A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was so glad to see all the Answers replying to weight-related questions because I have been upset many times by my partner telling me I am 'fat'. I was bigger than I am now when I met him 3 yrs ago) and have lost a couple of stone in the last 2 yrs. I look younger than I am and have a good face and skin etc and I don't look all that big ( am a size 14 now) but I am still overweight on my stomach and upper arms. I was slim as a child and was slim after I had my first child then put on weight after y 2nd child. The guy I'm referring to above is not the father of my children (they are now grown up). I am 48 yrs old but look a bit younger and I don't consider myself to be overall that unattractive but I accept i need to lose weight. However what i can't get is that when he met me I was bigger than this and have lost weight but it's not enough for him and he makes comments about it weekly. I have stuck with him through all sorts of his own stress over the last 3 yrs and forgiven him for being rude to me (shouting swearing name calling etc) yet he talks constantly about my weight and threatens to leave me. This makes me more depressed and i find it harder to diet. I do have a gym membership but have stopped going lately. He blames me for his abusive behaviour because he says he is not happy due to my weight and this makes him resentful and angry. We had a very close bond and I felt like he was my stability but now I am feeling more and more upset.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Hi it's me again the original person who posted the question. Thank you SO MUCH for all your supportive answers. One of the things that really gets me as well (I'm sorry but i just have to get this off my chest) is that he is nearly 10 years older than me and no oil painting himself. Ok he is not 'fat' as such but he does need to lose some weight and whilst I am not Angelia Jolie (smile) people generally regard me as the more attractive half of our couple and yet i have to REGULARLY listen to these comments. I'm not perfect but I'm not some hideous creature either but the way he talks if you hadn't met me you would expect to see someone so fat they can barely breathe or walk come staggering into the room carrying 3 bags of doughnuts. I do work out, swim, walk, eat healthily but sometimes i just eat too much rice and pasta and I do like cheese etc and sometimes have chocolate when i shouldn't. I have been nicer to him than anyone else ever has been in his whole life - could this be part of the problem? ie that i've been too nice to him and now his ego has gone marching out of control? This has caused me so much angst and upset. It's really hard to extricate myself from him because on the one hand there is this loving bond and history etc and then on the other hand there is this 'shadow' that he seems to have - it would be easier if he was a complete a-hole all round with no redeeming features! But the stress has really got to me and made me quite ill and since i posted my first message he has walked out on me after picking an argument and said he is not coming back (he still has his own place). He was really rude before he left and he has not apologise I don't want us to part (if that is what is really going to happen) in this 'bad feelings' way and normally in the past i would have contacted him to make some conciliatory gestures but i can't get past the fact this time about hoe RUDE he was and i think he should apologise for that before i speak to him. I really don't know what to do. Should I just leave it for a few days and if I do want to speak to him to clear the air (not to get back together) or to suggest a 'break' or agree what we are actually going to do (when we are both calm) how do I approach it without him thinking i am 'crawling back' to him etc etc .. Any suggestions gratefully received. Would be interested to hear what 'chocolatepots' thinks as well if you have a miinute. Arrrghh
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Waterloo Sunset,
I really like your post.I cannot help laughing at the way you expressed it. You are one hell of a women !What a strong language !LOL!
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A
female
reader, chocolatetpots +, writes (10 February 2008):
Hi, this is bang out of order, its not your weight that bothers him, he is deliberately trying to undermine you, and your security, which gives him far more control over you.!By making you feel insecure, unattractive, and depressed means you will rely on him more, satisfying his needs!Turn this around by rewarding yourself for the weight you have lost, the looks and healthiness you have, and the fact that you look good, and do not under any circumstances let him put you down any more, he is having a laugh at your expense, put him in his place.Good luck, Angie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): If he threatens to leave you because of your weight then he's not worth your time anyway. I may be young but I know that a relationship is based way more than on looks. Stress is very unhealthy and you don't have to take his rude comments. I agree with everyone that said to stand up to him. Don't let him run over you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): He threatens to leave you, then tell him to BUGGAR OFF!!!!!!!!! Why are you putting up with this treatment, he cannot love you or he would accept you for the way that you are. Congratulations on loosing 2st. Stop putting yourself down and scrap that bloody membership to the gym, do it for yourself and not for another person. Build up your self esteem and confidence and only do stuff that you want to do. Please have some respect for yourself and get this pig out of your life.
take carexx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): My opinion is that even if you lose weight he won't be happy. He will just move on to something else that's wrong. He is unhappy with himself and takes it out on you to make him feel better. This is emotional abuse and you should not stand for it. I don't care if you weigh 500 lbs you deserve to be treated with respect and love and understanding. Someone who is supposed to love you will encourage, compliment, and support you in your efforts. I was over weight after my 2 kids also. It took me a total of 10 yrs to be the size I was happy with. During that whole time my husband told me I was beautiful no matter what, because you are more than what you weigh. You are your heart, soul,and body. Please don't let him continue to treat you this way. I agree with the male reader who said go back to the gym and continue to get healthy. FOR YOU AND YOUR FUTURE, NOT FOR HIM!!! If it makes him happy and your happy great. If he continues to pick, Let him go, and find a man who respects you. Life is to short to spend it on someone who doesn't see how wonderful you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I just wanted to say thanks to Richard and Laura for their supportive answers to my problem. I tried to send a message via email but couldn't do so due to a technical problem so i'm replying this way instead (i am the person who posted the question this morning re my partner being verbally abusive and saying that he behaves this way because my not losing enough weight really winds him up etc so he blames me all round etc etc)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 February 2008):
If a man loves you , he will accept who and what you are..When there is no love, whatever you do will come to naught. You have already gone down in weight but he has increased his pressure on you.
The issue here is not your body but his abusive ways. No man worth his salt would make their wives depressed and unhappy.They should treasure their wives and appreciate them.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (9 February 2008):
 I thought about this answer hard before posting it.
Here's what I say: Go back to gym and lose weight. You win all round if you do. Think about it. You lose weight, he shuts up. If he doesn't, then you've called his bluff, his problems now stand out sharply. If he still wants to split up, you're more confident for future new dating. If you are going to split, your confidence will stop you becoming depressed. Oh, by the way, you will also be and feel much healthier.
Richard
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 February 2008):
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you . You don't have to take his BS. Stand up to him and if he continues, leave him for a period of time and he will know how to appreciate you .
Don't play his blame game.
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