A
female
age
51-59,
*exie40
writes:My question is #1 When you love a person how do you cope with rejection and inconsideration? #2 How would you handle a spouse that is self absorbed and not affectionate unless it directly benefits him? Here is my situation I am still in love with my husband and I believe he is with me also . When we were first together my husband was very attentive , affectionate and protective of me and these were some of the main things that attracted me to him . Well , that was 18 years ago and things have changed . Granted we have a family that we both planned and just regular life changes , I understand that but I still maintain the compassion and affection that I did years ago. Seems like my husband has dropped the ball and is only concerned about his freedom and comfort . I don't feel like I used to and I don't want to harbor any resentment against him. I try to get him to get back to the love and affection we used to have . He seems to be only concerned about him , it's like me and the children are a inconvenience to him. We both work full time jobs , he works am and I work midnights . He has managed to miss all the action of the day. When he comes home everyone is sleep , he spends all of 25 minutes I the morning with the kids . When I walk in the door there is a ton of things for me to get done in less than 15 minutes before they walk to school . Things he could have done while I was on my way home . He sits idle by while I come in and start running around like crazy and refuses to do certain things because he says " you are a female and that is what females do" . He says I am not a good mother and I don't want to take care of the children if I don't do everything he thinks I should . I used to try to keep up with his demands but I ended up in the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack when I was just over stressed. He makes sure his day goes as planned , I am working off of 3 hours of sleep 6 days a week . If we interrupt his routine there is hell to pay. I am every bad name in the book , I tell him I can't do it all and some stuff will have to wait but he throws a fit and there will be no peace unless he can eliminate himself form the daily stresses of having children . I understand his parents were like that and he is the baby and only male child but he is putting to much on me , he doesn't understand that at all. He refuses to hear me , with him my request are unheard . I wrote down my day and he reuses to even take a look at it . He is always to busy making sure he has free time and time to take care of himself. He works out and has a really steady routine. I can't find time to take a shower , workout , do my hair or any thing for my self . I told him I am not happy with the current schedules and he say " what do you want me to do Im at work , I can't do anything " how convenient . He's has the option to change it but he says he likes it and there are no more options for him. I don't believe it. Everything has to be easy and convent for him . We can't have sex unless it's on the weekend , I have complained about this he says what do you want me to do , but I make time for him anytime he wants it . I know he is faithful but inconsiderate . We do have a tight schedule but should I be the one to bear the full burden . He lives life a single man . He tells me that you are a female and that is what they do , so stop complaining , well I'm not complaining I just need help . He refuse to keep up with the bills , do anything with the children , do homework on weekends , go o the doctor with them , everything falls on me . I love being a mom but I am not a single parent . This is where my resentment starts to build. Like i said we both work , I happen to make more than him and i believe he holds that against me . I give all that I have to the family and he makes sure I have nothing no money , he spends what I have left and saves his , I found that out several times. He does not want me to lose any weight , when I do he gives me a hard time . I feel like me and the children are and inconvenience to him. He is wonderful when he wants to fit life in with us but any other time it's a sure non no . I want our family to make it with love but I can't keep on under these conditions . How can I get it to turn around ? My husband has a lot of good things that he used to do but it seems as though he has turned them off and has tunnel vision . I know he has it in him because he did it before . Everything has to be convenient or it's wrong to him. I would like some from he heart advice.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 Hi
Your marriage is making you miserable, you have tried talking and reasoning with him. He wants to control you, he knows he is losing you. You have done all you can to appease him. Time to call it a day.
Get your life in order, see a Lawyer,sort childcare so you can keep your job and even though life will be hard alone as a single parent, there appears to be no other solution. Doubt he will go quietly but ultimately its that or misery from what you describe.
A
female
reader, Hexie40 +, writes (4 June 2012):
Hexie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello , everyone , I wanted to say thanks for all the great advice and I am so happy to have a new outlook on everything in my marriage . This situation has been going on for a very long time and I am getting myself together . Over the last two months I have lost 30 lbs and had a makeover after the posting for you guys advice. I am so excited and I see myself in a different light now.
Well, my reason for this posting is the above update and my husbands behavior . It's horrible , he has become even more insulting and controlling and extremely overbearing . He calls me absolutely to many times a day and gets upset if I am busy. He compliments me like someone is holding a gun to his head and he really does not want to do it . I suggested alternate Saturdays for ourselves and Sunday is family day . Well hats fine when it's his day but when my day comes he calls me every thirty minutes for nothing . On his days I don't call at all cause it's a free day . He has become an even bigger pain and we just end up arguing . He reuses to see my side he told me I don't have a right it be upset about what he does and now he is walking around like he is being victimized.
I am at my happiest when I am not around him , I told him he is making me very unhappy from the way he acts , but he wants me around to ignore me and insul me and he is not happy when I'm not around . He seems to be losing it . I have made up my mind to take care of myself and he really has a problem with it .
We have dish washer because he feels as though since I'm a female all cleaning , cooking , child rearing , bills and everything is only my job on top of he full time job . So yesterday he went off about the dishes not being washed I told him put them in the washer and push the bottn , oh he went off . I ended up telling him I'm , if it's not done I didn't have time , the name calling started . Now , he goes to work and comes home and elects to do nothing , I told them days are over , if it's not done just wait until ne of us has time. There are so many other things that go n while he gone but his main concern is dishes , even f I lad them in the dish washer he still insists I should wash them by hand and continues with the emperor tantrum , I am soooo turned off from him and s are the children we went out hs weeken and I asked the children did they want to wait till next Sunday so dad can go , they said no and asked cold we not bring him with us because of the last family outing he we very mean to all of us to the point of making the children cry . He didn't want to drive far and he wanted to ge home to watch his tv shows so he was rude , Nagy , angry and upset the whole time it was awful .
At this point I am throwing my hands up and focusing on he children and myself . Can anyone advise this situation ...
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A
female
reader, Hexie40 +, writes (24 May 2012):
Hexie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh , Thanks Oldbag , I will put that into serious consideration , cause it has been more than three years and I am exhausted . My husband does not seem to understand the difference in sleeping in the day opposed to over nite . Or maybe he is not that concerned because it is not him and it's not affecting his sleep . Anyway , days over notes is best , I'm looking into it. And thatnks for your concern . In my situation my husband feels as though the whole weekend every weekend should be for him , so our husbands are truly on diffrent pages. Sleep makes all the difference. Thanks Oldbag , for the advice . It is very nice to hear that you guys feel for my situation , it's been a long time since I felt supported for my exhausting efforts. Thanks again , always nice to hear from someone who has been down that road.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (24 May 2012):
Hi
Good that the situations improving and your getting some me time and money. I have worked nights when the kids were small and know how hard it is, I can still recall grabbing a couple of hours sleep between nursery and school runs. My partner used to take over when I headed off to work in the eve and I came back in time for him to go to work in the moring.He had Saturdays with friends for sport or whatever, I didnt mind as he worked damn hard.
He missed me being in bed with him at night,my company in the evening, he missed the brightness of me being alert and happy, so after 3 yrs I changed to a day job and it changed our lives totally for the better.
Do consider it as an option.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2012):
 hi, thank you for your lovely follow up.
Another retort when he acts up - next he will be trying to claim you don't love him, which is not true, is to remind him,
'Darling I love you, i just don't like some of your behavior towards me.' then smile at him. It is good that you are demonstrating to him that you have rights too.
You are doing really well
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, Hexie40 +, writes (23 May 2012):
Hexie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Abella , you are so awesome , I won't feel bad anymore for taking good care of myself , there is nothing wrong with that. How I wish I would have found this site earlier as you guys don't judge and are not quick to say divorce . I love my man but actually I'm starting to see just how selfish he actually is and how trapped I am in his self absorbed ways . Today , even when he said mean things and claimed he didn't I just smiled told him i love him and to have a nice day . He seems confused , like did you hear what I just said to you. Well , I'm gonna stop focusing on him and use that energy for myself and the children .
This weekend me and my best friend are gonna hang out , get our hair done and go to the mall. I'm starting to see how I have put myself on the back burner . That's over now I'm gonna take care of the family including. Myself and still love up own that selfish man of mine , he needs to give me the same rights and freedoms he has . Thanks so much Abella you are great !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2012):
He is a selfish guy for sure.
When you start being assertive it is going to freak him out. Keep up the Good work you are doing.
He has his own issues. But he needs to pack up his over blown EGO and start being a human being.
Next time you want to take two school days off (when the children are at school then just do it. No explanation, no advance warning.
The idea of having the children baby-sat once a week is a good idea.
Sadly it seems that more and more he is forcing on you a situation where he wants all his own way, while you get what ever is left over. Unacceptable on his part.
I am very happy your hair looked so good.
Try to borrow the old film called "Shirley Valentine" as I think you may find it inspiring.
You are on track with retraining your guy
keep up the GOOD work.
if he starts complaining that you are too independant or calls you names then you will know he is rattled.
You are now on the right track.
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A
female
reader, Hexie40 +, writes (23 May 2012):
Hexie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell , hello everyone , I have put some of the advice into action , in example not being so accomadating and taking some time out for myself as well . It seems to have worked for him but he still gives me a problem big time . I went and got my hair done finally and got the hair color I wanted , it looked fabulus and as usual he barley commented on , so ok I used to it , but everyone else who saw it was amazed and so was I .
Now comes the freedom part , he gave me a really hard time for being gone so long to get my hair done and says I don't want to take care of the children when he is home on weekends , he has truly forgot I am up with them all week and weekend sometimes. So , whatever , at that I said ok , well what about next Saturday you have a day and we can go on like that , your Saturday then my Saturday and we have Sunday for the children . Well , that was fine at the time , so Saturday morning when I got off work I came home and he went out with his dad and other things. I made it a point to take the children for the whole day and evening we Left home around 10am and we didn't return until 10:30pm , he was very happy . Now this Saturday is my turn and memorial day is coming up , we are both off , great , but I have two unused days and I wanted to take off the following two days to catch up on some rest while everyone is at work and school. He insults me by saying oh whenever I am off you don't wanna be bothered with the children you leave them with me .
He suggest I take off the days he chooses instead of the ones I want. So I said which days he says Friday instead of tues and wednesday . I asked if school was in session , he got angry even though he is not off that day , I told him I wanna be resting not watching children so if they are off they must go to grandmas house that day that's all . On those two days I wanna catch up on sleep . He says you aren't sleeping any way , in a way he's right I have physical therapy and the children after school but I can still catch a three hour nap in between , I'm ot out having a great time . He does not understand that at all .
I didn't give him a hard time on his free day why is he trying to make my shedule and not allow me a moment of peace .. He says this Saturday he wants us to stay home and watch movies , that's great but let's do it Sunday. Be cause I assure ou on his free day all bets are off . I'm going to take my Saturday , but he has really upset me with the way he is carring on.
It's not easy to ignore , this is the part where I feel trapped into doing everything the way he says it , if I resist ( really just have the same rights) I'm a bad mother etc etc. then after all the hell he raised and upset me , he says ok do it your way. Wow , What can I do .? I can't win with I'm .
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A
female
reader, Hexie40 +, writes (22 May 2012):
Hexie40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella for your advice sounds like a winner , I'm gonna try some of your ideas like easy meal planning and getting the children to do as much as they can. I am going to focus on some of my needs as well and have a little me time ( without his knowledge) he disapproves when ever I do something for myself . Also whatever I can't do I won't and I'll just do it when i can. And maybe I will arrange for the children to go to ma's and we have some time together . Thanks Fusius , I'm going to spice things up a little , cause to be honest everything is routine , I can almost predict it before it happens .Thanks Oldbag , I will cut some days out and just really do a lot less and he can pick up the slack and hopefully he will see how much I am doing . But if he does not that will be fine he will just have to get over it .
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 May 2012):
At this point you are too accomodating. And he is settled and stubborn and determined to allow himself all the time in the world to meet his needs.
Change your own behaviour first. At this point things are arranged so you have no where to find another minute in the day. Are the children old enough to provide more support at home? Fold the washing, help with the dishes, make their own beds. You do not have to so it all.
Occasionally make some easier meals or make meals in advance, serve one third and freeze the other two thirds for two different other day's meals. Life is too short to be the domestic slave while the teens keep themselves busy online.
Can you arrange a day off (don't tell him, make it a surprise after the event)
Go to a day spa, get your hair done, spend it relaxing and smelling the roses. Come home in a new outfit. Surprise him, but don't expect him to change overnight.
Next time you have holidays coming arrange to have the children stay with a relative and spend more one on one time together. Because right now the two of you are not alone enough together.
He's missing the intimacy, he's settled into a routine that no longer excites him (at home) so he goes to the gym to get his highs.
But he is also sexist, unapproeciative and inconsiderate. Time to be more assertive and less accomodating of his need for leisure and pleasure while you work your fingers to the bone. You are not getting enough sleep. If this keeps up and your health fails then how will the family cope without you? He needs to face reality - the reality that he is unrealistic about what he is prepared to give and how much he expects you to give.
Marriage is 50:50 NOT 20:80
Tell him what he is doing that is hurting you, tell him how it makes you feel and tell him how you want things to change for the better in the future.
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, fusius75  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 Plan a holiday together and get him involved in all the decision making
sounds like everything is too ho hum for him
and change your hair colour and be a little adventurous as he thinks he know everything there is to know about you
.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 May 2012):
HiIt sounds like a total reorganisation of your lives is required here.Do you really need to work nights,6 nights a week is a ridiculous amount when you have children. I know because I worked 4 nights with only a few hours sleep and it made me ill. So I got a day job and it changed the whole routine of our lives.If your husband works also do you need all the money you must earn between you or can you afford to work less hours?Your husband clearly does not grasp how hard it is to be awake, working 6 nights and running a home. Are your children old enough to do more to help, are they capable of doing some chores?Tackle your husband,away from the home, no distractions, tell him you are near the end of your tether that you want to save the marriage,that he needs to understand your tired out. STOP doing everything to keep him happy.STOP giving all your pay to the budget.Take some to treat you.Let him know how selfish he is in no uncertain termsDo you ever have family time, days out, meals together? Or is it you or him coming in from work or going out to work?
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