A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcat
writes:My bf split up with me a few days ago following me being irrationally jealous about someone.I find I get jealous feelings and while I know he wouldn't cheat on me, I always worried that he preferred other girls to me.Whenever we had a disagreement he'd say he wanted to be single and had only not split up with me because the relationship meant so much to me (great!). So this made me feel like I was the only one enjoying the time we spent and worrying that he preferred other girls to me be it looks, personality etc. I know he will find other girls attractive, and enjoy conversations with other girls and that's fine. But I always worry that he'll want to be with her more, following a time away when he really liked someone else and completely neglected me to chase after her. He lied about liking her when I asked him outright, which I guess he would in a way, but later admitted it, but now I find it hard to trust him - not that he will cheat physically but that he will wish he was with someone else.How do I not only stop doing silly things/going quiet when I feel this way, but stop feeling them in the first point.And I really want to get back with him and have apologised and said I'm trying to work on this and will he give me another try. He said he needs time to think about it, but going from what he's said I know he doesn't want to be with me and he's also v busy and gets stressed out a lot. I often feel I'm not important to him and that everything else comes first and I understand work etc is important but there are times I know if he wanted to he could spare an hour to see me. He says he feels he can't relax with me when we're out because he feels he can't talk to other girls and actively moderates his behaviour from how he normally is so I won't get upset - obviously I don't want to be changing him in a way he doesn't want. He also says he can't relax with me even when it's just us as he feels I'm always trying to figure out what he's thinking - which has been true, wondering how much he likes me, if he fancies other girls (which he doesn't think a big deal and says wouldn't mind if i did for guys, but the thought really upsets me..), even who he thinks about when by himself... I never used to think this and thought he really liked me and then it changed somewhere along the line..I can see that this is not who you'd want to be with. And if he would give me a chance I'm worried I'd be thinking 'oh he doesn't really want to be with me, and prefers such and such girl who's prettier and more fun than me' and start being the same again.The most important thing I'm asking is how to get rid of jealousy? I know I need to react to it better - telling myself it's stupid, not questioning my bf's motives e.g. you fancy her don't you, or whatever, and overcoming the niggly feeling to be able to chat to the girl I feel jealous of rather than just staying quiet and so seeming like the boring/jealous gf.The other thing (most important to me but I know the former is most important for it to work if this happened) is how to 'get him back' - I want to change, and I want to have the chance to show I have.Sorry it's long but any advice please? Especially on how to stop the jealous or insecure feelings, given the situation (i.e. if we were still together but me knowing he wasn't really that into me).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Whenever we had a disagreement he'd say he wanted to be single and had only not split up with me because the relationship meant so much to me (great!). So this made me feel like I was the only one enjoying the time we spent and worrying that he preferred other girls to me be it looks, personality etc.
I know he will find other girls attractive, and enjoy conversations with other girls and that's fine. But I always worry that he'll want to be with her more, following a time away when he really liked someone else and completely neglected me to chase after her. He lied about liking her when I asked him outright, which I guess he would in a way, but later admitted it, but now I find it hard to trust him - not that he will cheat physically but that he will wish he was with someone else.
Your boyfriend broke up with you.....he has been telling you all along that he wants to be single when you have a disagreement, and he neglected you to chase another girl.
As much as it hurts, he did you a favor by breaking up with you. I think you need to find a guy who is really into you as you are a great girl and great girlfriend, you don't deserve a guy who is luke warm, on the fence, is looking for someone better or just someone else, and he doesn't want to stay in the relationship as your boyfriend unless it is on his terms (the disagreememts means you are not playing to his tune)....
You have devoted what a year to this and the relationship is not progressing, in fact he is back peddling. The only way you will know for sure how he feels about you is to call him on his behavior, your jealousy is founded in reality, your gut knows this guy doesn't really love you or isn't showing you respect the way you deserve.
Leave him, stay out and start dating other men....if he contacts you again, set the terms of the realtionship, set your boundaries as to what you expect and will not tolerate. It is not OK for him to neglect you and to chase other girls, it is not OK for him to disrespect your feelings about him chatting up other girls, he isn't telling you how wonderful you are, and he is not focusing his loving attention on you....he is behaving like a single man....so you be single, too, darling,
A
female
reader, pinkcat +, writes (3 May 2008):
pinkcat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo askoldersister, thanks for your answer.
I have a lot of other interests in my life, like presenting radio shows and reporting on news shows, running, volunteering, my good friends!, but I know what you're saying. All the things I've listed I really enjoy and, if you like, give me a sense of self-worth. But even tho I'm busy seeing him is still important and while I won't cancel any of the above for him i will go out of my way to fit seeing him in around them. He doesn't seem too fussed on seeing me, and things like this do impact on me a lot - you're right about that. Often him not having any time for me one week will mean that that week is spent feeling pretty bleh for quite a lot of it-which is a waste!
But back to the bigger q, if I go on doing the things I enjoy, which i have been, if he were to get back with me i would try now to not make him the focus of my week as such.
And i have promised to not react to jealousy i feel, be it with him or anyone in the future.
But is there any way to stop these feelings altogether almost - has anyone done it?
And is there a way of making my ex see me in the light he did when he first liked me? I never got why his feelings faded, almost as if when i took our rel. more seriously after 6 months, he pulled away, and over a year on we have had some lovely times but also some bad times - due to things on both our parts really, but i know i need to deal with how i react to things.
Thanks to everyone for their answers and any other insights would be great! :)
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A
female
reader, primrose +, writes (3 May 2008):
dont let him make you feel that its you with problems, he's got them too. you both have things to work on, if you want to be together.if he's chasing other girls i would'nt bother with him as he's not respecting you. you should try to move on, let him see that your dating other people.i know its hard, but give yourself time to decide what you want.try to not see him for a week and see how you feel.you cant help how you feel,if you cant trust him maybe he's not worth it.
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A
female
reader, rachhbabes +, writes (3 May 2008):
i think, you should talk to him. apologize for being jealous and tell him you do trust him. ask him if he understands why you felt this way though. then tell him that if he feels the same way you could maybe make a go of it again. if you get back together, even though it'll be hard, loosen up when you and him are around other girls, and tell yourself its all in your head, but if he starts to really start eyeing up other girls and stuff maybe you should just leave it there.hope this helped :)x
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