A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have no idea how to tell my friend that she can’t stay with us this spring. And this is just a tip of the iceberg.Background: We’ve known each other for about 15 years. We have common interests and I love our talks. We have fun together. Our life styles are, however, completely different. We’re nearing forty. I’m married with no kids. She’s single. She has no job and has no wish to find one; I have two and still struggle to pay the bills. She’s got no scruples about her friends paying for everything, from her drinks to plane tickets and holidays (very often what would start off as a loan, in time, turns into “a gift”). She’s used to always being in need and to somebody else solving her problems. I’m being harsh, but that’s the truth. On the other hand, I know she thinks I’m too serious and I know how boring it can be for some people. Cut long story short, I’ve learned very early on that life is hard.For years I’ve been enabling her, from little to big things (I’m dealing with my emotional dependence). I got tired of it pretty fast, but it was difficult for me to change the pattern. Things got somewhat easier when I moved out of the country. The problem is, I moved to a city she loves and where she has “a lot of friends” she likes to see. To be honest, whenever she comes she treats us as a free room and board. (I’ve already written about that problem here).She takes a key and comes and goes as she pleases. As I said, we are here to solve her problems and not to have fun with. It turns out that all those “friends” she has here, are obviously not friendly enough to let her stay with them. But they are artists, interesting individuals who live a life of ease…We moved to a one-room apartment and we cannot let our guests stay for more than a night or two, because they would have to sleep in our living-room/kitchen/entrance hall. And yes, it’s on the way to the bathroom and front door. And yes, we get up early in the morning to go to work.The problem is, she wouldn’t mind us stumbling about, making noise at 6 A.M. nor would she mind that we mind her clothes, suitcases, shoes scattered all around (we simply haven’t got anywhere to put them). When she comes, she usually wants to stay for at least a fortnight. I guess you see the potential problem. A few weeks ago, she yet again met some incredibly cool people whom she absolutely has to see again (and yes, this time too they would turn her life around)! And guess what, she’s coming this spring. For the record, I haven’t invited her, she feels entitled. She thinks that just because I love her (and I do) she can come and go as she pleases. She thinks she’s cool, interesting, fun to be with and that by being this way (and what I’m about to say is really horrible) somehow “pays” for everything.I really don’t want her to stay with us. I’d love to spend some time with her, even more than just some. But I’d like to be one of those “friends” she absolutely must see, but can’t stay with.Due to my still not resolved emotional dependence it’s really hard for me to say how I really feel and what I really think. I always start from the fact that I too am not perfect and who am I to judge? I’m ashamed since I even thought about lying to her that we have other guests, that we’re in the process of redecorating, but, as I said, she wouldn’t mind sleeping on the floor. She’s can’t take a hint if she doesn’t want to. Sometimes, for her even a straight NO is not a no. So, I have no idea what to do… I thought about not saying a word about it for now. Ignoring her whole “self-inviting” thing and see how it goes. She’s so unstable, she keeps changing her mind all the time. By spring time she may have other plans. This is not a long-term solution for our relationship, but right now I’m not comfortable with being that honest (even though I maybe should).Thanx… and sorry for venting.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 December 2014):
 I like Tisha's suggestion as well. Notice that she makes no mention of WHY 'Sadie' can't stay with you.
When you offer explanations, you invite dialogue. The more reasons you give her why she can't, the more reasons she'll counter with why she can. The longer that conversation goes on, the more time she has to wear you down.
The most you say on that, and ONLY if asked, is 'we don't have the space'. That's all you say, even if you end up sounding like a broken record. Folks get bored hearing the same thing over and over so they will eventually move on.
I'm sure you already know all this, but I want you to remember it when you're about to hit 'send' and you start having second thoughts. Resist the urge to 'soften the blow'
'Sadie' is a grown woman who has shown herself to be quite resourceful and determined to land on her feet. She'll manage.
Think 'happy steamroller'. This is the right thing to do and really there is nothing show stopping about it. People do this all the time. You'll be just fine.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 December 2014):
True, a well said piece of advice right there. Change begins with "you". You can't expect someone else to change if you don't try as well.
I hope it all works out either way, let us know how she reacts :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx!
I'll copy what you wrote Trish and keep it.
If she really sticks to the plan, I'll send her a version of it.
It'll be uncomfortable for me, but I have to do it.
Enough is enough.
I'd liek to think that we all can change for the better, including myself ;)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2014):
 Exactly what Tisha said, simple and to the point, you won't HAVE to explain WHY she can't stay with you, just that she CAN'T.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2014):
 You take her part and I'll take yours. Let's practice.
Hi, Sadie, happy to hear that you've made new friends again. It'll be great to see you when you come visit our city. Alas, it won't be possible for you to stay with us. I know you have many friends here and will have no problem finding another place. It'll be fun to catch up and hear about your adventures. Let's make plans when you know your timing.
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