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*mw
writes:Hurt beyond repair? (I still love him)I have been married for 10+ years. We were really special when we met our friends referred to us a Romeo and Juliet. Over the years our kids have caused us to argue and fight verbally really bad. In all that I never consulted and x boyfriend or male friend to get me through. At one point when my husband and I were separated for 7 mos because of his job and x girlfriend of his called me and told me to stop having him call her. When confronted he admitted to talking only. I believe it because of things he told me about her in the past. He apologized said he didn't realize how much just talking would hurt me and that he would never do it again. We finally moved to another state and we still had our problems but I thought we could work it out. We went to a store and they made a mistake on our slip so I went back into the store to straigtned it out when I came out he was on the phone with a so called female friend he had met a the gym. He states again that it was only a friend because of the problems we went through and that he did nothing wrong. After a argrument he said he would break off the friendship and I caught him a couple of more times after that and finally confronted the woman and she said she had a boyfriend and waa just being a friend. We since moved to yet another state and I can't seem to get rid of the hurt or trust him again. He says he can't apologize no more cause he has a million times which he has and he seems to open with me and I have not caught him since. How do I unload the hurt I feel and learn to trust him again because I feel so angry, hurt and humiliated all the time and I can't seem to get past it. Hurt beyond repair?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Hi again,
I see something troubling with your answer. Your relationship will be sabotaged if you continue to call him names or accuse him of keeping secrets. In fact, he's probably in 'defensive mode' when you're together, and feels getting close to you again is useless.
I very much sympathize how hurt you are, but the resentment will tear your marriage apart...It's 'deep breath' time to forgive your husband and bury the past. Don't let it rob your life away. Love can grow again (not the same when you were young), but a deeper love that accepts each of you as you are, human.
Try to nurture your marriage with the good you see in it. Being vulnerable and open to love him again with your heart takes courage. You can do it! Don't rush things, but take a moment to ask yourself, "what can I do today to give my husband a smile"...a blossom of hope to save your marriage. I'll say a prayer for you today.
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reader, jmw +, writes (2 October 2008):
jmw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all answers that are given because since I no longer have parents to go to I only have my own thoughts that just keep eating at me. My hold up on this is that old saying that if he has done it once he will do it again and he has. He has done it twice and after the first time he apologized so I keep fighthing with myself saying he apologized the first time and said he wouldn't do it again and then did it again so what makes me think he is telling me the truth this time. We fight almost daily over it and he hates it when I call him a liar and a person who keeps secrets. There are days that I try very hard not to but we get into argruments and it always goes back to that. I am 53 and don't want to be alone and start over again and I do still love him or I would not keep hanging in there. We both seem to hang in there but we fight all the time everyday. Currently for the first time in my life I am unemployed and he works in a field that is a dying breed and he recently got layed off so we have more time to fight. We are either argruing or silent. Since we met he has changed his religious beliefs and although I am not a devote catholic I was raised that way so another conflict as he spends alot of his time reading his new found beliefs.I do still love him and keep hoping the guy I married will someday return. I remember the days I couldn't wait to get home from work and would almost be in tears to have to leave him all day. Now I find a sort of relief when he steps out to go to the store or a class. I am very down and sad and don't know how to get me back never mind trying to get him back to the original too???Again thank you both for your replys and if you wish please keep them coming because your thoughts and reservations let me know that I am not crazy for thinking what I think. He says they are my feelings and if I am hurt it is because I choose to be. I wouldn't be hurt if it wasn't for his actions. He says I have to get over it and move on. I keep thinking if I do he will just feel free to do it again and this time be more careful about not getting caught. He says he didn't sleep with these womnan but it is still a trust that he broke by carrying on a friendship behind my back. Me again.
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reader, candace +, writes (2 October 2008):
well, I don't think married men should be friends with and talk about their problems in marriage with single women or even married women for that matter.... No offense- women are just....well..you know. Any way...
Cell phones suck--they are the cause of a lot of problems (texting, flirting, and building relationships via cell phone) and maybe you two need a getaway. Just to remember why you are with him. He needs to remember why he is with you. Time and his actions are the only things that will really ease the pain. Your heart will tell you when you can trust him again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Once trust is broken, it's takes a long time to gain back. And if you don't have trust in a relationship, then you don't really have one...he says he's apologized over and over. If he really means it, he won't be calling any girls...tell him trust takes time to build up again...so if you're acting 'suspicious', he should be understanding of your behavior.
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