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female
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anonymous
writes: Can i take on his debt? My boyfriend and i have been through a troubled 5 months. Earlier in the year he decided he'd had enough of being a family and wanted to enjoy himself, and live the batchelor life for a while. Throughout this time he ran up £10,000 on his credit cards. He is now maxed up on all his cards and has decided he still loves me and wants me back, and for us to be a family. However the debt he has run up is going to make things financially difficult to keep our family home. He doesn't see it this way, as he has no concept of money at all. He thinks we could just remortgage, but as i am going to be working part-time when i return to work from maternity leave there is no way we could borrow the value of our home when our mortgage deal runs out. I have spoken to him about this but he has always hated me 'stressing' about money, and just changes the subject. If we had a solid relationship we could fight through the money problems together but because he left me and our children earlier in the year, he could do it again. I am not sure if i should be putting up with the debts he has brought to the household when i could be better off as a single parent. I do love him but is that enough?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 May 2006):
 I can answer this question from two points of view. About ten years ago I used to work in housing welfare services and heard many debt stories such as the one you have posted. From a personal perspective, I used to live with a man who had similar debts and attitude.
Being a family man is about being a mature, responsible individual and your man just isn't. He has already left you to take care of the child on your own while he went and lived the high life. He is back because he is out of money, but why should you put yourself (and your personal credit rating) in danger of losing the house etc because of his silly behaviour. I eventually kicked out my partner because he run up huge debts on a credit card while he was unemployed, had a hideous student loan and left job after job. In the meantime, I was juggling 3 jobs while completing my clinical psychology doctorate course just to pay the mortgage and bills. He decided that after living together for 3 years we should 'marry' (in hindsight I was an attractive prospect having just qualified and having property), and I was very fond of him so contemplated it for a while. I organised a good job for him at a Uni. to clear his debts but he just never turned up for the first day of work thus embarrassing me with my colleagues, and walked out of his degree course at the same time. It was the straw breaking the camel's back...I threw him out and it was justified as he got in all sorts of financial trouble since then involving the police and debt agencies as they keep looking for him at my address. So, if you are thinking of taking him back you should say to him if you love me and your child then you will sort out your financial mess on your own, and then once you have proved you love me by doing so you can come back. Remember that love alone doesn't pay the bills and you have a child to worry about now as well as yourself.
Don't let him remortgage your home if it is in joint names or your name - I had a lot of homeless families coming to me 2 years after they had that 'bright idea' to clear other debt. He needs to see a debt counsellor but that is not your problem, point him in the right direction but you have your hands full with your child and you don't need another big kid to look after.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): It sounds like he is only back for someone to help pay his bills to me. I would tell him to get a second part time job or something, as 10k is alot of money. How did he manage to spend all that in a few months?!?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): *NO*Please don't take him back. He was selfish enough to abandon you and his kids to 'enjoy himself, and live the batchelor life'. I'm sure he wants to come back to you so you will share this financial burden with hi. IT IS VERY EVIDENT. Please let him go... for the sake of your kids... you don't need this.
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