A
female
age
41-50,
*earching4help09
writes:My husband cheated on me and he is staying in our marriage because of the kids only and he thinks maybe later his feelings for me will come back. He said his affair is over but they still communicate but says they dont cross the line anymore. Weve been married or 12 years already and have 2 kids. I just feel so miserable and unhappy he said he loves me but not same as before. At times he just wants to be back to her or just be single again. Im just confused why i cant let go and why i am still kn this marriage. People thinks we are okay i am so lost help me. The OW is very close to me.help pls
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (4 August 2010):
 You are not in love with him. You are in love with the illusion he made himself to be.
And just because he acted like something for so long, it doesn't mean he cares to be that at all.
For example. I HATE men who hit women.
However, whenever I have sex with a woman that I get along with in the bedroom the best, I am being physically aggressive.
I spank, whip, choke, bite, etc.
His game is just like my game. It is a game.
He is pretending to be someone so he can get with you, and his true personality is coming out.
I am pretending to be someone too, whenever I am being extremely aggressive in bed.
One act is to be fulfill a fantasy in a consensual pre-discussed environment, and the other is a lie that is done to keep you stuck in the relationship.
I have a chokehold on a woman in the physical, tangible sense in the bed.
He has a chokehold on you in the mental, I am totally confused and manipulated sense.
Any further exposure to any other advice will simply be enabling you to stay.
You know what you have to do.
You either make the decision and act on it or you don't.
You either get a divorce or you don't.
A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (2 August 2010):
Searching4help09 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ihatewomanbeaters--- thank for your advise i am working on it its hard to let go someone you loved so much with 2 kids but i am really thinking and i dnt knw for how long i can be miserable like this knowing he is with me but does not love me same as before. Thanks for ur time... Believe me its hard
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A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (2 August 2010):
Searching4help09 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ zayla80 typo error its my husband who cant stop emailing the OW. I was able to talk to the OW because she is related to me and thanks for replying again and i know its upto me only can make that decision. Trying to get myself ready and making myself so strong also for the kids. Again i wanna thank you for your time.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (2 August 2010):
Do people simply not obey the rules of logic and reason here?
You were given advice that is worth more than 150 dollars an hour.
LEAVE.
Let me say it again.
LEAVE
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): First off, STOP EMAILING AND CONTACTING THE OTHER WOMAN. You are coming off as being a stalker. Only deal with your husband on this situation.
Moreover, you are not going to be able to let go of your husband quickly because, you love him and you are attached to him after being together for all these years. I am certain his dis-attachment towards you didn't happen overnight, so your dis-attachment to him will not happen overnight either. If you really want to leave him, it's up to you to figure out how you are going to detach yourself from him. Maybe thinking about how badly he treated is one way, dating another guy who isn't serious about a relationship but rather companionship (you don't need another relationship right now either, but if seeing another guy will help, just make sure he isn't serious about jumping into another relationship that way no one gets hurt). Taking up some activities that you enjoy, praying, talking to friends, support groups, therapy, reading self help books...the whole nine yards. It's up to YOU to get over your husband and although it's alot of work, if it must be done, it just be done.
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A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (1 August 2010):
Searching4help09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are just here to co exist for the kids and give it some time coz he is healing but cant stop emailing the OW. Im just so messed up and confused dont wanna be treated like a doormat but i cant let go of him???? WhAt do i do?
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A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (1 August 2010):
Searching4help09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your response and it really helps me good to knw and hear from people you dont knw but gives good input. Now i am thinking should i stay or should i go coz last friday we had a talk we almost sepatated but when we were talking how to break the news to the kids we decided to try one more. But again he cannot guarantee his feelings to me will return we re here to co exist
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (31 July 2010):
Ok...
you are staying for the kids?
Which is worse.
1. A mother that is too much of an emotional wreck to take care of her kids?
2. A mother and father that divorce and are happy with other people?
The core of a child's happiness is not the status of their parents' marriage, but rather the status of their parents mental and physical well being.
It is your duty as a mother to your children to get out of this toxic marriage so your children do not feel the adverse effects.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): To Searching4help09,
One of the most hardest things to understand in this world is human emotions. You can't really control them per say; emotions, feelings and things of that sort, come and go, sometimes without our without cause.
If your husband says he "loves you" he could mean it, in addition, he could also have a "thing" for this other woman, whether it be sexual, emotional or something else...who knows. If you choose to stay and work things out, that is your choice and you have a right to do just that. In addition, just make sure you set some ground rules...tell him what you will or will not accept. Believe me, I know how hard it is to let go of someone you have grown to love. It seems like one part of you wants to leave, but the other part wants to stay and make it "work." I found that when I was going through such a emotional crisis, pray, keeping myself busy with things I enjoy doing and meditating really helped. With my last relationship though...it was HORRIBLE. I had to go through therapy, I started to lose my hair, lose weight, I would cry for an entire hour in the bathroom on my lunch break...it was just so hurtful; I had never, ever felt such an emotional pain like that before EVER in my entire life, so it caught me off guard. I have been hurt since that time, but nowhere near like I was with that pervious exp.
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A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Searching4help09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks model101 for responding again i just feel i am running out of people i can talk to, lately cant sleep anymore and cant eat my work us being affected. I knw this not the set up and marriage i like but i am stuck in this relationship. I dont knw if staying married just for the kids is helpful at all.
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A
male
reader, model101_t800 +, writes (30 July 2010):
 Talking to someone close or someone who is an elder will help you. Dont ride the wave alone. Take someone in confidence. Someone who is qualified..not a close friend because close friends will generally give one-sided advice.
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A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Searching4help09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your response. I am totally lost and confused. Feels sad to be treated like a doormat. I love him so much and inspite his infidelity i still accepted him but i feel like he is not remorseful on what he did, he cant let go of her yet i am still here fighting for my family. Its so hard to decide when is enough is enough or when do u let go?
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A
male
reader, model101_t800 +, writes (30 July 2010):
I am sorry about your situation. Perhaps a counselling will help you both. You may want to start with just for yourself to get help in preserving (growing) your self-esteem and strength. It will also help you discover what sparked your relationship 12 years ago and what as changed since then. It will help you uncover the true reason for his cheating and you may be able to fix it. Sometimes we take our partner for granted after a while in marriage and this leads to one thing to another where we keep hurting them without realizing what we are doing. Only when something major happens and opens our eyes we find ourselves surprised at what has happened.
If your husband said that he loves you then hold on to that statement. I am sure things will turn around for better for you. Do seek guidance from a marriage counseller. If he does not agree to it then just go alone. You will certainly feel better.
I pray that your situation resolves well soon and you and your husband can live happily together forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): I wouldn't wait around for his "feelings" to return...that is just me. Of course I am not in your shoes...you have kids and all and you probably love this guy with all your heart. You have to make that choice--12 years is a long time to be with someone and if you love that person it is going to be hard as hell to leave. Maybe your husband is staying for the kids sake, but probably more so that he doesnt want to be alone just in case it doesn't work out with this other woman.
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