A
male
age
51-59,
*oveLost4Ever
writes:I'm married and fell in love with another woman. It was a deep love that I never felt or can explain. Although cheating and leaving went against everything I believed in, I truly felt I found my soul mate. I never felt my chest and heart in every decisions I made, this was not about sex, I wish it was. And she felt the same way. We planned a life together if I could figure out how to get out of my marriage without destroying my wife and protecting the kids. After a year, when confronted with the choice, I had to choose my kids. I felt I could not leave them and I had to do what was right. My heart has been broken ever since and I hurt the person I loved as well as my wife who I owe so much to. It was the only thing I did right in my entire 1 year affair but nonetheless it destroys me every day as I try to make my wife happy while I can't help but to think about the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I made a decision to stay because it was the right thing to do and best for my kids. I know I need to do more than just stay but my question is, how? I've been married almost 20 years, I'm not stupid. I know what love is. I am in Love with this other woman and I wonder if I will ever get over her and how to get over her. I also wonder if the feeling I had for her can ever be replaced or is it easier to just forget those feelings?
View related questions:
affair, fell in love, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): I haven't read all the other comments so forgive me if what I say isn't new. I don't think we always can get over someone, especially if they really were your soulmate. some times you meet someone who is the right person for you, just that it is the wrong place and time. Maybe in another life you were soul mates and your souls recognized each other in this one.the cliche response is 'oh it's was just a fling' may be true, may not. I believe in looking inwards for the answer. what if she really was 'the one'? How can you ever be the same after you have met the other half of yourself?maybe asking 'how will I get over her' isn't exactly the right question. Maybe you never will get over her. maybe instead you should ask yourself "what can I do to lessen my pain now, and into the future". that way you can honor your true feelings if she was indeed 'the one', which you never get over completely...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): "I see divorce as the easy route out. "No, your affair was the easy route out and you took it. Divorce is when you have the courage to make public what your private words and private actions away from other people's eyes, have already done.You see, there's 2 sides to every coin. Yes, many people jump to divorce as the first resort. But, those who stay married and have affairs, are doing even worse, IMO. They have become traitors and betrayers of trust. That is not something that happens in an honest divorce. An affair shows how broken a marriage is (healthy marriages don't just suddenly have adultery in them) and is often more devastating to the other spouse than if you were to die. It is betrayal of the worst kind, in a marriage.If you want to stay married, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and not because it's the more comfortable route, or the one that allows you to think of yourself as "still a good person". No one wants to think of themselves as a "bad person" but when this need takes precedence and affects other people, it's larger than just you. Make sure you stay married because it is a healthy relationship for you and your wife mutually, and not because you have this idea that "only bad people divorce, and I don't want to be seen as a bad person, therefore I will not divorce". In the end, what's important is that you have a genuine, loving, non-harmful relationship with your wife. it is totally possible to stay married and have the opposite of this. You have already had an affair not just physical but emotional, which was very "deep" in the sense that you felt a powerful emotional connection to the other woman even to the point of wanting to grow old with her. I don't know if this was infatuation or real, but a marriage cannot continue on as if THIS didn't happen. You MUST address with your wife the fact that you have not felt with her what you felt with another woman. What will you do to try and feel this way about your wife? What will she do to try and foster these feelings in you? What if you never feel this way with your wife, then what? Statistically speaking, many marriages do not recover from affairs, and for good reason, because the betrayed spouse often can never fully trust and where there is no trust, there will be no intimacy. You would do well to go to marital counseling to work through the aftermath of your affair both for yourself and your wife. You had an affair, and you felt that the other woman was the one you wanted to grow old with. Could this be the truth? and so what if it is? The fact that you felt this way about another woman shows that something was seriously lacking in your marriage, or maybe it was never there to begin with. You are not just rebuilding a relationship from scratch with your wife, you are staying from a broken heap or rubble. Dont' underestimate how incredibly difficult this is to do.People love to say marriage is about commitment. They make it sound as if how you feel does not matter, only what you do. That kind of thinking destroys so many lives and misleads so many people's spouses. Commitment without love is self-serving (done to preserve a self-image of being a 'good person') and empty. could it be that this is how you ended up falling in love with another? because you never had a true love with your wife, only a dutiful commitment?there are many ways to stay married: happily, unhappily, ambivalently. The ones who are unhappy and ambivalent always eventually find and slip into an escape route, whether it is through (another) affair, alienating their spouse, or eventually by leaving anyway but after doing even more damage.it is your choice to stay married or divorce, but realize that how you end up making your wife feel over the long run is also important. You can be physically present and emotionally distant and this is incredibly hurtful to the other person. Some of the loneliest people are those who are married.I'm not outright encouraging you to leave your wife. I just want to echo the other commenters who have said that the important thing is to live an honest life and to be genuine and authentic, and not just what you think makes you "look good" to other people. Don't be a fake, and don't manipulate. so far what you have written sounds like you realized a part of you is missing as a result of being married to your wife, and you are only staying married because you want to feel that you are being dutiful, and because you don't want to be judged for having divorced.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): OP you already failed your wife!?!?!?! My question to you IS :
If the exact situation exactly, happened in the reverse, your wife did exactly what you did, How would you feel? What would you do? If she stayed because she should at least TRY to make it work and TRY to love you as she does her 'soulmate' would that be good enough for you? Or would you always think how could she, and how heartbroken would you be that you are second? Of course she will TRY for the sake of he famly....
Doesnt sound appealing right? Think about that because you still seem confused about whats right and wrong and seem to not FEEL accountable for you lies and cheating to your family, to the woman of your children the soulmate you married.... Well keep us posted
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): You cannot get out of your marriage scot free without hurting your wife and kids. You created this mess, you cannot expect a nice clean exit as if nothing happened. But staying married is probably hurting them more because of the blatant dishonesty involved. The more honorable thing to do (short of never having had an affair to begin with) is to leave your marriage no matter how much it hurts her. It is not ideal but its time to own up to the problem you made. Work out how to still be a family without you being married to your kids' mother. The worst thing a married man can do to his family is be abusive or have an affair. You're already past this.The next worst thing a married man can do is to stay and be disingenuous in his marriage, putting on a facade trying to avoid the guilt and condemnation that is due to him as a result of his actions which led to the destruction of the marriage. You seem to have made one bad decision after another. Perhaps you could benefit from talking to a counselor to help you live a more honest life rather than trying to fix one problem with another and dragging everyone along with you on a roller coaster ride.
...............................
A
male
reader, LoveLost4Ever +, writes (8 June 2013):
LoveLost4Ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say that I see this differently. I see divorce as the easy route out. Both my wife and me see that. I was of the mind that the easy thing to do would be get a divorce and the kids will be fine. I looked around me and started to think society seems pretty open to divorce, even kid shows have divorce paretns on them now. That kind of thought process allowed me to do what I did and plan for a divorce. I was fine with it. But reality sank in. And the easy thing to do is divorce, the hard thing to do is to make it right. I have incentive to make it right, the children and my wife is incentive. They are the reason to try and find a way to rebuild a relationship. Divorce should be the last option and I was not thinking that way. A reader stated you can't always get what you want and I guess you have to define what you want. I was selfish and wanted to feeling forever and I didn't care who I hurt to get it. What I realized that I became a selfish person and I needed to sacrifice that feeling at least for the short term. Nothing would please me more than to have that feeling with the person I promised to stay with for the rest of my life. Divorce is easy, breaking the promise wasn't, especially when she was committed to trying and forgiving me. Yes, I have been depressed and outright sick and I know that can't last. The one reader says the first thing to do is truly let the other person go and I'm doing that. He's 100% right. That isnt easy. Right now, Divorce is still easier than that but I owe it to my family to try. I appreciate everyones' feedback and its amazing how different the world looks from other peoples eyes. It was my wife who was the one who said, its easy to walk out on me right now but she wants to fight to keep our family together. When she said that I realized she shouldn't be the only one fighting and it also meant that I was the one destroying it if she was trying to save it. That wasn't my vision years ago, my vision was to raise a family. So many people say being a dad isn't the same as being a husband and I totally agree, but its certainly a good incentive to be a good husband even if its not easy at the moment. So thats my plan. I asked if I will ever get over the person I loved, my answer now is, Yes, because I don't have a choice and I have a family to raise and a wife to love and its time to get back to work and be a man. If I fail my wife, it wont be because I didn't try.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): Since you've chosen to stay with your wife you'll just have to learn to let go of the other woman. It may take years but you can do it as long as you don't slip back into having contact with her. We can't have everything we want in life. There is more to life than a romantic relationship. However I'm not going to kid you and say just put energy back into reigniting the spark in your marriage. That might work if your mind wasn't consumed with thoughts of another woman. I think its too late to reignite anything with your wife. The time to do that would have been before you went and developed a full relationship with your mistress. And besides if you now try to reignite the marriage it is only because you're trying to fill the void left by the other woman and lessen your own personal distress, which is a self centered way of living and isn't the right way to be treating your wife anyway (like a consolation prize) . The first thing is to let go of the other woman. This will take a long time, could be years. When you no longer feel anything for her then you can try to work on your marriage. But it is near impossible to work on your marriage while your heart still pines for someone else. Now how does your wife feel being married to a guy who is longing for another woman but staying out of some sense of charity? If I were her I would be insulted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): What makes you think staying with your wife was the right thing to do for your kids? Your kids are not your wife. They are separate entities. You do not have the same relationship with your kids as you would with an adult female intimate partner. So why do you make them into a package deal? It isn't.I think you lack the courage to do what many people already do every day: get divorced, face the fall out, take responsibility for your role in the breakdown of the marriage, absorb the anger and hurt of your wife and family, then move on and start the slow journey to rebuild a new life with new daily routines where you don't live in the same house as your kids every day. Whether it involves a new woman in your life is secondary. The point is to not be lying to everyone and merely playing a role rather than actually living it as your family assumes you are. Of course it is hard to take the divorce route. I don't blame you for being scared and unwilling to do it but you know what? It is at least living HONESTLY and being AUTHENTIC. Right now you are being a big fake. You're being a fake to your wife and to your kids. All because you're too afraid to he honest and face the consequences of honesty. Well I think what you're doing now is not the right thing. You have chosen the path of least resistance. It is the "easier " thing for the short term as you have chosen to simply not rock the boat by revealing your true feelings and shaking up everyone else's life. How much longer you gonna keep this up and be a fake to everyone? The toll it will take on yourself is incalculable. You will find yourself slipping into depression. Hopefully you wont turn to alcohol or drugs to cope but many do. Why don't you get some courage and live honestly. Your wife will be fine. Don't kid yourself that she will die if you divorce her, you are not that powerful. Give her more credit than that, sheesh. Your kids will be fine if you and your wife stay focused on your relationship to them and leave each other out of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (6 June 2013):
I tried to send you a private message. You are not set up. Don't get discouraged with what people are saying. My husband's side of the family barely has a relationship with me anymore. We have to do the right things for the kids. They are good to my kids. That is all that matters. The are friendly with me but not like they use to be.
...............................
A
male
reader, LoveLost4Ever +, writes (6 June 2013):
LoveLost4Ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou can try clicking on this for a private reply.
...............................
A
male
reader, LoveLost4Ever +, writes (6 June 2013):
LoveLost4Ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again. I intend to be a good dad and never abandon them, im sorry that happened to you, ive seen it too many times and i dont want to be that person. Thank you for sharing that and im glad you are in a happier place.
As for contacting me privately, i think you can by clicking on my user name? I have never been on this site before so that is a guess. Im dying to talk to someone who has been through this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Ok OP, I was not intending to make light of what you really believe you feel for this other married woman. ( I am the first responder of this quest)I just have a hard time empathizing with your " pain and heartbreak", because dont you think this is how your wife feels? You broke her heart, sad. You're unhappy and heartbroken, sad. Its all sad. I am not unkind or unfeeling, in fact I am too kind, too empathazing....this is an awful spot you have gotten yourself into, your family and apparently an entirely other family as well. I understand not expecting it i understand really but when married you divert your attention to your family, temptation is everehere and the possiblity to fall in love with another is ALWAYS there. You fell out of a marriage contract out of the promise of monogomy to death till us part, better OR worse....infedility is never right you just should have left before involving yourself is all, what answer can I possibly give you? How can i say how you can forget your true love? My only snswer dounds harsh, forget your soulmate as you forgot your wife in all that, she was easy to forget, right? Sorry for your self inflicted pain. Hope you find peace here forward and you make right for everyone including yourslf, we all make mistakes, so have I i am not trying o throw stones just giving it straightup. Ps i am a middleaged divorced woman, yes he left me for another " soulmate" and yes he married her, forgot both me and his daughter, kudos for him and his happiness....from this end, we dont like you guys very much. But honestly after a few yrs i came to the rslizaion it was the greatest gift he could have given me, i am now truly happy and found my soulmate....he will have o deal with his wrongs with god, i dont even remember my married life anymore. But when i hear this crap i cant help but put a mirror to reflect how poor a decision to cheat and destroy a family is. The pain influcted on the spouse is nothing, but its the kids that s uffer endlessly for generations, thats the doing of the cheater, the destroyer of young spirits. Thats what makes me bitter, the pain and abandonment my daughter faces daily in her life, her poor choices in men the constant looking for daddy not to leave in her male relationships....this is whats left of your decision, make it right, not by staying but being a great greAt dad and have a great friendship with the soon to be ex wife rebuild trust in a friendship based relationship that is hat you could do to make it right. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I believe I will always love this man. I believe that he is my soul mate. There is an empty space in which it will never be filled. That for me will never change.I also have taken counseling to assist me to be a better wife, mother, person in general. I have come to a realization that I am the only one to "flick that switch" and make my actions different.I also recognize that I'm a very lucky woman. I'm blessed with amazing kids and a spouse who sees only the best in me.....even when I don't. You are a lucky guy to have a wife who is so forgiving. But if you and I are anything alike, we will always miss the other half of us.Good Luck again, I still wish we could still have that conversation. I'm sure we would shake our heads at each other!
...............................
A
male
reader, LoveLost4Ever +, writes (5 June 2013):
LoveLost4Ever is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all. I like the honest answers. My wife does know about the affair and I felt that was important in moving forward. (To the person who has been out of her relationship for a year, I wish I could talk to you as well. I am wondering if you really get over it.)I know you can't stay in a marriage without your whole heart and I'm trying to find it and I am going to a counselor as well. When I saw what the concept of leaving did to my wife and the potential impact on the kids, I needed to find a way to stay and to make her happy. Someone wrote that I don't deserve my wife, that is true on a lot of levels. I tried justifying to myself that she deserves to find someone who truly loves her. This is why I planned to leave. But its not that easy, I couldn't take the devastation factor on her and I couldn't take the potential pain it would be on the kids. Everyone says don't stay because of the kids but I do think I Need to try.I want to talk so bad to the person I have ended it with. She too was married by the way. I want to tell her how I feel about her and I want to know how she is doing but I'm afraid of derailing her and keeping her from moving on. I'm also very afraid of hurting my wife even more knowing she would not want me to have the conversation with her.There is mention about infatuation and the newness of the relationship and I get all that. I wondered that every step of the way for a year. I was not unhappy in my marriage and looking, it just happened and this relationship made me feel something I never remember feeling. Someone mentioned that this is the same old story and she is probably right, its nothing unique and I need to get over it, however, its hard to get over feelings that you never knew you had the capacity to have. I denied it to myself for so long but I truly fell in love with this other woman. For whatever reason, she completed me and I feel like we knew each other for a lifetime. I had visions of being old together, I don't think that's common in an affair when its just lust or infatuation, maybe it is. I actually pictured her old and me holding her hand and its a joy I never imagined before. My wife is a special person and truly incredible and I feel insane for not being in love with her so I'm at the point where I owe it to her to find a way to truly love her or make her feel loved. I plan on working with a counselor to do that because she does truly love me and I do owe it to her. I try not to think of the other person but a wave of despair hits me without notice. I never experienced that type of pain before and its new to me. Since its new to me, I wonder if I will ever get over it. Its a wave that travels through my body and I hate it like nothing else. I want it to end. Its also what I use as motivation to stay with my wife because I don't want her to feel this way. I don't want anyone to feel this, certainly not her. Thanks again for the feedback.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): I wish I could actually sit and chat with you about this in person! I too have been in the same boat. I fell in love with another man. I had an affair that lasted a couple of years. I too came back because of my children. My husband knows the truth about the whole dirty affair. He has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. My husband deserves so,so much more than I have ever given him. I have not seen or heard from him in over a year. I'm haunted by my decision everyday. I miss him deeply. I see him in my dreams. So many people have suffered at my greedy hands. I agree with the other writers, but I can't help feeling what my heart feels. He was/is like no other for me. We will never know if we have made the right decision for all involved. Like the suffering I have created, I also suffer. I truly love my kids and I wanted what is best for them. I hope we made the right decision.I only wish you the best and hope that you know someone else feels the way you do. You are not alone. Good Luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): I cant see how you can make a marriage work when your heart is not in it. Did you not marry a woman you loved? As long as your heart lies somewhere else it will be very difficult to make this marriage work. Did you consider a seperation and try and establish when both are out of sight which one you really want to be with?Its not fair on either woman, one you broke promises as you planned a life together and to your wife as you will never love her the way she should be loved. Staying for the kids is an excuse as the previous aunt said, being a father and being a husband are two different things and you need to have the courage and do right by one of the woman. Sounds like if you stay with the wife that will never happen.Like I said take a break from both woman and then make a decision on what your heart tells you, assuming the one you broke promises will still have you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Wasn't there a time when you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your wife and that's why you married her? And now this new spark of a women is the women you want to spend the rest of your life with?Please...you could not possibly know this until you got to know her really well, and unless you were completely neglecting your wife and kids for a year of this crap, I doubt you have anything but infatuation for this women because you had been at that, "best foot forward stage" the entire time.Yes, you almost did the right thing. Go see a counselor if you are so upset over this. 20 years is a long time to throw away. How about putting your energy into igniting that flame again you had with your wife 20 years ago. I highly suspect you have both gotten lazy and stale and do not put the effort into keeping that spark going...all too common, so you start to look for something better... I'm glad you cut it off. It's not a great life for impressionable kids to grow up having a role model who teaches them fake morals and values and dishonoring a marriage and family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Dear OP, I feel what your saying but I have to disagree with your view point. When involved emotionally with one person you cannot be 100% available to the other. Being there for your kids is NOT the same as staying married to someone who you dont love anymore? i never understood how does someoen fall out of love? You didnt try in your marriage thus it fell apart, any NEW relationship feels great and fresh and lustful and butterflies in the tummy, you know in LOOOOVE, no not love, rebound lust, if in fact you are in LOVE with this new woman you are very unfair to your wife completely, leave, be a great dad and marry this other woman. If I'm in fact wrong and you are actually in lovewith this new woman then make her make her an honest woman and marry her. Let your wife get a non cheating man and not take your left over crumbs of like and not love. Move on, let your wife find true love and happiness and you can have yours. But pkease please please keep me posted let me know how this works out a few yrs down the road, maybe I can learn something new. Maybe men who cheat to find love and leave their families maybe they arent hapy maybe they werent in love with the first wofe, but then she deserves to be able to find her true soulmate too, somehow you dont see this is the same old stupid story thats been beat into the bush...do you really think your so different thananyone else this happened too? Maybe and possibly It is true love, but believe me you have done wrong on so many fronts its hard to be nice....i always believed if you fall out of love or start to have intrest in a new pwrson outside a marriage and you dont want or there is no way to change or fix your relationship then divorce and be free...you dnt cause destruction in the path then think ur so great for doing the "right" thing by staying for thr kids...Being a dad and being a husband are independent of eachother so this crap you feed your brain is just that it s a damn way to make yourself feel better about the destruction you have caused. The right thing would be letting your wife go and be a grat dad, then do whatever you wish, dont be selfish . Sorry this is my answer you need a verbal smack....i dont fault y ou for falling in cough, cough 'love' with someonesle its how ou did it and what you did afterwards which to me is horrible. Your poor wife, you dont deserve her at all. Good luck
...............................
|
