A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband 21 years and married for 18 years. We do not have children. His mother has never been very kind to me although my husband cannot see it. He is extremely close with his family and won’t accept his mother could ever do anything wrong. As with most of her interference (hubby tells her everything) I have just let it go and said nothing to keep the peace. He often visits her multiple times each week. I don’t mind so long as I don’t have to go with him.This may seem small, but it is really isn’t small for me. She insists on signing cards with “Mom”. I honestly don’t mind when they are joint cards to me and my husband but she also signs my personal cards this way (eg: birthday cards, personal gifts etc). It really upsets and hurts me. I have my own parents and it feels like she is trying to replace them. More so now they have both passed away. I feel she is trying to take over, like she often does. She won’t consider someone could have an opinion that differs from hers. This is the woman who shoots me nasty looks, blames me for us being childless (not my fault) and often calls me names in front of my husband, who insists she is just playing around. Had she asked in the beginning of our relationship if she could refer to herself as my mom, I would have respectfully declined. My husband does not think she needed to ask. I do.I have mentioned it to my husband from the first time it happened and while he doesn’t understand why it makes me feel so uncomfortable he has promised every time that he will speak with her and ask her to stop. He never has. I have even told him I would be ok with not receiving any future personal cards or gifts from her if she insists on calling herself my Mom.It’s becoming a big problem as time goes on. Not just that she is still doing it with her nasty remarks towards me going unnoticed by my husband, but also that he promises to speak with her about it and never does. It has caused arguments between us recently. Any advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2024): Some counselling could benefit your relationship, whether you go as a couple or alone it would help you decide if you can continue the relationship with the feelings you have. He can't stand up to his mother, whether that's because she holds some control or that he doesn't see your issue as important and I can see how both reasons would be upsetting. You must get frustrated at feeling unheard.
With her referring to herself as Mom, perhaps just a generational thing? My mother in law calls herself Mum, and I still have my own Mum but it's very much from a place that once married she sees me as one of her own. This is something to truly just rise above. Don't let the annoyance spoil your life because it isn't spoiling hers.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 January 2024):
 Urgh, I'm sorry you are dealing with a Monster-in Law.
Firstly, accept that you CAN NOT change how she acts (neither can your husband).
She signs the cards with Mom, because she KNOWS it annoys you. And because she knows you DO not see her a "mom" but SHE wants that title no matter what you think, feel, do, or say.
So, my advice to this is just say thank for the card and DISCARD it. You don't have to keep it or display it. Now I wouldn't toss it right in front of her, but I would toss it asap. Don't make this a big deal. Just toss the cards. And forget about it.
YOU know you have a mom and that SHE is your "MIL" - so while I get your annoyance - it's not uncommon to call a MIL - mom/mother. You have just chosen this hill to "die on" and that is your choice - however, if you stop making a big deal out of this you will spare yourself the annoyance.
I have only met my MIL a year ago (been married 25 years together for nearly 28) - I call her by her FIRST name only. She is fine with that.
Whenever she starts calling you name (as a joke -which it isn't, she just knows she can insult you in front of her son/your husband) - walk away. If your husband says anything tell him that if she doesn't stop you will NOT be anywhere near her. If he invites her over, you will go elsewhere until she is gone. You will also NOT visit HER again. IT IS NOT funny to call someone names, if the recipient isn't laughing.
Or (drastic measure that is kind of petty) call her a COW when she calls you names. If she gets upset, tell her you were just joking like she was.
I would also tell your husband that it's a shame he is such a wimp that he can't even tell his mom to not call you names. And leave it at that. It will EAT at him.
Remember, you CAN NOT control other people, ONLY how YOUR react! So let it roll of your back like you just don't care but don't REWARD her with your company if she is being a COW.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2024): That ship has sailed.
You let your husband downplay the problem.
You weren't firm enough and you haven't set your boundaries with him or your MIL.
Now it is going to be more difficult, because people will say that something must be wrong and that you have changed.
They will also try to make you fill so uncomfortable so that you will probably let the whole thing go.
The "Mum" thing is something I know very well. My MIL has been doing that for decades. However, I never EVER let her know that this is OK and I never EVER call her that way. She's been lonely all of her life and has a need to be important to someone. I let it slide, because otherwise we have a good relationship.
And we have such a good relationship because I have set boundaries. I have always let her know when her behavior was unacceptable no matter how old she was. I met her when she turned 60 and she's 84 now.
This brings me to another problem. The problem you have with your husband. You should have made it clear that what you say goes when your needs are concerned, which means that if he comes home saying that he hasn't spoken to her, you say ok, now I'm not going to speak with you until you set thing straight. This is too much, of course, but I wanted to give you an idea. Why would he do something that he's not comfortable with, when there are 0 consequences with you. You have to MAKE him take you seriously, the way he takes his mother.
So, bite the bullet and do something or just suck it up and wait till she dies. Just know, that your husband is probably doing the same thing on some other fronts if you haven't set your boundaries.
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