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Hpv in a long term relationship. Is cheating involved?

Tagged as: Cheating, Health, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *anna58 writes:

I am a 36 year old woman. I have been with my husband for four years. I have had regular Pap smears my entire life. I have been tested for hpv every single year since I was 28. My hpv tests have always come back negative.

Last month, I went in for a Pap smear. My doctor called me back five days later saying that I had an abnormal Pap smear and tested positive for hpv. She said that I had been infected in the last 12 months since my last hpv test. When I asked her how I could have gotten it now, she told me she didn't know, but that I was most definitely recently infected. She said I should have a heart to heart with my husband, but wouldn't say anything else.

Do you think he cheated on me. They say hpv can lay low for years, but she said that couldn't have been the case with me. I'd love to hear thoughts and opinions, especially from anyone in the medical field. Please help!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (27 March 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntActually SageOldGuy there IS NO TEST FOR HPV!

from the CDC website:

How do I know if I have HPV?

There is no test to find out a person’s “HPV status.” Also, there is no approved HPV test to find HPV in the mouth or throat.

There are HPV tests that can be used to screen for cervical cancer. These tests are recommended for screening only in women aged 30 years and older. They are not recommended to screen men, adolescents, or women under the age of 30 years.

Most people with HPV do not know they are infected and never develop symptoms or health problems from it. Some people find out they have HPV when they get genital warts. Women may find out they have HPV when they get an abnormal Pap test result (during cervical cancer screening). Others may only find out once they’ve developed more serious problems from HPV, such as cancers.

http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm

in fact, the PAP does not test for HPV just atypical cells. (consistent with HPV)

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (27 March 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntHave you told Hubby of this positive-HPV result? If not, then do so, now.... If "yes," then ask Hubby to be tested, to see if he is so-infected. After all... you (both) need to know who's carrying what....

That said; if HE tests positive.... and YOU have tested positive... then you are entitled to be VERY QUIET whilest HE stews about whether or not he brought it to the both of you....

IF he "comes clean" because an infidelity was the reason... then you answer will be right there. IF he acts bewildered (asking, "How could it be that you and/or I is now carrying this virus after 4 years?"), then you need to guide that conversation....and see if you (and, he) are convinced that this is a bloom of a virus that was dormant in one, or the other, of you for a long time...

Good luck....

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (27 March 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI personally have had two abnormal PAP smears over the years both "cells consistent with HPV" I've asked my doctor what this means and it means I've probably had HPV at some time but that my body has cleared it. Yes I had the LEEP procedure (I assume you will be having this as well) twice. And now for years i've tested normal. MOST women (90+%) in my age range have had HPV.

I was always under the impression that it could lay dormant for years. I did not know that they could tell which strains were new vs old... but then I have not researched it lately. It's possible that you tested normal a year ago and are testing positive now but that it's not been acquired in the last 12 months,.

I agree that it does NOT mean he was cheating. Perhaps HE had it dormant from before he knew you and it's just becoming active now.....

You need to talk to him and let him know what's going on.

Has he been secretive about anything? Are there nights or times he's out and not available? Do you think/feel he's hiding something? Trust your gut on this... Doctors are not always right...they are human too.. for her to imply your spouse is cheating (that's her implication) may just be HER baggage... she may be making huge assumptions.

DON'T be angry at him till you have good reason to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014):

If he hasn't cheated, he'll be very hurt and angry if you insinuate that he did. So I would tread carefully.

I would tell him I have a problem at the doctor's as they are confused about a few tests they carried out. I would make a big deal out of it and ask him to come with you for another set of tests (if he can't make the tests he come with you only to get the results.) When you get te results from the doctor (preferably not the same doctor as last time) you will see his reaction when the doctor says you have HPV from the last year. This way, you haven't accused, you've only asked for support when you are getting your tests from the doctor. You will also corroborate the first set of results.

This is obviously quite a round about way of doing it but the alternative is to ask a question that at best will get a 'no I didn't cheat' whether he did or not. At worst, he'll be hurt and angry that you suspect him.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (27 March 2014):

Abella agony auntGenital human papillomavirus (also called HPV) is the most common sexually transmitted infection. But that does not make it any less distressing for you.

If a person is sexually active then it is very possible that they will come into contact with a sexual partner or partners at some stage in their life where the partner already has HPV.

There are more than 40 HPV types that can infect you. And some people contract more than one type of HPV.

Some HPV you will suffer in the mouth and the throat and some in the genitals.

HPV is not the same as Herpes nor is it HIV – the latter (HIV) is what is called AIDS.

You can get any of the HPVs from oral sex or genital to genital sex. Yes you can have HPV for some years or much less than that, and yet still not have symptoms. And for some people they do get symptoms of HPV such as genital warts.

I suspect that if you have been in a long term apparently monogamous sexual relationship with your man then there should be enough trust between the two of you.

And it might be a good idea for your guy to choose to get tested for HPV. Ask him.

You know that you have not been unfaithful.

Your partner may or may not have been unfaithful.

How strong is your relationship? Do you think he could handle a heart to heart talk about infidelity with him? He may bluster and try to refute any suggestion of infidelity.

First ask him to please consider getting a HPV test?

Can you be strong enough to ask him if he has ever been

unfaithful over the last 4 years.

It is surprising that you have never been found to have HPV previously, because all your previous tests were clear.

And yet suddenly the HPV has appeared.

So something has made this HPV "appear".

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (27 March 2014):

Honeypie agony auntIf your doctor suggested that the strain of HpV is not one that was dormant for years, then I would trust her. She should know.

There are so many types of HpV, so if she suggests it's something you have gotten over the last year, I would talk to your husband. I wouldn't accuse him of anything right off the bat though.

Unfortunately STD's doesn't come with a "date of origin".

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