A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi. my spouse and i are in our late twenties and have very busy and high demanding careers. we married about 7 months ago but have been together for 3+ years. over the past month, we've fought constantly. over everything. mainly because there's not enough intimacy. i have noticed signs of my spouse pleasing himself and it's not only disgusting but angers me. there's just so much anger between us that we literally cannot be affectionate and i have no idea how to stop the anger and get back to being loving. so not only have we not been intimate in 3 + weeks, he's pleasing himself and hasn't spoken with me in 3 days. he said we will be intimate once we stop fighting...well, clearly that hasn't happened... what do i do? for example, i found jeans on the floor near his working computer and of course, my mind can only wonder to one thing. is this wrong of me?i'm so tired of going around and around in vicious and unhealthy cycles. i want a spouse that loves me unconditionally, wants to be intimate and treat me well. is this a sign i should seek divorce?what to do?thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): You're absolutely right to ask for unconditional love, intimacy, and consistently good treatment. You do deserve those things. The masturbation is a whole separate issue. It's a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do. You are extremely unlikely to meet a man who does not do that in private. Sure, he certainly should not pursue it to the exclusion of intimacy with you, but the anger and contempt you express here over it is very worrisome.
Contempt like that is one of the clearest signs of deep and abiding relationship issues. Is there no way for you to call a truce here, reset the score, love him unconditionally too, and say, well, maybe the reason your needs haven't been met is because he's fighting to get a different set of needs met that you haven't recognized? It's not right of him to withhold from you on that basis, but it could explain why your fighting has been endless. What is he saying *he* needs? Is any of it fair? Maybe try to get that clarified and ask again to see whether others here think he's asking for meaningful and reasonable things.
Someone's going to have to step up here and try to understand what's really going on, or else, yes, it's over, but you're fairly likely to repeat this same pattern elsewhere if you don't try to figure it out now, ideally with the help of a counselor.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): "it's not only disgusting but angers me"
Masturbation is NORMAL and HEALTHY. The fact that it disgusts you and angers you is signficant BUT it doesn't mean that you are flawed somehow. Your reaction to it is driven by some issue you have not dealt with. Your bf (now husband) and you were together for 3 years before marriage, trust me, he masturbated plenty during that 3 year stretch unless you kept him so drained sexually that he couldn't get it up (not likely if you are both working).
"very busy and high demanding careers"
As do many young couples, this is not the issue unless those jobs changed or work circumstances changed in the last few months.
"married about 7 months ago"
Did you live together before marriage? Did you have sex before marriage? Were you intimate enough before marriage?
"there's not enough intimacy"
As long as anger (or fear) is involved, there cannot be true intimacy in any case. The anger (or fear - and anger is often a manifestation of fear) prevents that from happening.
"i have no idea how to stop the anger and get back to being loving"
You desperately need couples counseling, now, immediately, because something has gone terribly wrong and it isn't your fault, or his fault, but there is something that needs dug up and dealt with.
"i want a spouse that loves me unconditionally, wants to be intimate and treat me well"
The only way to get this is to get help, don't try to do this alone, you may shove it under the rug but you are not going to fix it without help.
"is this a sign i should seek divorce"
Only if you have deep rooted issues around sex abuse, abandonment, neglect, and a number of other things that you are in no way going to talk about with him or anyone else. Do you love him? If so, then get professional help as a couple.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (24 March 2011):
First of all, you are both suffering the consequence of living in a society which promotes busy, demanding careers, and not having enough time for one another. When you do have the time, you probably both have too much taken out of you from your work to give to one another. That's a reality for a lot of people, and a lot of people manage when things are going well, but it doesn't take a lot for things to start going badly and put pressure on your relationship. Recognise that some of the anger you feel could probably be directed towards your work, for not giving you enough space to feel relaxed enough with your partner. The context that you find yourself and your relationship in plays a much bigger part than we care to admit.
Secondly, when you do spend time together, you are probably not able to communicate well, and this results in you getting angry with one another. At this point, it sounds like you are both angry. Angry with each other, and angry that things arent better.
You are angry that he is masturbating rather than being intimate with you. I am sure he is angry that there is not enough intimacy between the two of you so that he has to resort to masturbating rather than being able to have the loving relationship with you that he wants. From this point of view, you probably have more in common than you realize, you just don't know how to get through the anger and hurt that has built up.
One thing you are probably not able to do is listen to one another. Does he know why there is so much anger from your side? Do you know why he is angry, or distant? Have you really communicated with one another, or even set aside time to communicate properly. You are probably both scared of communicating because neither of you really wants to hear that the other person is so unhappy with the relationship that it might be heading for divorce.
I get the feeling that you are both actually on the same side, that you both want the same thing, but don't know how to fight for it together, you just know how to fight with one another. I think you have a good chance of working things out if you decide to work on this together, and do something about it. Communication is a good place to start, and there are other resources available to you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): I would objectively say that his mastubation is the lesser of two evils ie he could have found someone else as an outlet but he did not...He still loves and respects you, and you are still the one he wants...Stop getting jealous of his hand...That said, you should both stop fighting and start talking, really start communicating to resolves whatever issues is causing you to row and please dont try to be right or win cos you will both lose with that kind of attitude...Validate each others opinion by REALLY listen and trying to understand each other from the others point of view.....I doubt a man would like to make love to an angry woman or he might be afraid to approach you for fear of rejection.....Know that you are not the only one this situation is upsetting, he has feelings too...You are not the only one who wants to be loved unconditionally, he does too....Stop acting like this is all about you, it involves both of you.....And NO, this is not a sign that you should seek a divorce , this is a time for both of you to show your commitment and maturity to overcome these issues....Marriage is full of ups and down....Dont allow this to fester anymore(dont allow your problems both now ans in the future fester ), otherwise resentment blows simple issues out of proportion....I bet if I heard your husbands side of the stoy he too would have things to say that he isnt currently happy about...Do you really think for one moment that he would rather masturbate than sleep with you? I really dont think so....He is not the only one causing the problem here, You are too! And you have to be honest and humble to reach out to your husband in love not aggression/accusation or the I'm am so right about this attitude....'a soft answer turneth away wrath''...Reflect on that statement from the bible and you will know that it has so much wisdom as you learn to interact both in your marriage and outside with people....What would it take for both of you to stop rowing?...Do it now, ie eliminate the conflict so you can get back the intimacy(sex and well as a connection of being close to each other)....Perharps start with a smile and a hug before talking to him..He needs you just as much as you need him
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