinking is when someone loses the ability to see things objectively (EX-not being able to see that your wife has both good AND bad qualities). You're either all good (ie-when he tells you you're "perfect") or all bad (when he demands you "fix" yourself or he's divorcing you). It's infuriating, I know. I've been there. And it's almost nauseating when he finally comes back to reality and wants to be over-the-top sweet and caring to you again, as if you're just supposed to completely forget all the hurtful things he did or said. It's a maddening cycle and it breeds nothing but contempt. This is how it has usually gone for me; He is over-the-top kind so I let my guard down a little, then he hates me and says mean & horrible things to me, then his over-the-top kind self comes back and wants things to be 100% okay with zero explanation for his appalling behavior. I eventually got to the point where I couldn't pretend like it didn't hurt me to have him "hate" me, so I started being cold towards him, even when he was kind again, which would only send him back into hating me because he felt rejected. I'm telling you, ladies, it's no way to live and it WILL get worse, I promise you. The only possible solution is for him to WILLINGLY(not at your insistence) get therapy and probably start medication. However, neither of these things served to help my situation, which is why I'm in the process of leaving him. Just please try to remember this; Though you may feel genuine, true, deep love for him, he does not feel the same way about you (not even when he's having a "good" day). That kind of "love" is a facade because he's not loving the REAL you; He's only loving his ideal image of the "perfect" you. We are all both good and bad, and someone only really loves you when they accept both of those things. Its called unconditional love. Ask yourself; Do you really want to be in a marriage where the love is conditional? Is this the message you want to be sending your children about love? Can you stand the idea of your children being in a marriage like yours someday? If you can't, it's time to reevaluate. I wish you all the very best and here's my e-mail if you wish to talk further: [email address blocked]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): I know you were wanting an answer from a male but I read your post and thought it was me writing it. I have been married for 18 years and for the past 4 years my husband has been acting like yours and I just dont get it. One day he is so attentive and cant stop saying how much I mean to him and the next day he is quiet and moody. He actually did have an affair about a year ago and begged me to stay and that it was a relationship that went to far and he did not mean for it to...blah blah blah... Of course I was absolutley crushed but I said that if we could go to marriage counseling we can see if we can get past it (I should say, see if I could get past it). So everything was fine for about 4 months and he would say how sorry he was and I told him that he did not have to keep apologizing and I did not keep throwing the affair in his face. Then one day he said he did not want to go to counseling and that we could work it out ourselves. So I played along and though okay things were better so lets try it ourselves. Well, he got moody, cold and a bit nasty again. When I asked him what was wrong he said "nothing" and that I was reading too much into him (he acted like this when he was seeing the other "girl"). So I stepped back so that I was not pushing the issue thinking that in a few days he would be back to "normal". Well he was for a few days and then he was not...this went on for about 2 months. Our marriage counselor stated that my husband was actually suffering from depression and that could be the cause of his behavior (attitude). I have been just crushed by how he treats me and I actually have finally told him that he needs to leave and figure out what the problem is and how to fix it (that was the other issue, he could never say what the problem was but that there was one). I hope that someone posts something that will give you (and me) some words of advise as to what is going on. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I feel a little better knowing that I am not alone also.
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