A
female
age
41-50,
*eedhelp1500
writes:My husband had sex with a stripper. he said it only happened once. he's been going to strip clubs, always getting lap dances from strippers. I am just so disgusted just thinking about him rubbing against other women. i still love him, can i ever forgive him? he is taking a polygraph test tomorrow. he promises he will never go to strip clubs again. can i trust him ever again? he said it was a mistake and it only happened once, the test will show tomorrow. i am so heart sick, i am scarred for life. will i ever be able to forgive him. i have cheated on him too, it didnt mean anything to me...i think me cheating on him can justify my forgiveness...or is over for us..am i crazy...do most men cheat? i think it is better to stay single than hurting this much
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female
reader, Rache007 +, writes (16 January 2011):
My husband went to work in Singapore for a year Jan. 2010.
I went with him. Came back to the states after a month to visit. Notice over the phone my husband was acting very different, enough reason to hire a private dectetive. I find out my husband of 3 years and had a great marriage was buing 3 sometimes 4 prostitutes a week. Drinking partying. He came home in April 2010. We have had a up and down marriage. He swore he would never do this again.
He has been to at least 3 strip clubs since this. We had a great marriage, got along. I am very pretty, have a great body personality, we always had great sex. I do not have sex with him now. We are in a love hate relationship. Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, Daveeeeeee  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 You answered your own question " You cheated on him too " ..Why would you be any better ? How does he know you wont do it again ?
Naturally , he should contril to attend lap dancing , Its good clean sensual , hot , sexy Fun ...
But he has done exactly as you have done , so if you want to be together ..Stay , if you dont ..Leave .
Guys always enjoy multiple partners , no matter what may have been said .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): if the polygraph test shows that this wasn't just a one off. Dump him
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A
female
reader, needhelp1500 +, writes (22 December 2008):
needhelp1500 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all good advise you've been giving me. My husband had the polygraph test this morning and it looks like according to the test that he only had sex with a stripper once and only intended to receive oral sex from her but she jumped on him, he said he stopped her moments later...still it doesnt make it right...I decided to forgive him only because i cheated on him too...and i think the way i cheated on him was a lot worse than what he did to me. what i learned from this experience is how painful it is to be betrayed and hurt like this..and the pain i felt i dont wish upon anybody...now knwing the pain i will never cheat again on my partner. I know it will take time for me to be able to be intimate with him again since the images of him wih another women haunt me...but i think we'll make it if we both are willing to commit to rebuilding our marriage and i think we are. i also learned from this experience that i really really love him. thanks againg for your help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): I feel sorry for you. I just posted a question on strip clubs, but fortunately, my guy hasn't ever had a lap dance and agrees that lap dances themselves are a form of cheating (what would be the difference between that and paying a hooker for a blow job?)
Still, you cheated on him too so you have to be careful judging him, and it would only be fair that you confess this to him too. You cannot go on holding the stripper thing over his head when you have a secret.
See if you forgive him. If he's willing to give up strip clubs altogether, that's a good sign, but he also might have a sex addiction. Counseling is probably necessary. If he does continue to go, start going to see some male strippers and see how he reacts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Okay let me see if I've got this straight... he cheated on you and it's life-shattering... but you cheated on him and it means nothing? That's a bit of a double standard. Does he know this?
You ask if you can trust him... I would ask you to consider this. He seems to have come forward honestly and confessed, with a willingness to do what it takes to repair his mistake and guilty over how he has hurt you. You on the other hand don't even seem to acknowledge that your own actions are just as damaging. This concerns me because if you can't be honest with yourself then all the polygraph tests in the world will not build trust.
If you love this man and want your marriage to work then perhaps you need to consider and acknowledge the gravity of your own actions. I think what's needed here is some serious soul searching, forgiveness, maturity and a lot of work with a marriage counsellor. Perhaps if you both can understand how incredibly painful and damaging infidelity is, you can come together with a renewed commitment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Just remember that there is a good reason lie detector tests are not admissable in most modern courts as evidence.They are wildly inaccurate and rely on pulse, perspiration and that sort of thing. And a good liar can fool them as easily as he can a human.That being said, I have no issues with the strip clubs themselves, there is nothing wrong with getting a lap dance on a mates 18th, 21st or Bachelor party, on on the occasional (once in a blue moon) outing with the friends.But to have sex with anyone other than your respective partner when both of you are not involved (threesomes and such) is just not on.One last chance. Give him that. If he cheats again, then it will be time to move on.Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (22 December 2008):
 You don't have to apologise / justify wanting to forgive. Its natural to want him back, the mammal in you wants to regain her territory. And he's YOUR husband... you don't need permission to forgive him, want him.And its also natural to be haunted by images of him with other women.Will his never doing it again be enough? Won't you get irrational if he so much as LOOKS at another woman? May I ask WHY you also cheated? Was it a trust thing? A drunken mistake? Or just one of those things you don't want to do.. but end up doing?I've never been married but I've been played and I know how UGLY it can get... and how UGLY you can get about it... You're about to go through an extreme period of hurt, brace yourself... it's only begun. If you stay with him- thats gonna ache because it really hurts to kiss the man you love and picture all of these women AAARG!!! If you leave him, well, the only way to ensure that someone can't cheat on you is to let them go- but this is a Marriage. And divorce brings with it the pain of failure and a whole lot of other bs. Whatever you choose - it is never okay to try to solve the problems Inside a marriage by looking for the solutions OUTSIDE of the marriage ... doesn't make sense. So you and your hubby can not under any circumstances hold each other responsible for your own actions... you're adults who made a decision and sex does not happen by mistake- It requires making a concious, plannned decision about being alone with another person, undresssing them and ... well...And whether or not the other person was meaningless to you or hubby is of little consequence when measured against how MEANINGFUL your marrriage is to each of you. And here in lies your problem. I don't think either of you have enough respect for the sacredness of marriage and sex. You see for most people sex is like having coffee. A physical act. You can do it with someone you love... but its got nothing more than physical reprocussions. I don't agree with this view on it... I believe it has both emotional and spiritual reprocussions... which I'm sure you can now see... now that you're face to face with those reprocussions (the extreme pain) you can't possibly ignore the fact that, at the very least, I may have a point. I believe that both marriage and sex are sacred, holy. and the one should not go without the other (or as the lame joke goes: "Sex and marriage, sex and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage").You might dismiss this as frekazoid religious fanatisism- but before you dismiss this, remember that it is the secular way of doing things that got you into this mess in the first place. And that statiscally, so-called "religious" marriages far outlast secular ones. There is a Christian organisation in the States called Focus on the Family, that I'd like to suggest you look up, that might help you with this situation. It's run by a psycologist (James Dobson)- you'd also get practical psycological advice.On a secular scale, Dr. Phil's website might help- there's an awful story about adultery there that might help you as well. Its got something to do with a husband who wanted to live in what he called "Poly - fidelity" I think you'll find some insights there, as well as empathy (from that wife's point of view)My advice is that you don't get divorced -because I sense you guys still want to be together and that's okay, you have nothing to be ashamed about for wanting your marriage to work. That's human. I do however think that you and hubby may need to separate for a period because time alone right now might become toxic. Snide remarks. Physical violence. Loving him passionately when he's there and despising the very ground he walks on when he's not. Fantasing about hurting him. Passionate sex that ends up in tears (did he touch her like that? did he look at her like that?) extreme feelings of inadequacy- (am I a bad wife is that why he did it?) overcompensating... feeling of extreme unattractiveness. The need to be touched validated... almost obsessive... AAAARG!!! hurting so much it becomes physical...Thats why I think you need time apart. So that you no longer ask "will I ever trust him/her?" but rather "will I be okay if I don't?" His/her actions don't define me...I really hope you can work it out....
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