A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 22 years my husband had an emotional affair with my friend and i have a feeling it was sexual but they both denie this how can i stop feeling like i do I feel like he destroyed what we had and i thought it was something special, its been a year since I found out i feel like i'am not good enough any more, I feel very un attractive, i feel like i'am not good enough for anything any more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Just wanted to know how you are feeling. You were given very good advice by the others. Are you still in contact with your friend. Maybe that is why those feelings of inadequacy remains. What about your hubby? Is he in contact with this woman. Is hubby remorseful, does he regret this emotional affair. How has he been behaving around you. Does he make you feel special?They say time times wounds, It's going to take you a long to forget or even forgive. Hubby ( and your friend)betrayed your trust but at least you both are together. It seems as though you still love him a lot but your pain is whether it was a sexual relationship or not. Not being able to get the truth 9 not their perceived truth) is hurting you. You need to talk about your feeling to your hubby. Maybe even some counselling to help you heal. It's a painful time but also maybe you should try to find out what made him bond with this friend. If you are going to survive and succeed in this marriage you need to perhaps make peace with the fact that it is over, that now you both can work at your marriage to make it more solid, and that both you and him can become confiding friens and be there emotionally for eacg other. You can do this...don't let this eat at you and destroy you. Please also try to talk to others that are going through the same thing. Your friend betrayed you, you have a right to be angry- angry at both of them. But you are also "wasting" your positive energy on this. You have put up with so much, and you are doubting yourself. If that friend is in your lives still please, please get rid of her. You have grieved for your husband and your marriage for a year now, slowly please start healing.Please remember you are BEAUTIFUL, You are WORTHY, to be loved and to love, you are SPECIAL, You DESERVE YOUR HAPPINESS, Do not let anyone snatch it away from you. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF again. Slow but sure, you will win the race.
A
female
reader, goldyloxx  +, writes (26 February 2009):
 hi i just read your note... i really feel for you ... i havent had the experience of a 22 years relationship but understand betrayal and affairs... I was just reading something from louise hay book on relationships... i hope this helps you. Its about the end of a relationship but i guess as well its about finding out about who you are and how to start loving yourself........ here it is An affair is often a very painful time. We go into the "Im not good enough" routine and punish ourselves. We think that because the other person no longer wants to be with us, there must be something wrong with us, and we often fall into deep despair. It is not true that there is something wrong with us, though all relationships are learning experiences. We come together and learn what we can together, then comes a time to part. This is normal and natural.Dont cling to an outworn relationship just to avoid the pain of parting. Dont put up with physical or emotional abuse just to be with someone. You will never have a fullfilling life if you cling to old experiences. When we allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect, we are saying "I am not worth loving so i have to stay here and accept this behaviour. I cant bear to be alone (with just myself), and i know that I'll never find another relationship. These negative affirmations pull youdown. Instead, listen to the signals.Life is giving you a chance for a new experience. This can be a time for deep gratitude, of acknowledging the good times you had together and appreciating all the learning experiences. Then, you can release that relationship with love and get on with the next step in your life. This is a time for loving yourself with tenderness and understanding. This is not the end of your world, it is the beginning of a new phase. With love for yourself this new time of your life can be far more wonderful than what you are just leaving......
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A
female
reader, goldyloxx +, writes (26 February 2009):
hi i just read your note... i really feel for you ... i havent had the experience of a 22 years relationship but understand betrayal and affairs... I was just reading something from louise hay book on relationships... i hope this helps you. Its about the end of a relationship but i guess as well its about finding out about who you are and how to start loving yourself........ here it is An affair is often a very painful time. We go into the "Im not good enough" routine and punish ourselves. We think that because the other person no longer wants to be with us, there must be something wrong with us, and we often fall into deep despair. It is not true that there is something wrong with us, though all relationships are learning experiences. We come together and learn what we can together, then comes a time to part. This is normal and natural.Dont cling to an outworn relationship just to avoid the pain of parting. Dont put up with physical or emotional abuse just to be with someone. You will never have a fullfilling life if you cling to old experiences. When we allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect, we are saying "I am not worth loving so i have to stay here and accept this behaviour. I cant bear to be alone (with just myself), and i know that I'll never find another relationship. These negative affirmations pull youdown. Instead, listen to the signals.Life is giving you a chance for a new experience. This can be a time for deep gratitude, of acknowledging the good times you had together and appreciating all the learning experiences. Then, you can release that relationship with love and get on with the next step in your life. This is a time for loving yourself with tenderness and understanding. This is not the end of your world, it is the beginning of a new phase. With love for yourself this new time of your life can be far more wonderful than what you are just leaving......
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I don't understand why a lot of women stay when these kind of thing happens. Is it the security? Would you have left knowing that you would be able to look after yourself?
He cheated on you with your 'friend', which is an unnecessary pain of betrayal on top of already being cheated on.
But I'll respect your choice. The problem you have now is the pain of not knowing. When we don't know things for certain our minds are open to the limitless posssibilities ie. the worst case scenario.
I think it's extremely necessary for you to get things 'certain' no matter how bad they are. You need to find out everything and your husband owes this to you. You need to sit down and have a very 'serious' talk with him and get all your questions answered and the details you want to know. At least then it'll ease your mind from running amok and you'll have something solid to get over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Really, really sorry that you have had to go through this. I am in almost the same boat in that my hubby of 15 years emotionally cheated on me just over a year ago and I suspect there may be more to the story than what I know. So, I know just how bad this situation sucks and that I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
We did the marriage counselling thing and unfortunately I don't think our counsellor was that great i.e. she never did any work on the problem of moving forward and letting go/regaining trust, which in retrospect, is really disappointing.
However, we are still together and - on the surface - things are generally fine, if not better. The big caveat I have is that this whole thing regularly crosses my mind and the deceipt experienced can, when i feel low, shake me into thinking what we have currently may also be a big facade, as I had no idea about his lying for a couple of months last year. This can manefest into a big emotional outburst from me about every 4 weeks or so (funny just seeing that written down makes me wonder if hormones are affecting this too, hmmm) - anyway this is about you....
Your husband made a choice - albeit a lousy one - to act the way he did. I would hope that you have talked enough about both of your behaviours and the state of your relationship at the time to understand the factors that made him choose to betray you and the marriage, and if possible safe guard this going forward. Your marriage was great enough for 22 years and hopefully it can be great for at least another 22 if you both want it to. Try and take some comfort that you both have chosen to stay with each other and weather this storm. This takes strength of character and it would be so easy to end it as at least you'd have certaintly you wouldn't be betrayed again by him.
In the same way that your hubby made crappy choices with this woman, you are now not making the right choices in seeing yourself as unattractive, good for nothing and worthless. It may be that you are in a depression and a chat with your doctor could help. If you are not depressed, your self esteem has certainly taken a battering (I felt that way too for quite some time) and it is time for you to work on that. Just posting your problem shows that you have had enough of feeling like a victim and want to feel good about yourself again. There are lots of books that can help with some techniques to boost esteem and articles on the internet.
Things I have done that have helped is that I have read a few books about relationships (The Marriage Benefit/Staying Together/After the Affair) which has helped me see how my behaviour may have played a part (and this is said without accepting blame for the betrayal, my husband had complete responsibility to make me aware of things that were bothering him and he choose not to, as this helped him to justify his need to chat to his 'just good friend'). It has also given me the oppotunity to learn about forgiveness and letting go. This is still a work is progress but I can see that I am getting better as time goes on and I would hope to be over it within the next 12 months.
Other things I have done are to look after myself a little more - enjoy having my hair done, meet girlfiends for a coffe and chat more regularly, making sure we have more regular family days out. If you are not being kind to yourself, start doing so starting today! In some ways, you create what you believe - if you believe you are worthless and unattractive, you would stop looking after yourself and project this negative energy to the rest of the world. If you believe that you are attractive and deserve a place on this planet (or at least fake it until you make it - cliche I know but there's some truth in it), you will do things for yourself that convey this positive belief.
Very best of luck re-discovering the happy, postive, trusting, attractive woman that you always were. She is desperate to return so allow her to work her magic. (((Huge hugs)))
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): A year is a long time to try and forgive - its not long in trying to forget. It will still be in your head, no matter what your heart has decided... try and stop thinking about it, (and if you know how please tell me - you will be the worlds first person to do this). think of positive things and give them a score of 1-10 with 10 being the best part of your relationship ever. Then rate what happened with the husband on the same scale - with 10 being I caught him in bed shagging with 30 other gorgeous models, your sisters and your mother and the dog. So i would rate what happend as say a 4? so each time you think about it - trump it with a higher card of a better time.
Now your self worth...you found out a year ago and you have carried this, eating away in inside of you and its grown. hitting you in your ego, no wonder you feel down.
There isn't a lot for me to go on here, but i would say up until now you had done nothing except let this thing eat away inside of you. Now you have acknowledged you have a problem and asked for help, if nothing else that's a brave step. so you have courage in your armoury. After 22 years, you also have stamina - they are two strong emotional tools, that you have.
If you can give more details on when you feel like this or what makes it worse then we can use then to repair and make you feel brighter. Its not much to say, but important for you to know that everybody feels unattractive and not good enough sometime its not wrong.
Big Hug, Star.x.
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