A
male
age
36-40,
*ewguynewguy
writes:Hi, I'm in a relationship with a girl that is going through a divorce and a mother of two kids. Her ex is an ass and that's being nice to the guy, he cheated on her,was emotionally and verbally abusive to her and really broke her down. She is trying to make the split as easy as she can on her kids but this guy only thinks about himself and wants to hurt her at any cost.Every time he picks up or drops of her kids he has some cute , nasty comment to say to her. Over the weekend when he dropped them off he handed her oldest son over and said " here you go buddy go to your whore of a mother" and then called out from his truck "bye bitch" as he drove off.I literally want to punch his guy in the face but I would never do that in front of the kids. He will call her in the middle of the night cursing and belittling her. She has been to the police and they are going to court over things but he still does them. He is no longer allowed to come to her house to get the kids it was to be a mutual public place but he still acts this way.I end up getting pissed off about the whole thing and it usually ends up ruining the whole day for all of us because I'm so angry at him. His family is no better, they will stop by to "visit" the kids and ask them questions about me, like if I'm nice to them, if I sleep over, do I punish them etc.I have asked to meet them so they can see what I'm like if they are so interested in me but they haven't responded. I really like this girl and her kids but I don't know her to handle this whole ex situation. Also will me staying all night have any effect on the custody thing? How's a nice way to ask her ex in laws to get to know me so they can see I'm not a monster and how does everyone else deal with the ex dad.
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (7 May 2014):
Because the father seems the abusive kind be wary of his parents. I would be kind and polite but not go out of my way just yet. It might be a good idea to broker a deal with him that you and he will not bad mouth him or anyone in his family if he I'll agree to do the same. That way he and his parents can have the relationship they want with the children. It is important or the kids end up being torn to pieces.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Her divorce is not final and as SVC points out everything she does (and anyone she's involved with) will be under a microscope.
You should NOT be sleeping over. not just for the kids' sake, but for hers and for yours. The kids need whatever stability she can provide them and having men they hardly know (no matter how nice you are or how much they might like you) hanging about is chaotic, not to mention tacky.
The other thing to consider is while this woman may want companionship, she has unfinished and very nasty business to sort through and juggling a serious relationship places additional demands upon her. I'm not just talking about court proceedings but the psychological adjustments she must make. Pace yourselves.
My advice to HER is to keep a log noting the date, time and a description of each incident (also include the names of whomever was present during it). Set up a hidden camera to record his abusive treatment (all the better if it's in front of the kids). Switch to a VoIP phone service which will allow her to have phone messages sent to her email as wave files. Allow him and his family to underestimate her and always be seen to be dignified.
My advice to YOU is maintain a polite distance and don't let your own anger darken your time together. This is HER problem remember and she has enough on her plate without also having to worry about how you might react. If you want to DO something, you could look into what's involved in implementing some of my suggestions, but do not pressure her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 If you sleep over when the kids are there you could affect her custody depending on what her agreement is or what else happens.
I would NOT sleep over when the kids are there.
I also would NOT ask the ex family for anything... I would be very polite and very kind to them when they ask things of you but other than that make yourself scarce.
her divorce is NOT final, you could really gum up the works for her... whether she knows it or not... she needs to consult her lawyer as to the best way to deal with this.
And he is a DAD he will always be their DAD.. he is her ex but not the kids. NEVER ever bad mouth him...EVER.
Take the high road... if you like this woman enough it will be worth the wait for the divorce to be final and for things to settle down.
Meeting them will NOT change how they feel or how they treat you... your positive behavior towards them and the kids will in the long run be the best defense.
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (6 May 2014):
Hi,
As already said, this is a long term situation and things will settle in the long term. At the moment, the divorce is going through, it's a new situation for everybody, the dad is angry, the grand parents are angry. No body wants to 'give' because they are afraid of losing what they have.
Your profile says you are between 22-25.You are young and you find yourself in the middle of all this. For you, I believe you may need to take a step back and consider what you are getting yourself into. The divorce is fresh, you are in the middle of all this. I wouldn't think about staying over or moving in because there is no rush.
At this moment, you are not in an 'exclusive' relationship where you have your own time together, can do what you fancy, can enjoy this or that. You are not both 'free' in that sense. Therefore, because of the circumstances, you have to compromise. That is frustrating and annoying but it is part of dating a girl in these circumstances. Ask yourself if you are truly ready for all this? If you are, then you will have to go with the flow and just take each thing as it comes for the moment.
However, if you realize you are not so sure, then it is best to walk away from this and start afresh.
Hope it works out whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 It is very important for you and your girlfriend to realise that because children are involved, their father, and his family, are always going to be part of your lives (if your relationship is long term, life long). Always! And, unless they are damaging the children they have a right to be part of the children's lives. And guess what, the more love a child has the more secure and self confident they will be, probably due to the fact they KNOW they are cherished and loved.
You need to think about the last line of your question, the dad is not an ex dad, he is an ex husband, not an ex dad, regardless how much of a jerk he is, he is still the father of those children. Get your head around that and the rest wont be quite so difficult to deal with.
Regardless how much of an utter P**** the ex husband is NEVER bag him to his kids, or in front of his kids, their mother also has to be careful to never bag him to or in front of them. Kids are not stupid, they can work things, situations and people, out for themselves. If their dad continues the way he is they will soon realise for themselves what a jerk and a loser he is, you, and their mother, don't have to do anything about that.
Now, on to the father' family, it is normal for them to be interested in you, not such a good idea to be pumping the kids for answers though, if that is what they are doing.
They could also be worried they might lose contact with their grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, family members. And they could be concerned about how you are going to treat the kids.
Don't try and rush things, don't move in, or have sleepovers, keep everything on the up and up. Give the kids time to adjust to dad being out of the picture and you being in it.
Give Dad and his family time to adjust to him being out of the picture and you being in it.
Once the divorce is through and the dust has settled, you can start celebrating family occasions, kids birthdays etc and invite their extended family, and they can get to know you and vice versa. Lay the ground work now for good relationships with that side of the family and later down the track for school concerts and sports days, and later graduations and proms, weddings and grandchildren the path will be a lot smoother for all.
Its a long and winding road, but the rewards at the end will be worth it!
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