A
female
age
41-50,
*tar_13
writes:Hello,I enjoy sex w/ my man and I like a little noise (moaning/sighing/etc.), but the last time we had sex he must have felt more free/relaxed and began grunting. I didn't know until it happened that I find this a turn-off.I looked online and I see that some other women also find this a turn off as they find it is too 'animalistic', 'caveman-like', 'gross'...as some women put it. I know that other women are turned on by it and everyone is different, but I guess I'm one of those women who finds it a turn-off. And I didn't realize it because it hadn't happened before. Usually we make some noise, but not the 'thrust-grunt' as one woman put it...a grunt w/ each thrust just sounds too....well...it's just a turnoff for me.But the problem is..how do I discuss this with my man without hurting his feelings/making him feel bad? I know he was just being open and letting out natural sound, but unfortunately for some reason it is a turn-off for me.I know that he could tell something was up, and I think he guessed that it may have been the grunting as he said he felt stupid/embarrassed. Yet I didn't say that it was due to the grunting. I don't want him to feel bad, yet I can't help that the grunting was a turn-off for me.I don't know how to explain it other than it just felt too 'caveman-like', 'animalistic'...almost scary to me in a way or too vulgar/not special. My reaction confuses me but I have searched online and found other comments by women who were turned off. One woman said her husband did it once and it was such a turn off that he never did it again.Don't get me wrong, I like some moaning/groaning/sighing, etc...it's just the grunting.But how do I express this to my man without causing a problem/hurting his feelings/making him angry?Thank you so much as I don't know where else to turn to discuss this issue. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, star_13 +, writes (4 August 2009):
star_13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to add that as I think about my reaction to the grunting...I think it is related to a sexual assault I experienced in my past.I guess the only problem is when I tried discussing this with him...he felt upset and said he wasn't trying to hurt me/he's not a rapist, etc....and I just felt bad that he got upset because I felt that he wasn't understanding me.But I know the only reason he got upset was that he felt like I was thinking bad things about him/putting what happened in the past onto him...when he's always shown me love and care...and I know he gets hurt when I have a bad flashback or something and let it get in the way of being close to him.But I guess at those times I need his extra love and compassion instead of him getting upset/defensive. But I can understand cause sometimes he lets his past get in the way and he gets jealous and thinks I like other guys(which I don't..I'm very faithful)..and then I feel defensive/upset like he is accusing me or something.So I guess it's just a natural response to feeling accused. Like if I mention that something reminds me of something bad that happened or it's almost like I'm questioning him/needing reassurance that he's not like that bad person who hurt me..he's probably feeling accused of being like the person who assaulted me. When he is nothing like that, but it's almost like it helps me to have his reassurance.I see from discussing this on here that it is a much bigger issue. Sorry to go on. I know I really need some sleep. I have a 3rd shift schedule and I should be in bed.Thanks so much for listening. I truly appreciate it.
A
female
reader, star_13 +, writes (4 August 2009):
star_13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much Advice Gem,I appreciate your advice. We have been together for awhile, but it is a little touchy because although I've had other partners in the past...I am the first person he's had sex with. I don't want to discourage him or anything....I wish I was one of those women who was turned on by grunting, but unfortunately I'm not.Our relationship has been on again- off again...but we've been back together for a year or so. But having sex again is sort of new. It's just that he never did that before, I mean he would moan/sigh..make noises and I liked that.But this last time it was different with the grunting.But that's why I feel bad because I know he even said he felt more open/was being open with me...and then here I am seeming like I'm rejecting that if I tell him I didn't like it. I think he already feels silly about it, but I think in his head he thinks I'm laughing at him for making those noises...when I don't think it is funny, I just have an aversion to it for some reason. Or it seems to primal/rough for me. Maybe because I had some bad experiences in the past with sexual assault...so it gives me a bad flash-back. Like the sound/grunting sounds harsh/rough (even though I know he's not thinking that when he's making the sounds...he's just thinking he is into it and feeling close to me)...but I associate it with something bad. Not sure how to explain it and when I feel confused enough in myself to not understand how to explain it...I don't want to try to explain it to him until I understand my reaction fully. Hope that makes sense.I just feel frustrated cause I feel disconnected when I don't talk to him, yet I don't want to cause a huge divide in the relationship by talking about it and having him get hurt/upset/mad/close down, etc. Plus we live an hour apart, so I probably won't see him til the weekend and I really don't want to talk about it over the phone. Just drives me nuts that I can't discuss it/clear the air sooner.Just not sure what to do...thanks so much for all your advice. It really helps me to talk it out here first before I talk with him.Thank you;-)
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A
female
reader, star_13 +, writes (4 August 2009):
star_13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina,Thank you very much for your response. I guess I am a bit afraid to tell him because he is pretty sensitive. I don't want him to get upset..I know he'd probably end up feeling stupid/embarrassed...or some have said he will have a hurt ego and be angry. I don't want any of those circumstances.I don't really know why I had an adverse reaction. I have been looking online and read somewhere that when a man grunts during sex it is a sign that he's turned a corner emotionally and trusts you enough to be open.I do know that he said he was opening up to me and trusting and feeling close to me. So it's like I don't want to deter him from doing that because I want him to feel close to me.I don't know how to explain my reaction except that the noise just felt too harsh/rough/animalistic...reminding me of monkeys or caveman...and then it was like I felt turned off. Just not sure of the right way to put it to him cause I know he gets pretty sensitive.Thanks so much as I don't know where else to turn to talk about this issue.
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A
female
reader, star_13 +, writes (4 August 2009):
star_13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina,Thank you very much for your response. I guess I am a bit afraid to tell him because he is pretty sensitive. I don't want him to get upset..I know he'd probably end up feeling stupid/embarrassed...or some have said he will have a hurt ego and be angry. I don't want any of those circumstances.I don't really know why I had an adverse reaction. I have been looking online and read somewhere that when a man grunts during sex it is a sign that he's turned a corner emotionally and trusts you enough to be open.I do know that he said he was opening up to me and trusting and feeling close to me. So it's like I don't want to deter him from doing that because I want him to feel close to me.I don't know how to explain my reaction except that the noise just felt too harsh/rough/animalistic...reminding me of monkeys or caveman...and then it was like I felt turned off. Just not sure of the right way to put it to him cause I know he gets pretty sensitive.Thanks so much as I don't know where else to turn to talk about this issue.
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A
female
reader, Advice Gem  +, writes (4 August 2009):
Its not the end of the world, you did not say how long you had been together.I imagine its a new relationship. Its hard to say you could be honest but I understand you dont want to hurt his feelings, just kiss him everytime he does it depending what position u are in or say sssh the neighbours might here sweetheart.Or find a film where they are doing it loudly and say in conversation that being that loud or grunting does not do it for you.Hope it helps, thats a hard situation.good luck
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