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Husband doesnt pay me enough attention, What should I do??

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 May 2006) 8 Answers - (Newest, 24 September 2009)
A female , *esani writes:

I'm 22 and my husband is 23. We've been married since Jan. 2005 and have dated a couple of years before getting married. while i was finishing university, i would travel back and forth between canada and croatia (where he was permanently) and then i sponsored him once we got married and we've been in canada since November 2005. our sex life has deteriorated just before we came to canada, and we started having communication problems last summer. in the last 10 months, we’ve been having sex only a couple of times a month, as opposed to having it every day, more times a day prior to marriage. i am a very intelligent and attractive person, and i find that a lot of guys are attracted to me and approach me, even when i am with my husband. he used to get jealous, and sometimes still does, but now doesn’t seem to be bothered by it much. i do not know why my husband will not initiate sex? i have spoken to him numerous times about this, stating that i am the one who always initiates it and since I’ve stopped initiating, the sex stopped. just tonight, we're lying in bed and he's kissing my stomach and caressing me, and then he stops and slowly drifts asleep (every time it ends up with him sleeping). i am so frustrated with him and have told him that he needs to do something about this because our relationship is falling apart. we argue about his obsession with the internet because i believe he spends too much time on forums and looking at cars (ignoring me). i feel as if i am not getting any attention from him and we don't do anything together anymore except take occasional trips to the store/mall. a month ago i said that i have had it and that i believe that we made a mistake and that he should leave. he got so scared and told me that he will prove to me how much he loves me and he will cut down on the internet. he said he doesnt know what he would do without me, but i dont think that it's fully getting into his head. we talk, yet nothing has changed. we're going back to croatia in july for a month and a half. if things dont start changing by then, i am thinking about telling him not to come back to canada with me. i am very scared of this because i still love him, but i am losing interest because he is not paying attention to me or showing his love. I do so many things for him, yet I feel as if he’s not putting any effort into our relationship. During the day and even before I go to sleep, I find myself thinking about other guys, past boyfriends, and if I made a mistake. I feel unloved and unwanted and go to sleep teary eyed and sad every night.

View related questions: jealous, kissing, sex life, the internet, university, unloved

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009):

its been so long since your prob arouse... just hope youve come to such solution now. Im at the same boat now. I hope you have now your solutions and can help solve mine.

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A female reader, desani +, writes (12 December 2007):

desani is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Your email is blocked!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007):

sorry, i know how you feel ,im 21 my husband is 23 ,i meet him when i was 16 we got married in 2004, when i turned 18 we have a little girl (5 yrs old) i love him so very much and he says he loves me but i cant keep from feeling that maybe we should not be together any more. he never has time for me we never make love and when we do it just in out in out he cums and then he rolls over to sleep, like u i cry myself to sleep every night. sad i know i feel that maybe he has lost interest in me, i ask him why? (but all i get is a smile and a i love you why do u always think bad)god i dont know maybe its just me. i love him so much, what am i to do? well hun im sorry u go through it to may god bless your love and let it grow for each other sorry this is such a mess but im in the dark, hes a sleep you can email me at [e-mail blocked] good luck

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A female reader, desani +, writes (12 October 2006):

desani is verified as being by the original poster of the question

If the last person who wrote here on Oct 5th sees this, please reply again, I would like to get in touch with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006):

I deal with the same thing as you- but I am sure much worse. I am trapped in this self made prison.

If you do not have children LEAVE

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (5 May 2006):

Yos agony auntPoor girl :( You have it tough.

First ask yourself if you really love this man, and if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him. You are very young to be married, at your age its hard to tell how people will grow and its easy to get into a bad marriage (I know, I got married at 23 and divorced at 27...). If you find that you no longer love him, then you should get divorced.

But if you do love him, then I suggest therapy / councelling together. It sounds like he has shut you out a bit, so you're probably not going to be able to fix the situation by talking to him alone. A therapist can play the neutral third party that will put the facts of your relationship and behaviour on the table clearly in front of you, plus give you advice on how to improve the sitation. It may turn out that the problem is simpler than you think, your husband could be depressed or suffering from dislocation (feeling very alone in a foreign country), or have other worries that are pushing him to use the internet for distraction. If that's the case, a therapist could help him.

I hope this works out for you. It's a very tough situation to be in, I'm not surprised you go to sleep sad every night. You deserve much better.

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A female reader, desani +, writes (4 May 2006):

desani is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've asked him why he is ignoring me, but he denies it. He spends hours on the internet and when I ask him something, he doesn't even answer me and later says that I never asked him anything. I can also be in the same room as him when he is on the computer, and he will not even notice that I'm there! He thinks that we sepnd a lot of time together just because we're in the same house, although we never do things together. He also says that he is not a romantic person and doesnt know how to give me more attention. I tell him it's the little things, just ask me to go for a walk, let's go out for drinks like we used to in europe, watch a movie, anything....

i doubt that he will want to go to counselling.. :(

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A female reader, Angel ron +, writes (4 May 2006):

Angel ron agony auntSounds to me that you and your husband you are quite clealry not happy need to have a serious chat about your relationship. Have you asked him why he doesn't pay you eneough attention and why he is ignoring you?

may I just family conseilling or relate as the first step.

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