A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm the kind of person that has always put in a lot of effort into my relationships. I used to go overboard with it but now I've definitely calmed down. I've really been trying to keep busy and not focus on my relationship because I know I have a tendency to obsess over dumb things. My boyfriend right now is great but I really wish he would put in more effort! I have a more random schedule than he does and he tells me that I should let him know when I'm free so that we can see each other. It's gone ok so far but the other day I called to let him know that I was free and he hasn't responded since! It's not like him at all to do this. I've barely seen him all week and he hasn't been very affectionate lately because most of what we do involves hanging out with other people. I'm feeling like I'm overreacting but then I can find a way to argue that my disappointment is perfectly rational. I miss him and I don't feel like he misses me. It's making me sad. I think I'm also feeling this way because I'm getting my period =\I want to keep my dignity, I've been in other situations where I get attached and look like a fool and I really don't want to do that this time. Am I overreacting here? How do I let him know how I feel without playing these mind games and also without sounding like a whiny loser?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 You're doing right in walking away if this is important to you. It's better to walk away than to try to change him. But, I'd still give him one more chance before dumping.
Tell him that when he says he will call, he needs to call, or have a darn good reason for not calling. Then again you need to allow people to be human = we fail. We forget. We get busy, distracted, loose track of time. It doesn't have to mean we are evil, or not good people. It should be ok that he miss as call or text every now and then. On a routine basis it's not ok! But one call went missing in two months... that shouldn't be a problem. You don't want a relationship where the guy freaks out and thinks you will dump him if he forgot to call you that one time in two months etc. If he forgets quite often on the other hand it is a sign of how low on his list of priorities you are.
But at this point it's ONE TIME. Not often. Not regularly. Just once. The other text he never got (sometimes that happens), so you can't add that in.
A
female
reader, Angel96  +, writes (31 March 2011):
but don't make hurry in doing anything......just think over it again.....then make a decision....
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! I've carefully thought through everything and decided that I was going to send him a message and be light and fun as usual because it's really for the best to not get worked up about something silly. He said he didn't get my message and so I moved on from it. I realize I was overreacting a bit BUT then he told me that he was going to call me today and didn't, now I'm really getting fumed! Why do men suck so damn much?! For the first few months we dated I was totally happy with the way things were going and now they've dropped off. What is going on here? ugh! I have never nagged him about anything and refuse to nag someone to get them to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and the way I treat them. I will walk away if this keeps happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): From one woman to another:Please don't play the period card. Women do get more emotional before and during their periods. But I wouldn't use your time of the month to explain away your very valid thoughts or demand extra attention. Women don't lose control over thoughts while PMSing or being on their period. We get more emotional. We do not get psychotic.Beyond being infantilizing to women, using this idea against tends a man backfires. If you start claiming you're on your period everytime you get emotional, he'll treat all your emotions as a "symptom" of your gender instead of real things to care about. You said you didn't want mind games and manipulations...please don't try this one.
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female
reader, Thornbirds  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 He might just want a little space for a while. Men tend to wiggle out if they are strangled to suffocation. They need space to exercise their independence. As you say, you put a lot of effort in the relationship.Don't you think you put too much in it that he got lost in the process ? Try backing off a little so he'll do the chasing this time. Sometimes, it takes a loss to realize what is missed. Give him the benefit of the doubt by making him do his share of exerting effort in your relationship..don't do anything..don't initiate anything as you used to... Check if he does his homework. If he does not respond to your silence, then it's time for you to back off completely. Don't get played by your illusions. Don't be afraid to fail again..sometimes it takes several falls to get used to...you'll get smarter every time!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 March 2011):
You're getting your period. Thread carefully! Unless you feel this exact same way in a week, when you are close to done with your period, then this is something you shouldn't speak of. You are a type of person who wants lots of attention and stress out if left without a reply. Quite common to be that way, but when you get close to your period, these thoughts and characteristics can get enhanced and you loose control over thoughts you are otherwise in control of. It'd be damaging to burst out over it unless you are sure that this isn't linked to your period.
However, what you can do is tell him that you are about to get your period, and when you are in this part of your cycle you appreciate a little extra attention and care, otherwise you easily feel alone or abandoned. Or something up the lines of that, word it how you feel is best. That way you are not telling him he is doing anything wrong, but telling him what he can do to make you feel happier.
But then also remember that you have a tendency to over-react when it comes to these things. Not getting a reply is something we can all get grumpy about, but it doesn't mean he is neglecting you, not loving you etc. How much effort does he put in other than this one time when he didn't reply right away? You said it was unusual for him not to reply right away, so do you really have grounds to say he's not putting in an effort?
I think you should hold off a bit longer and see if this is a reaction caused by your period or not. Also you can try to ask him why he didn't reply, but do not get upset with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): "How do I let him know how I feel without playing these mind games and also without sounding like a whiny loser?"
Attention you have to ask for doesn't usually end up as the sort of attention you actually want. Asking someone to put more effort into a relationship can lead to resentment because it makes the other person feel like you're a task or a 2nd job, not a girlfriend.
You do sound like you're overreacting about the phone call...you've let one missed phone doubt the validity of an entire relationship...You're bundling with this incident with other instances where you've felt ignored. I think you know you're overthinking this, or you wouldn't have brought up your past. However, if his ignoring you is a regular thing, you might have a reason to.
You sound pretty self-aware, like you've analyzed mistakes in your past, and you don't want to repeat the same mistakes again. There's a lot of maturity in that stance. I don't think you need to feel like a whiny loser...but I do think you need to decide if you're ultimately happy with him.
I think a lot of women put too much effort into relationships because they think they can change a guy or reengineer the relationship to success. It's an impossible feat...yet I see women do this all the time. I did it when I was younger too. Why is it impossible? Because 50% of the relationship depends on another person's feelings.
All you can really do is be yourself, be open, communicative, and don't be afraid to take risks. If a guy doesn't reciprocate the way you like or doesn't seem to care deeply about you, trust your instincts and don't try to reengineer the guy. Accept that the guy is the way he is and above all; Accept that you aren't happy with him!
In your situation, I would be honest and clear about YOU. Tell him you want to get to know him better and spend more time with him alone. Offer your own suggetions. If he isn't interested in letting you get to know him, then move on. You won't get what you want and you'll be miserable.
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female
reader, Angel96 +, writes (30 March 2011):
i think he is busy thats why he is not responding....n if ur love is true then he will care for u n thats for sure...and i think that u should not suspect your love because of such stupid reasons....because relationships are too week....and if you suspect your love then you will never get your love back!!!!and if he really don't care about u then don't be panic or don't try to over react...and thus he can understand about your true love and again come back to you soon.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): You may be overreacting a bit here. Just because you are free doesn't mean he is. And you say it's not like him to not return calls so maybe give him the benefit of the doubt.Just be nonchalant about it. You don't have to rave on about how hurt you were that he didn't call and how disappointed you feel. Let him know you miss him and that you'd really like to see him this week. Try to make plans so the two of you could spend some time alone and you're not hanging out with a group. Don't overthink and analyze every minor detail of the situation, because that's when people come off as too needy. I think if you just enjoy the relationship and take things as they come you'll be fine.It seems like you are a lot busier than him - maybe he feels that you're not as invested in the relationship and he could be pulling away? He probably just isn't showing how much he misses you. You could figure out a system, because your schedules don't match up. Maybe set aside a date night each week so you can ensure time together and you're not sitting there wondering when's the next time you'll get to see your bf.Good luck!
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