A
female
age
36-40,
*orzynn520h
writes:I'm a businesswoman who normally has to travel, but during the pandemic I wasn't able to. It's good to be back on it again.And that's where my problem comes in.I'm currently in Connecticut but my husband and kids are in LA.I said to my husband I'd send him a WhatsApp or a DM via Instagram to check how things were.But Instagram had the smoking gun all wasn't as well as I thought it was going.There was a post on my husband's Instagram of him with this feminine-looking guy and this text next to it:"Kids staying over with me at good friends house for the week. Been friends with [GUYS NAME HERE] for 5 years! He's a HOOT! He's wearing a crop top from @adidas and Calvin Klein thong. Anniversary time of friendship! WOOT! #goodtimes #gaybros #owls #sephora"There was also a link to a TikTok video of the two of them dancing together to Staying Alive as well.I don't have any issue with him having friends who are gay, as long as his friends aren't serial killers or evil bastards, then I'm open-minded. What I do have an issue with is him just getting the kids to stay over with him and this friend.I thought he'd look after them in our house, not go and play house with a gay friend (who, to be honest, looks younger than the 28 year old guy he is, he could be mistaken for a 21-year-old girl, to be fair). I know this guy, but not that well, I only know him casually, not as well as my husband.I'm not back from my trip until next Thursday but feel like confronting him over this.It feels like a huge breach of trust, and it's making me angry too.I haven't confronted him (obviously) but at the same time I didn't expect this to happen.It's probably going to confuse my kids, who are 5 and 8 years old, and they won't understand why dad took them to stay with his friend for a week.My husband is still working from home for now, he's not back in the office until July.I'm concerned over this, it's worrying me and I don't know what to do next.He's never done anything like this before, it's out of character for him.What should I do next when I see him and return from the business trip (I'm self-employed and freelancer?)?
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2022):
 Another troll post.
Same for this
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/former-co-worker-could-be-a-problem.html
Troll, do better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2022): I meant to say:
"If some over-zealous neighbor or relative should report what they've seen online about your husband; it helps to [prove] that you were not complicit, and there are some things you don't condone in front of the children."
"If you can't discuss and resolve issues in your marriage; then you need professional-counseling to moderate/mediate, and advise you as a married-couple [with children.]"
P.S.
Don't panic, or lose-it, and go-off on your husband. Being pent-up and house-bound for too long will compel us to let-off some steam. We may get a little carried-away in front of a camera; but when you're a parent, you have to carefully restrain your impulses, and be mindful of the consequences of our actions and behavior. He is setting an example, and being a role-model for his children. There are things they're not old enough to mentally-process; and love should activate his paternal-instincts to be more cognizant of their well-being, than how much fun he's having.
Warning! Little-children grow-up to be teenagers. How you program them now, will also reflect in their behavior; when it's no longer so easy to tell them what they can or cannot do! You reap what you sow! They mimic what we do, and also misinterpret what's wrong to be right. They will not succumb to our hypocrisy once they hit a certain age; and will remind us of what we did, and what nerve we've got to be telling them what they shouldn't do!!! Their rebellion is usually our payback and reward for poor parenting. Teenage-rebellion happens to good-parents too; but it can't be thrown-back in their faces that they set a bad-example.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2022): I am somewhat skeptical of the authenticity of your post; because it is so similar to several others with practically the same theme and progression of events. I'm very observant, and I keep an acute-eye out for trolls and rascals. We don't discriminate, or censor free speech; but we do moderate questionable entries to this site.
I will humor you and answer it, if it's submitted for the benefit of entertainment for readers; or if there might be any situations that are similar to it, then perhaps my response might help someone. Do not be offended; if your post is a real experience that you wish to share, and to seek our advice. I must include a disclaimer; because we owe it to our readers that we take their posts seriously here on DC. Bad-players and trolls are not welcome here.
You say you frequently travel for business, and you're a married-couple; so you and your spouse must set some ground-rules for when either of you are away. Odd that you haven't up-to now. The mice shall behave when the cat's away!!! You're still married, no matter where you travel in the world! The marriage is not temporarily canceled while you're out of town. You shouldn't feel stressed about the kids, or how he's behaving when you're away.
Your marriage is sacred, an exclusive connection; which means you have to observe some indisputable boundaries. You can't choose your husband's friends; but you can be selective about who is around your children. To heck with political correctness; you can be tolerant and open-minded without being crass, stupid, or impetuous. Some things are G-rated, some PG, and then there is the R-rated. With minor-children involved; X-rated is not family-friendly, and requires no discussion in this situation. What you described is "restricted" for kids under 18. Cross-dressing and carrying-on is a bit much for a 5 year-old child to witness. Keep note and permanent record of these incidents for future reference. They make perfect evidence in child-custody battles. If some over-zealous neighbor or relative should report what they've seen online about your husband; it helps to show that you were not complicit, and you there are some things you don't condone in front of the children.
Cover your @$$!!! Employers check our social media activities in protection of their company's public-relations, integrity, and reputation in the business-world. Also for purposes of the egregious sort; if they have heavy political-ties to partisan-politics. It doesn't matter what party; they all use smear campaigns to undermine competitors or opponents. Most growing to large businesses have strong ties to politics, or fear liability. It makes them highly paranoid; and prone to spy on their employees, or their families. It's the sad truth about our times, and it's perfectly legal.
I know sometimes drag queens perform in-front of children; but at a certain age, kids almost associate them with clowns and cartoon figures. It's harmless, as long as it's kept within the tamed parameters of entertainment for children. In the case you've described, it's a man in female-clothing performing for a TikTok audience; and there should be some discretion in the presence of impressionable children. It has what can be considered as adult-content; visa vie representative of, or accentuated with, sexual-overtones or behavior not suitable for kids. Revealing or tight-fitted garments are worn for their sex-appeal; and that has no moral or ethical value for underaged-children. What you wear in front of your own children is at your own discretion; but what other people wear in front of them, is subject to your scrutiny and parental-right to protect your children. That's why parental-controls exist.
Put your foot down! Our society tends to be extreme on the one-hand; and hypocritically-selective on the other-hand, when it comes to children. Society often falls short in their protection; while allowing their gratuitous exposure to violence, sex, and racist behavior. In this case, you are a mother who is concerned about what your children are being exposed to. Not necessarily having a homophobic overreaction. You're legit! The kids are too young for what you've described. You have the right to set your own guidelines and rules; it doesn't have to concur with popular culture. If you can't trust your husband to be responsible when you're away, maybe they can be left with their grandparents; while he enjoys his me-time, antics, or playtime with his friends. As long as he keeps his activities within reasonable and trustworthy boundaries respectful of you, his family, and your marriage. He's a father and a husband; which comes with very serious responsibilities. He's behaving like a reckless-adolescent on social media. Somebody has to be the adult when you're away.
Being threatened with bad names or considered homophobic for addressing the situation, and how it could affect your children is inevitable. As a parent, you must set child-safety and their exposure to inappropriate material above reckless behavior on social media, and/or monitor their exposure to it.
It's no slight on trans or gay-culture; because trans or gay-parents also have their own rules and limitations as to what their kids are exposed to. Don't assume they don't! Parents are parents, and they place the emotional, psychological, and physical well-being of their children above all else. You must consider what is age-appropriate and not confusing for children. Sometimes the confusion is traumatizing or frightening. Children react to their trauma with night-terrors, or become shy and withdrawn. What should you do, wait and see what damage is done before you act?
Tell him you can't choose his friends; but you have a right as their mother to express your reservations or disapproval of what is presented in the presence of the children. Also express your feelings and concerns about his wild activities when you're out of town. He has to maintain your trust, not flaunt or taunt it recklessly. Ask him, how far is too far? If he isn't sure, he should check with you first; and you'll discuss it and work it out together. If he sees a problem in that, or if he won't even make a reasonable compromise; do whatever you have to do in the best interest of your children.
As an alternative, insist on family-counseling or marriage-counseling; if he's the type who dismisses your concerns, no matter how important they are. Let counseling be an ultimatum, not an idle-threat. If you can't discuss and resolve issues in your marriage; then you need professional-counseling to moderate and advise you as a married-couple. Otherwise, when matters progress to the degree you feel your children are being exposed to an unhealthy environment when you're not present; then you have legal recourse. That is the last resort, not to be used as a tool of retaliation or vindictiveness. It could surely backfire! There are a lot of mean-spirited and toxic-people out there looking for ideas to hurt others, or to circumvent their rights; and this is not the place to find them.
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