A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for almost a year now and I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. When something goes wrong, he never wants to sit down and talk about things. He becomes angry and defensive which leads us to nowhere. When I suggest solutions, he wants none of it. We spend days not talking, then we become intimate and then we go back to being angry. This cycle is driving me insane.Now the issues have piled up and I am starting to resent him as I think I can't talk to him about important things. Sometimes I feel as though he actually hates me but he is stuck. I am starting to mirror these perceptions since we never talk or sort things out.What is my best foot forward. We have a young son.P.s sometimes, when I have wronged him, he has gone to talk to other people instead of me. I don't know what's going on anymore
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male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (26 July 2017):
 I think for some reason the two of you are happy at putting up with each other, he thinks you're wrong and he might be right as you even all most saying your becoming like him, he goes to talk about you to others instead of talking to you, there is not much reason to stay anymore just the fear to have to take the first step,Children are never a good reason to stay together as they can see often what we can't even see for ourselves and it does them damage to grow up in an unhappy home, with two parents fighting when they could grow up sharing one week with each but being happier, a very good friend and her husband never had children because she said she did not want to end up like her parents
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): This is how he operates and you need to think about where your cut off point is!While he is heading else where and slagging you off he probably expects you to consult no one.Talk to your doctor to arrange counselling support for yourself.Its a big step for you but as you are heading into murky waters with strong currents you need some lifesaving conversations and explanations under your belt.It can be soul-destroying to put everything in to a relationship only to discover that you were never really liked or accepted and other people believe a whole lot of lies about you.Literally your whole world and your entire belief systems can come crashing down and if you have no alternative thought framework it can leave you at the bottom of an emotional sea without air and no method to surface.Tell yourself that you come first as does your responsibility to your child.He is clearly capable of seeking outside support from others while refusing to acknowledge your opinions or sentiments or feelings and he will gaslight you as well.Remembering the old scout motto of 'be prepared' you need to start being open to a health worker or close family member about why your marriage is stressing you and how it is affecting your health.You are wearing a ring, not lead chains, so get to work on this first step towards saving your life so that you can be there for your son!
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A
female
reader, Intuitive Becky  +, writes (25 July 2017):
 Breathe???? you can sort this. You need to look into your heart to see what is true, you know. Following our own advice is scarey & means we have to step out of our comfort zone but this doesn't have to be bad. Who says there has to be a time limit on this, you lovely lady can take as long as you need - do not rush. Your a mother giving all day long, give some time to you when you can. I know how hard this can be but it's what you must do now. Also remember the story of the hunter...that is a mans natural tendency to hunt....remember when you first met & he chased you? Maybe now he feels the pressure of hunting for the family. You said you know he is stuck....I believe there is another matter on his mind & this is not your fault. ??????
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (25 July 2017):
 The two of you do not seem compatible.
I agree with the other aunts that say that you may need a mediator although that does not always work. Why? because he will feel attacked and blindsided by it (trust me, I've tried it before). Especially with how defensive he gets, he will become highly defensive in the moment so you need to think that through as to whether that is the best option for you.
Were these problems there before the two of you married or are they just showing up now?
Look OP, if nothing works with this guy, you may have to get a divorce because defensive people are toxic. They can change your life and not for the better. In fact, they make living with them unbearable. You need to decide whether you want to grow to genuinely hate him because that's what's going to happen. It's very hard to rid yourself of feelings of resentment once they're there.
Since seeing you're the better communicator in the relationship, you should approach him with what bothers you. Don't approach with 'when YOU do this/that, I feel...' because guess what? He will feel the need to defend himself right away. Try 'when WE... I feel...' that way you acknowledge your own role in the situation. Try different exercises to try to get him to open up.
He seems more like he is working against you than he is with you. Again, I've experienced someone like this. He's a manipulator because guess how you're looking in the eyes of the people that he's talking to about what goes on between the two of you? You guessed it, not good at all. The thing is that he may also blame you for everything which is another means of manipulation which will make you feel as though you just need to fix yourself and everything else will fall in to place but that is not it at all.
You need to assess your relationship and see whether it is worth it to go through the rest of your life alongside someone like him, that is, if nothing else works.
Good luck OP.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (25 July 2017):
The two of you do not seem compatible.
I agree with the other aunts that say that you may need a mediator although that does not always work. Why? because he will feel attacked and blindsided by it (trust me, I've tried it before). Especially with how defensive he gets, he will become highly defensive in the moment so you need to think that through as to whether that is the best option for you.
Were these problems there before the two of you married or are they just showing up now?
Look OP, if nothing works with this guy, you may have to get a divorce because defensive people are toxic. They can change your life and not for the better. In fact, they make living with them unbearable. You need to decide whether you want to grow to genuinely hate him because that's what's going to happen. It's very hard to rid yourself of feelings of resentment once they're there.
Since seeing you're the better communicator in the relationship, you should approach him with what bothers you. Don't approach with 'when YOU do this/that, I feel...' because guess what? He will feel the need to defend himself right away. Try 'when WE... I feel...' that way you acknowledge your own role in the situation. Try different exercises to try to get him to open up.
He seems more like he is working against you than he is with you. Again, I've experienced someone like this. He's a manipulator because guess how you're looking in the eyes of the people that he's talking to about what goes on between the two of you? You guessed it, not good at all. The thing is that he may also blame you for everything which is another means of manipulation which will make you feel as though you just need to fix yourself and everything else will fall in to place but that is not it at all.
You need to assess your relationship and see whether it is worth it to go through the rest of your life alongside someone like him, that is, if nothing else works.
Good luck OP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): Did you have your son before or after you got married?
If before; then yes, he may feel trapped and very resentful of you. His only reason being there may be for the child.
If after, he may not have been ready to be a father. He feels pressured. If he doesn't earn sufficient income to support his family; and feels stress from finances, he's going to be a bear to live with.
Talking about it may bring out some answers you don't want to hear. I think Fatherly Advice's suggestion is a excellent idea.
When a man clams-up and won't discuss his marital-problems, it's because he has things to say; but he can't word them without sounding horrible. It's useless expressing his true feelings; if you get highly emotional and angry. Why talk when you get a terrible reaction from the listener? His job is stressful, his family-life is in conflict; so all he can do is bottle it up, until he blows-up! That isn't safe for you or your child. You shouldn't have to dance on eggshells either!
Chances are, you rushed into marriage when he wasn't really ready; and a child came along sooner than he expected. How would a father sound saying that? I can only speculate. I feel there is a back-story you haven't shared.
A mediator is trained to monitor and referee discussions between partners. They are useless if both parties are not equally-committed and willing to workout the marriage.
If he still won't open-up and refuses to see a mediator, get your legal ducks in a row. You will have to file for divorce, alimony, and child-support.
What use is a marriage between two people who are always fighting in-front of an innocent child? The tension affects children from the time they're toddlers on. They hear the shouting and sense the anger. If a child cries a lot and has night-terrors, they may be more aware of what's going on than you think! Even if you sit in a room and don't say a word to each other; a child over three years old knows you are angry at each other. They know by comparison of how you look when they do bad things. It scares them. Don't say you don't fuss when they're around, they can hear through walls!
Angry people aren't always aware of the volume or reverberations of their arguments. Hostility and negative attitudes send out nasty vibes that anyone within a few feet of you will pickup. Children are hypersensitive; people underestimate what they see and figure-out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2017): I think it may stem from emotional immaturity.
He doesn't know or can't deal with issues or communicate or handle conflict. He needs help in being able to verbalize his thoughts and feelings.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 I would suggest a mediator until you can work out this communication problem. Friend, parent, clergy, or marriage counselor. Anger issues are dangerous, be careful.
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