A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I became very resentfull toward my husband. The main reason is that he complains to people about me. He doesn't complain to everyone but certain people. Like this couple that we don't see very much often, may be every couple months. Usually we see them for anniversaries or birthday parties. For the past 2 years he acts so horrible toward me around them that twice I just left the party. It's not that he is very obvious, he doesn't yell at me in front of them or pushes me around, no, but his whole body language, his little phrases here and there, make everyone very uncomfortable. For example: I am asking him to make me a drink. He needs To go in a kitchen and mix it. He does them very good. He doesn't answer, once, twice, three times. This way he makes me repeat it several times. For 20 minutes with intervals I ask him to make me a drink. It's not a big deal, we are talking and laughing. It's not like I repeat it like a broken record. Finally, he gets up so fast that his chair fells down, he slams the door, makes extra noice on a kitchen, brings me a drink and says, happy now?Then he drops phrases that put him in front of others as overworked poor guy, who's wife treats him terribly. We run a business together. I come to work 3-4 times a week, and our house is totally my responsibility, cleaning, cooking and washing. He told the same friends few days ago just very innocent that I come to work once every couple weeks. I asked him Why he did it, it not true first of all, and second who asked him? No-one cares how many times I come to work, why even to say it, just to portray me as a lazy doing nothing person? The only thing about our house I ask him to do is to wash floors on a first floor once a month. He tries to get out of it as much as he can. Of course he doesn't want to do it, but I think this one thing he needs to do. It usually takes him only one hour. During Saturday dinner at another couple's house who he likes to complain to, he said around 9 pm, oh, well, we need to leave because I need to wash the floor downstairs. At first no one including me could understand what he is saying, and then our friend asked him, Now? You have to wash floors now. Yes, with a sigh my husband said, that's my chore. And at that moment everyone looked at me. I had to explain to everyone that of course he doesn't have to do it now, that I am only asking him to do it once a month, and it's a one hour job. Why is he doing it? He knows he will put me in this position. He creates situations like this with methodical consistency BUT only in front of certain people, not all people. He tries with other people too, but when he sees no reaction, he doesn't do it anymore. He tried it with our out of town newer friends, and when the wife said to him to stop complaining about me, he never pulled this trick with them again, never. Valentine day: same story. He got tipsy and here we go again. We went to a club, and he was so impossible, that I just left after half an hour, took a taxi and went home. The sad part about it that next day he pretends like he doesn't understand what he did wrong. He keeps on telling me that it's all my imagination, that I exaggerate things and he never says anything or does anything the way I see it.,Well, the situation is that I don't enjoy his company anymore. I don't like doing things with him especially with other people. After work we used to go to happy hours, I don't do it anymore, I don't think he even noticed. I take my own car and with the first sign of him starting acting up again I leave. I don't invite people to our house anymore, and made my own friends where I can hang out without his presence. Now, 2 trips are coming up, one is where I have to spend 2 weeks with him, and the worst part is he is with his family. There is where his complaints go into full bloom. And second is 3 days camping trip with the same friends. None of these trips I want anymore. He has been especially bad lately, and for me it looks like a torture these two trips. A week ago I mentioned it to him, that may be he will go on a long trip by himself, and he said, then I won't even go. The second trip we already paid for, but I already told my friend that I don't think I will go. He can go, but not me. Frankly, I don't even want to be with him at all. Though he will always be a big part of my life, and always be a father of my children, but the way he acts I don't want to be around him at all. He just became an unpleasant person in my life, in every aspect of it. It makes me very sad, but the way he makes feel cant last any longer. I don't know how to correct this situation, talks with him obviously don't help, as he keeps on denying everything I say. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
 OH OP you didn't mention that all of this was fueled by over consumption of alcohol. Yep that is a big issue for us too.
IF your spouse is not an alcoholic then it's probable his limiting his drinking will help tremendously. If he's an alcoholic (like mine) then he may not be able to control his drinking and then the problem will continue.
GOOD luck... and I still suggest some counseling especially now that you have had a talk and he owned the problem.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 Glad to hear it. For this talk to amount to more than just talk you'll have to make some changes too. For the time being I would limit my attendance to events with those he does not complain about you to. You can see how it goes and re-visit that decision down the road AFTER you see improvement.
If he wants you to accompany him to future events he has to demonstrate it's worth your while to do so.
Thanks for the follow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Thank you all for your answers!!
We had a talk with him yesterday about this, and surprisingly he was very understanding. He even admitted that when he drinks he is acting up, and he promised to me that he will not drink when we go out.
We ll see what happens. This is actually the first time he admitted that he is being bad with me around our friends. I don't know what triggered it, but it happened:)
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 February 2014):
Decline to accompany him on any events with those to whom he is likely to complain about you. Bow out of any you have already planned, even if they're paid for. Money will come and go, but time and experiences cannot be replaced. I don't mean be flippant with resources, just that money should not be so important to you that you're prepared to make your life unnecessarily miserable to have it. If he has that much to complain about you then he’ll enjoy the time apart. You certainly will.
As for the drink incident, when he ignored or appeared not to have heard your request for a mixed drink the sensible thing for you to do would have been to get up and mix one for yourself. To just sit there and keep repeating the same request every twenty minutes is, frankly, dumb and annoying. And this makes me think that at least SOME of your husband’s complaints may be valid. It’s worth considering.
Your husband is making a right fool of himself. If his behaviour toward you is such that others have felt compelled to speak up then it’s a safe bet others are thinking the same thing. It’s only a matter of time before he wears out his welcome.
Focus your energies on people and activities that bring you happiness and let your husband fend for himself. This might give him the space and the wake up call he needs or it could be phase one of your extrication from a toxic marriage
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2014):
I hear you 100% and I understand.
Sometimes people are just clueless about how their feelings affect their behavior and words.
Last night my husband was being snarky and nasty at dinner... and when we got home I asked him "are you angry about something?" and he said "no" but he is... he just can't figure it out for himself yet.
I agree that asking your hubby to go to counseling may help. Couples counseling is really mostly about learning to communicate with each other.
If you tell him something he says or does bothers you and he dismisses it or can't see it, a counselor who is not emotionally invested can probably find another way to explain it to him so he can see it.
I would tell him that you no longer will go out in public with him to see friends due to how he treats you in public. I would not go on the trips with him but let him go (and if he chooses not to go then that's ON HIM)
I also never want to have folks to my home any more because of how my husband is.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 The only thing I can suggest is couples counselling.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 February 2014):
 You man is displaying unacceptable disloyalty. How to handle it????
You sit him down and say: "Hunchy-Bunchy, you know we have been an item for a long time.... AND, I am very much in love with you.... BUT, I happen to know that you bring any- and every- little snit - between us - to a circle of your friends.... I think that's inappropriate. IF'n it happens again.... and I find out about it.... then one of us is going to have to move to a different address. Is that perfectly clear to you?"
That should alert him to your feelings that you are not going to accept his stupid behaviour.
Good luck...
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