A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone..i have an issue, thought i should get some opinions on it to help clear my head a bit. i'm 18, i've been with my guy for just over a year now. seems young but im sure that im in love with him, he really does mean the world to me. however, i have very strong moral standards and he doesnt. i guess im a little 'old fashioned' regarding the kind of movies i will watch and music i listen to etc, i'm not totally closed to everything but i really hate films with strong sexual content or drug use or extremely controversial storylines. he on the other hand has no problem with any of it. i know that a lot of you will be thinking that i should just let him live how he wants and i live how i want but i this stuff really bothers me and i dont want to remain in a relationship that ends up broken because of our differences. an extreme example would be if i were to end up marrying him and having a family the differences in morals will be very evident and difficult then. for now, when we're not together all the time it can be overlooked. this really does bother me as i've always thought that matching moral standards in a relationship is key. but i cant imagine my life without him and i really do love him. anyone got any thoughts? i have tried to talk to him before but he just doesnt understand the issue at all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): thank you for your answers, especially murph :) was a very helpful answer, and i knew from the fact that i teared up reading the other answers that im definitely not ready to move on! i spoke to him again and made sure this time that he knew it was something i really wanted to talk about, and he was fab about it and said he really wants us to work this out and believes we can :) thank you for your advice
A
male
reader, Murph  +, writes (10 February 2009):
Good news! You aren't married yet! In fact you aren't even that old... Why do I say that?I agree with everyone here, including you, that matching moral standards is very important. You should not marry someone whom you cannot meet with over these key points of your life. At some point you have to figure out if these differences will make living and dealing with this person on a daily basis intolerable.But what I haven't seen here is the thought that a good relationship is one where both people grow and learn from each other. Have you at least questioned some of your beliefs and standards? Have you noticed him doing the same? I wouldn't forget to consider that at 18 you have room to grow and learn.Our beliefs are just that: beliefs. They aren't hard and fast rules that every person has to hold about everything. With due respect, sometimes our beliefs are are malleable and sometimes irrational and unfounded. You are still young, have many experiences yet to see and hear and do and how you see things may very well change over time. Try again to talk to your boyfriend about why he sees things the way he does and explain to him about why you see things the way you do. If he doesn't understand, just be honest and direct about what you are getting at. Don't talk to him about "I noticed we see things differently" rather refer to specific subjects and ask "why do you think that babe?"Take your time and enjoy what you have with your present boyfriend, don't worry about marriage yet. Try and learn from him and keep an open mind, but you should expect the same from him. Relationships are, after all, two way streets. If you two just can't see eye to eye on things eventually, you should consider moving up and on.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 February 2009):
You are right that this can be a deal breaker, and although you love him, you may just have to accept that he is not the one for you long term.
It's up to you whether you stay with him for now or whether you'd rather not be with someone just as a stop gap.
It's fine if you are more uptight about things. As long as you are accepting that this kind of thing happens and some people enjoy it and want to know about it then that is fine. There are a lot of people who just don't want that level of realism in their life, and the whole point of our society is that you get to choose to live in a little bubble / get down and dirty with it / anywhere in between.
There will be a guy out there for you, this one may be lovely but just not THAT guy.
Good Luck!! xx
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