A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 20 months now. I honestly believe he wholeheartedly loves me and only me now. However, we may have met at a not so good time, he just broke up with his first gf of 5 years for 3 months. We were also not so serious in the beginning, I still date and flirt with other guys when go out. Anyway, he met his ex again in a mutual friend's party 6 months after we met and of course they slept together. They (ex and mutual friend) also came over visiting him for a weekend after that. He told me everything honestly afterwards, I was not sad at all by that time as I was not in love with him. We decided to stop, but he suggested that we should just hang out as he really love all the fun we had. For me, I suggested maybe we should just have sex, as I have quite a high sex drive. (we always joke now about that time, how I was like the "man" in our relationship haha). So basically, we could not reach an agreement and said maybe we should just stop all contact. But as we had a lot fun together, we really missed each other. He texted me during a football game to chat me up (as he knew I must be watching too) after one week of no contact, but I ignored him and he kept texting for hours till I could not stand it anymore and finally replied. So we started like before again, but he was still not clear about what he wanted. I could completely understand what he was going through, as I have been through more or less same situation just a year before his break up, so I did not force him at all. Then two and half months later, he suddenly told me again he was still unsure about what he wants, so we tried to stop again. But at that point, I noticed that I started falling for this guy. Also for him too, he said he probably love me at that point and felt very sad telling me all those things, but he really wanted to sort out his mind first, so he could be fair to me.Then same as before, after a week, we could not stand it anymore how much we miss all our fun chats and jokes together. Our relationship started becoming more and more serious, though things we did were same as before (dine out, movies, study together, etc), feelings changed. We became more and more intimate and share more about our personal things and feelings.But two months later when I was home half the globe away, I could sense he was a bit strange when we skype. My woman instinct was correct, his ex suggested visiting him with a mutual friend of them. It was the first time I felt devastated and I knew I do love him at that time, I must either leave or he made his mind up. I was very hurt that he did not turn his ex down and let her sleeping in the same room with him. Even though it was with another friend too, I felt very uncomfortable about his ex sleeping in his room.After that visit, he told me he finally realized he did not have any feelings for his ex anymore and told me to trust him and be his girlfriend. I thought I could get over all those leaving and back again thing, but as time passed, I know that I have never forgiven him for letting his ex stay over and all those mess before. I tried reasoning for his mistake, like he was always being honest about things and never wanted to hurt me. And he took around one year to finally realize things between him and his ex are passed, which is already shorter than what I used for my first bf. It was just that we did not meet at a good time. But no matter how hard I tried, all those mess just haunted me and made me feel very insecure about our relationship, namely his ex. I was always angry at him, I guess because unconsciously I wanted him to pay for what he did to me, which was very unhealthy. We were almost at the edge of breaking up just 5 months after we were officially together, I made him cry which I regretted very much. (first time he cried in front of anyone according to him and he has never been that sad before) but we had a very honest talk and he realized why I was always unhappy and angry, he said he was very sorry for all those things he put me through, but assure me that at that time, his mind was a mess and he never ever meant to hurt me, also he would try his best to make up for everything in the past. I can see all his effort and how much he tried to win back my trust. There should not be any reason left I don't trust him now. But still, sometimes, I just can't stop thinking if it will happen again, especially how much I love him now, I cannot forgive or get over that easily like before This guard somehow worsen our relationship as sometimes I will mentally push him away as I am very afraid of him getting too close to me, even though I actually want him. He also once told me he felt sad that after all his effort, I still don't trust him.. but I assure him that my trust for him already increased a lot, I just need more time..( extra info: He and his ex spent almost whole relationship in long distance, they were only in same city for less than a year during high school, then they only meet once a month for two years, then once every three or four months for the remaining time. Also they are not in same countries now, so they met only during the first time he was in party, then she came over visit and the last visit when my boyfriend finally realized he did not have any feeling left seeing her.My boyfriend said I am actually the one he spent more time with, as we basically see each other every 1 or 2 days since we met, except when we went back to our home countries for holidays. He said I am the most important person to him now and I should trust the person I am with now, but not looking back in the past that he felt sorry and could not change.We have quite a open-minded (not open tho) and very fun relationship which I really enjoy. I never get jealous about him talking to other girls, we even check out girls together as we both like good booty. I'm bisexual by the way and he knows tho I love him now, part of me miss having sex with girl sometimes. I never have problem about him interested in other girls physically, as tho I am quite confident in myself, I know I am not the prettiest person in this world and it is normal for him to at least look at prettier people which I also do. But I cannot stand it when it involves feelings, like with his ex.But I do not want to be a control freak and ask him cut her off in his life. They met in high school at 16 and have a lot of mutual friends together, I guess she also means a lot of memories for him and I do not think it is possible anyway that they will never meet again. So I would rather learn how to trust him when there is high school or mutual friend party. My boyfriend said they barely talk now and he is very sure now it is over for him. But she liking everything on his facebook just started to get on my nerve (sorry, very naive of me). )Sorry for the long story and bad english. Anyway, I really do love him and do not want my insecurity to ruin this relationship.. Anyone have similar experience? how do you trust again?
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broke up, facebook, flirt, his ex, insecure, jealous, long distance, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (2 June 2013):
Time. Forcing yourself to trust him is counterintuitive because when he's earned your trust, you'll trust him.
Trying to make it happen any sooner is only fooling yourself.
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