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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm a very insecure woman. Throughout my dating life, I've had nothing but rejection and hurt. As a teenager, I was constantly rejected in favor of prettier girls. I've always felt ugly. Then I had a long relationship with a guy for whom I made MANY big sacrifices, who, in the end, only ended cheating on me. It took a huge toll on me, still does when I think about it.Other guys I've been with haven't taken me seriously, I honestly started feeling unlovable at one point because only used me and then they barely acknowledged me. I've never been a pretty, charming woman who has guys fawning over.Now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy, but my insecurities and anxiety are starting to creep in. He has a colorful past, which only adds to the anxiety as sometimes I feel I can't possibly be enough to make him happy long term. We've been together for 6 months now, in the beginning I was experiencing the typical high of a new relationship where everything feels perfect, but now reality is setting in and I'm starting to feel self doubt.He's great and really hasn't done anything to warrant this. But I guess it's a mixture of past hurts, feeling really vulnerable and the fact he says he's never been the type to have serious relationships. He says I'm so different to the other girls though, that he feels ready to commit, long term, he even wants to marry me.I also fear because not only did my ex cheat on me, but I know guys who constantly cheat on their girlfriends and put on such a convincing facade in front of them, that they have no idea... other guys have tried to cheat on their girlfriends/wives with me... and it seems people inevitably end up cheating on most cases.I don't want to sabotage this relationship, like I said, he's done nothing wrong, but I fear he eventually will, it's like it's too good to be true. And thinking about his past makes me feel so bad, even though it was all meaningless, it's like I can't help but take it seriously. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to lose him. I know I'm the problem, but I don't know how to fix myself.
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female
reader, Marilissa75  +, writes (28 March 2014):
 You have to trust someone in order to know if you can trust them. You have to embrace love in order to know if it is real and lasting. You have to become confident and stop living trapped in your fears. You only have one life. This is not a dress rehearsal.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 What exactly do you mean by 'colourful'?
Does you mean he's cheated on others or that he's far more sexually experienced and/or worldly in general than you are?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): You're very young to be so worried about this, but I guess what ever age you are it doesnt matter that you're feeling so insecure.1) you need to look in the mirror every day and tell yourself how beautiful you ARE.2) Believe it3) You will FEEL itPractice, and write things down when you are feeling insecure. Remember he has obviously been looking for a connection that is good for him and its good that you not just a meaningless f**k but someone he can be with for long-term.Realise how LUCKY HE IS to have YOU, and you know what, if he cheats he cheats what you gonna do about it? drive yourself crazy over it for life? It's stupid and you know it. What about YOU, you could cheat and he wouldn't know about it? and dont think that no-one would want to cheat with you because thats just stupid too I bet there's plenty of guys who want you.There's 2 people here so just believe in yourself and it will be all good. Do things to make yourself feel good, go shopping get some hot clothes, go get your hair done, nails whatever makes you feel good, go get some sexy underwear if you feel unattractive!But most of all feel good in yourself and KNOW he's a lucky bastard to have you so why the hell would he cheat on you. PS ive also had a colourful past and i'm a woman but when i'm with a guy i'll be with him for life thats for sure because all that meaningless sex is just bullshit. So he sees you as his future so that is a huge compliment so please start thinking more positively :-)Keep your mind busy from negative thoughts!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): There are three issues as I see it.Your lack self confidence.Your lack of trust in men.His colourful past (by which I infer that you mean he's cheated on previous partners)Only you can build your self confidence. There are many books, and therapy sessions and advice online. Seriously, it's the biggest thing you can do for yourself right now.Your lack of trust in men stems from your past experiences and it is only natural that you should be wary. But let me reassure you that there are men who are loyal and loving. Mine is one of them. But with low self confidence, you are more likely to settle for the players since you don't think you deserve better. When you treat yourself with respect, the man that you date will treat you with respect as well.His colourful past IS an indication of his character. Sleeping with lots of people is absolutely fine and his prerogative if he used protection. However, if, and I suspect he did, he's cheated on his previous partners then I'm sorry to say but your fears are justified. It makes me uncomfortable that he's committing finally to someone with low self esteem. That makes me think that he wants someone who, when she becomes suspicious of his behaviour with other women, he can say you're paranoid and imagining it because of your issues. When he starts weird relationships about other women that seem fishy to you, you'll second guess yourself and think it's your fault.Your issues are only part of the problem.His issues are the other part.You make a very volatile relationship together.I hope I'm reading the situation wrong, but when your incompatibility eventually drives you apart, please do not be with someone who treated other women the way you were treated by the men who've made you disillusioned. It's the same pattern and you will keep getting the same results and you'll reinforce this idea that men are monsters when if fact, you go for the same type of guy.
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